Jack and the Beanstalk

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello In Jack and the beanstalk.

Come in.

O it's you! I'm sorry Arthur I thought it was the babysitter.

- Just what do you have against babysitters? - Why nothing.

Nothing?

It is just a psychological stumbling block.

The juvenile mind will resist the restraint of adult authority.

You ever had the feeling that you're too old for your age?

Physically I'm only eight.

Mentally, the doctors refused to believe it.

Why do you bring my sister flowers?

Because you want to marry her?

It's all part of the racket. Where is Eloise?

Putting on her lipstick so you can kiss it off.

Come on young feller, I'll put you to bed.

Or your sister and I will be late for dress rehearsal

Why do I have to go to bed? Only children go to bed this early.

Arthur, I didn't hear you come in. You should have.

I made quite an entrance, thanks to junior.

Donald didn't you promised mother and dad you'd be a good boy?

I am being good. It just happens that their standards are much higher than mine.

-Where's his babysitter? -His sitter?

Erm... Donald go brush your teeth and go to bed.

And don't wake your baby sister.

-What's the matter? -No babysitter.

There are dozens of babysitters in the neighbourhood

Well, not for my dear brother. He's been declared out of bounds.

Have you tried the employment agencies?

They don't have babysitters.

Well, it looks like my understudy will have to go on tonight

Start calling every agency until you find one that is open

Get somebody.. Anybody

It sound like a bad idea, but I'll do it.

And I'll handle my pal Donald.

Pretty reckless driving! I'll say this, you oughta watch where you're going big boy

What are you trying to do, get away?

Get out of my way.. Out of my way shorty!

I oughta run you in for this.

You're big enough to carry me in.

Officer, we are terribly sorry.

Well alright, but don't let this happen again.

And get off of my car!

What are you going to do with that?

Well, keep it there!

Yes... aha... I'd better hang up we've been talking for 10 minutes.

Here come my heavy date for the night... Bye!

-Who are you calling a heavy date? -You.

Can you wait outside for 5 minutes. Or will you get a ticket?

Well if I do, I can get it fixed. I have influence.

Don't do that!

Why don't you look where you're going! See you outside baby.

- What do you see in that tall dark handsome feller? - Plenty.

- Girls never say that to me. - What do they say?

shh.. not in mixed company.

Cosman, employment agency.

Yes, I have been on the phone for quite a while.

- I'm sorry, but we don't list babysitters - Just a minute lady..

You're looking, you're looking at the world's greatest babysitter.

That's right miss... sure

He is the best.

- Where do you fit into this? - Well I'm his agent.

Yes... He let's me have 10% from everything I earn.

I'm sorry I took so long.

But fortunately a professional babysitter just came in.

May I have your address please?

Thank you, he'll be right out. Goodbye.

O thank you miss. Gee, you're wonderful.

I like girls like you. Eyes of Blue, and five feet two.

Timber ...

- Sorry to be late. - It's okay.

-Shall we go? -You mean you and I are going out together?

You see? I have a way with girls. Please...

- Now listen! - Yes, daddy.

- He's so big? - Come on we got a babysit. Get with it!

-Why are you so clumsy! -I'm excited.

- Why? - This is my first job.

Gee, I hope he's a sweet child. I love children.

Come on.

It's about time they got here.

- Are you... - The babysitter? He sure is.

- You're kind of big for a baby! - You're not for me.

O, rejected again. I guess it isn't my night

- Won't you come in? - Sure.. sure.

Well, who wouldn't be plenty comfortable here.

Well it's to late to get anyone else

Have you had much experience with babies?

- Well yes sir, I have been a baby all my life. - Don't you worry about Jack.

Kids just love him He makes them feel so superior.

- And which they are. - Sure.

Well they're both sound asleep and I'm sure you won't hear a sound out of them all night.

- but if you need anything... - O no madam, I don't need a thing.

I'm prepared for everything!

- No one is prepared for Donald! - Well good-luck, we'll be home after eleven.

O, you're going out right now? O, costumes!

- Going to a masquerade ball? - No I'm playing.

