Undateable

Oh, I love your hair today.

Thanks, man.

- I was talking to Candace. - Oh, I know.

I do this thing where I just assume

every compliment is about me.

It's a huge time-saver.

Oh, that's a nice blouse. Oh, no...

Thanks, but I'm a guy, so it's called a shirt.

Hey, so, what's the deal with, uh, Leslie?

No news yet.

Danny set Leslie up on a blind date,

and I'm not supposed to tell you guys

because he doesn't want to make this about

what a great brother he is.

Is that how you wanted me to say it?

Oh, look at you, Danny, thinking about other people.

That's not like you.

Cold, selfish, cynical.

See, that was Danny before Justin.

Or as I like to call him, Danny B.J.

Are you offering?

Yeah? I don't...

No!

Well, I love blind dates.

It's like being a judge on "The Voice."

You say yes to a girl without seeing her,

and then you spin around and see what you got.

Damn.

Cave monster.

Oh, hey, Leslie. How was the date?

Aah!

God, you're sexy when you're pissed.

Ooh.

Thanks, Bursk, but now's not the time.

- Tonight's episode features explosions. - Justin: No, it doesn't.

Oh, really? Then what's this?

Ka-ploosssssh!

Now, I'm gonna ask you the same thing

my mom asks every time I call.

What did Danny do this time?

Danny set me up with the worst guy on earth.

Your friend Neil picked me up an hour late

and then he made me breathe in a tube to start his car.

Neil sounds like a big ol' mess.

He is. It's so hot.

And why am I so attracted to train wrecks?

Girl, I get it.

Whenever there's a boy band, I'm always attracted

to the one with the sleepy eyes and the soul patch.

I was just really hoping that Neil was gonna be a decent guy.

You know, I'm getting that award tomorrow night

for my "Destination Detroit" marketing campaign,

and I didn't want to go to the party alone.

I thought you were a wine rep.

Really, Danny?

She's had this new job for like two months.

Because of her, tourism is up 10%.

If you can find a way to get people to visit Detroit,

someone should give you an award.

They are!

Thanks a lot, Danny.

I'm so glad I shaved my legs all the way up for this.

And also spent $200 on this hair.

Danny, Danny, Danny.

You're better than this.

What is it you say to me every morning

when you see one of my outfits?

Change.

Exactly.

You don't look out for your sister.

See, you need to take your own advice

and change the outfit...

In your heart.

Don't tell my heart what to wear.

I can't believe I don't have a date for my party.

I mean, it's not like I expect a guy to have a PhD.

In this bar, you're lucky to find a guy

who can afford a PBR.

I said I'd bring the money tomorrow.

I'm just trying to raise my standards when it comes to men.

With me, it's only one rule when it comes to men.

Who am I kidding? I'll take anything.

Well, for me to be involved with a woman,

she's got to love babies,

both human and Muppet.

You know what my new thing's gonna be?

A guy has to dress well.

It means he's an adult and has a job.

So from now on,

I am only dating a guy if he owns his own suit.

Hmm?

You guys hear that?

Leslie wants to go out with me.

Why? Just because you have a suit?

I don't own a suit.

But I will by tomorrow night,

and then she will let me take her to that dance.

Now, does anyone know where I can get

a nice, classy suit for $35?

Actually, I do take care of a guy to a retirement home

that used to be a tailor.

And he does owe me one.

I give him extra nap time when he knows his ass

is supposed to be in the activities room.

But to be fair,

he gives me extra nap time

when he knows I'm supposed to be working.

Sorry I tried to set you up with Neil.

I thought to make it up to you,

I could take you to your party.

Oh, well, that's sweet, but somebody already asked me.

- Who? - Actually, you know what?

I think he's working right under here.

One second. Hi. I'm Justin.

When it comes to platonic dates, I'm your man.

And you're proud of that?

Oh, you know it.

I invented the friend zone.

I guarantee if you come with me tonight,

then you're not gonna want it to end.

He said to his sister.

Oh, this just got very "Game of Thrones."

Shing! Woosh!

Okay, Danny. How would our night go?

I would start things out with a deep-tissue massage,

and once I'm totally relaxed, I come pick you up.

We get some drinks, and I know that there is somebody

that you hate at work for no reason,

because that's always how you are,

so we could just throw them catty looks all night.

Barb, that bitch.

And you know she's totally

having an affair with Dave in accounting.

Yes!

That's what I've been telling Mark.

Mark, that two-faced phoney.

- No, we like mark. - Love mark. Love mark.

See? See how this works? We're having fun.

And then I'll tell the deejay to play

"I've had the time of my life,"

and then we'll both nail the lift move

that we practiced as kids

because nobody puts baby in the corner.

Candace: Wait, um...

Who is putting a baby in a corner?

It's from "Dirty Dancing."

No, I don't care how they got pregnant.

I just...

- Uh, can you beat that? - Justin: Hell yeah.

You see, I'll just pull out the ol' playbook from prom.

Pick you up at 4:30,

that way it's golden hour for photos...

You know, a couple serious ones for mom and dad

and then a couple fun ones for us,

maybe even a jumper.

Then after we eat... Oh, my God, I'm full...

We'll go dance all night.

And then, bing, guess what... It's midnight. We're pumpkins.

My prom playbook was simple...

Tried to have sex...

And I did.

Your night sounds just horrible.

Um, but I'm gonna choose...

- Justin. - Wha... - What?!

- Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.

I mean, I never won anything. I mean, this is...

You know what? I'm gonna... I got to Kanye this for you.

You know what?

I'm really happy for you, and I'mma let you finish, but I just got to say,

uh, Danny Burton is the best brother of all time.

Seriously? You set me up with Neil.

When's the last time you took me out to dinner

or called me up on the phone just to talk?

Seven?

I don't know, Les.

Come on. I'm your brother.

Yeah, but lately...

Justin's been more of a brother than you've ever been.

Whatever.

Maybe I'm on Barb's side now.

I'm gonna make you a really sharp suit, young man.

Shelly, you remember our deal?

Shelly: Of course.

Payment is $35 and two extra puddings a day.

Yes.

Pudding in a retirement home are like cigarettes in jail.

I know Leslie thinks she's going to that party with Justin,

but once she sees me in my new suit,

game over.

Drop your pants, Romeo.

Burski, I never thought I'd have to ask you this again,

but could you not have that old man

measure your penis in front of me?

Guys, I'm kind of worried about Bursk.

Do you really think Leslie will go with him?

Leslie's like me.

We're both suckers for romantic gestures.

A few weeks ago, I walked into a restaurant,

and a cute guy held the door open for me

and I was immediately smitten.