A Play, kids are gonna play May I see you out the door?

O miss, in case I'm watching the children, just where are they?

- O they are in the bedroom down the hall. - Thank you.

High class huh?

Music to my ears.

My first victim! Duty calls. See you Mr. Dinkel.

This calls for action.

Shh... Quiet.

Wanna wake up your sweet little brother?

What seems to be the trouble?

This is my real business. I know kids. Good night.

Get me a glass of milk.

- What did you say? - I said get me a glass of milk.

This is unbelievable

This kid talks better than me.

You're not very bright!

I'm sorry kid. What school did you go to?

The baby isn't talking, I am.

I know you're talking, but .. who?

I'm talking over here.

This kid ain't even moving her lips. This is a baby ventriloquist

I'm talking over here.

I know it's you.. I mean I ... you're ...

You!!

- What's your name? - Donald.

- Are you a good boy? - No, it's not my nature.

I'm a problem child!

Get a load of the kid, he's problem child.. He is like me I think.

Would you like to have me read you a story before you fall asleep?

That's been tried too.

Aw, this kid been tried too.

I oughta ... I oughta ... I oughta ...

"Jack and the Beanstalk"

that's my favorite novel!

Donald, can I read this to you?

Well, I wanna keep you happy. Let's see how it goes.

Thank you, Donald.

Once upon a time ...

That's pretty exciting isn't it?

Once upon a time, a whole village was turhuu ...

- A whole village was turruu ... - Terrorized.

A whole village was terrorized by ferrorre....

- A ferroreerr ... - Ferocious.

Donald do me a favor, this is a very exciting book about the giants and everything..

Will you read it to me, please? I can't get over the big words.

Only because I'm fascinated by you. Here hold my club.

Yes... Fascinated...

Once upon a time, a whole village ...

was terrorized by a ferocious giant.

- Yeah.. - Who lived in a castle in the sky.

In this village lived a simple peasant boy named Jack and his widowed mother.

They had come upon hard times because of the giant.

One day, Jack was told to bring their only cow to the market.

And sell him for food.

Jack being a very stupid boy sold the cow for five small beans...

Princess Eloise!

- Your Highness! - I wonder if I could get a glass of water?

Yes, your Highness.

Hey Billie, can you imagine me getting water for the princess.

Uh-oh...

You seen anything Billie?

O Princess, I would have brung you the water.

I'm a little tired of people waiting on me.

It must be wonderful to be allowed to do everything you want to...

Whenever you want to...

Oh, you don't get around much do you?

- What do you mean? - You mean you haven't heard?

There's no food in the village. The Giant he's taking everything.

He's even taken your father's crown jewels, didn't he?

That's why I have to marry Prince Arthur.

- Well isn't it a love match? - I've never even seen him.

But his people have money...

Did you ever have to marry a man you've never seen?

They... they tell me I'm a boy.

So you are, and a very nice boy.

Thank you your Highness.

- Why don't you run away? - Princesses can't do that

Oh, but maybe he'll be young and handsome and ... you fall madly in love with him.

That only happens in fairy tales, but thank you for the water.

Thank you your Highness.

And Princess, remember ...

Have courage. Fear nothing when you're in the right.

That's my motto.

- Jack! - Yes, mother?

Jack, you must stop talking to yourself.

I wasn't talking to myself, mother

I was talking with the princess Eloise.

Princesses don't talk to peasant boys.

O Jack, when are you going to grow up and get some sense?

Does one go with the other?

Jack, I have come to a very important decision.

- You're not gonna give me away? - No...

If we're not to starve, I'll have to sell our last valuable possession.

No ... you're not gonna sell the cow?

She has to go...

You can't sell Henry!

Jack, how many times have I told you Henry isn't a proper name for a cow.

Alright, from now on I call her Albert...

But you still can't sell Henry.

- Take her to the market this morning but be sure to get a good price.

Yes, mother. You can depend on me.

Whatever they bid, I bid higher.

Jack, you'll be selling, not buying.

There's a difference?

Fetch me a pail of water and then be on your way.