Nothing Like a Dame

Hello, Joan. Hello, darling.

Do you want me to sit here? Yes, please.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

God almighty, leave me alone!

Would you mind taking a little step to your left...?

To my left? - To you left.

I'm Mark, pleased to meet you - Hello.

I think we'd better do it because we're taking root.

And then we're gonna do some where you're sort of...

Yes, we look awfully hot.

Oh that's an awful angle, Mark.

It really is.

It's not fair to old ladies - THEY LAUGH

You look wonderful. No, why are you doing this?

Why are you doing that?

You've got to start somewhere.

Is it your first day?

You've never done it before?

I don't think so, so give him a break.

Look, see how Jude does it?

Mum?

So beautifully I do that or that.

You're not my friend, Mark.

I'm never going to a speak to you again

I never want to see you again.

Oh no don't be grumpy

THEY LAUGH

She's not being grumpy, she's being starry.

Are we ready to go?

I think we've been - We've been.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Scene, mark.

Now, if anybody wants to lie down, ladies.

I'm here, darling

How far away?

Not far away

Round the corner? - Just round the corner.

Alright

I want to start with when you first set eyes upon each other.

Judi, can we start with you? - Oh, God.

Yes but... has anyone got a memory?

Let alone... oh, God.

Well, I think I met you, Mags in about 1958.

I think so.

And we did The Double-Dealer and we went to the Edinburgh to the festival

and got pursued by Miles Malleson.

Did we do that in Edinburgh?

Yeah, we did it at the festival don't you remember?

No.

Yes, you and I had to hide.

It's gone, it's gone.

We had to hide between the two shows because of Miles Malleson.

I didn't know we were in Edinburgh.

Were we good?

No, I don't think we were.

Too long ago

I remember you saying, Mags, that you'd been discovered and rediscovered.

Yeah, I'm still hanging in for that - THEY LAUGH

Who saw Share My Lasses Joan did you see Share My Lasses?

Well yes, you weren't listening and I've just told you.

THEY LAUGH

I was feeling depressed at the time and friends said

'Oh we'll take you out to somewhere that'll cheer you up madly.

It's Kenneth Williams, he's very funny as you know, and there's this new girl

Don't. - And that was the new girl.

Would you say Kenneth had been quite a big influence on you?

An enormous influence.

I mean, I pinch from him all the time.

Can you give us some examples?

Well, in Black Comedy, I'm doing a complete Kenneth, I mean it's outrageous.

He hasn't seen it, he'd be livid.

You know, that awful Mrs Punnett who keeps whistling like that, you know, it's pure Ken.

Settle down.

Eileen, tell us a bit about Baby Eileen?

A gypsy told my mother I was going to be a dancer

and she kept sending me to dancing lessons

and I kept screaming and wanting to come home again from the age of three.

And finally at five, I seemed stuck there.

And that particular dancing school was called The KY School

and we had it on all our clothes... KY Gracious.

My brother played the drums there and his drums had KY on it.

We never knew why people laughed slightly or looked the other way.

That's sad.

And I danced in working men's clubs I mean, two or three times a week

until my grammar school said She falls asleep in school all the tlme '

Cause you were up all night doing these things?

Yes,yes

Well, it was paedophilia land really.

We were little girls up there.

Then what, did you decide just that you didn't want to do it anymore?

I did my first play when I was ten and kept telling my mum

from then on, that I didn't want to dance I was going to do this other thing.

We all just thought we were going to be stage actresses.

Yes. Yeah.

Did you start off with light and make-up?

MAGGIE AND JUDI Yes, five and nine.

Five and nine was the men's make up.

No, I wore Dark Egyptian in one thing.

Peter Pan

Five and nine was really the men's make-up, wasn't it?

But you added a bit of three or two and a half to it if you're a girl.

And a big red spot in the corner of your eyes.

Absolutely

Oh, yes, red spots in the eye - Big red spot.

Crimson Lake if you were being aged.

Yes, lines of Crimson Lake.

People coming out of drama schools years ago

wanted to go to Bristol Old Vic

or Oxford or somewhere there's a really good rep.

There was a thing wasn't there where you went to reps

and you stayed in digs and things

that if the landlady wasn't very nice or didn't do something

you used to nail a Kipper under the table before you left.

That's true

Tim West went home one night to a darkened house

letting himself in the back into the kitchen

and the landlady

was having sex with a man on the table.

And she was right out lying and as he opened the door, she saw him

and she said 'Oh, Mr West, you must think I'm such a flirt

On the table? - On the table.

Unaware there was a Kipper attached to it.

The Kipper!

How ghastly

Let's go through here!

I went straight from the Vic

to do The Cherry Orchard

which was with...

Oh, that was an amazing cast ...Michel Saint-Denis and Peggy.

And Sir John.

Who was the director? Michel Saint-Denis was it?

And he was really, really unkind.

He used to come to the end of Act One and then he'd give notes

and he'd give a note here and he'd give a note there and he'd give a note there.

And he'd get to me, he'd go

Oh, horrible.

And Peggy, I remember, said to me To think I nearly married that man' she said.

And then she said, Never ever let him see you cry.

Never let him see you cry

And then one day we got to the end of Act One

and he used to give the notes then

and Sir John said 'Well if you'd been doing that for me, I'd be delighted,' he said.

And it changed absolutely everything for me.

It just... entirely changed my life really as far as, you know

the fear of directors, because the more you get frightened

you know, and somebody goes like that the less you can do.

You can't mend it.

Goodnight, Uncle.

God bless you, little Anya Mmm.

I was at the Old Vic theatre school, run by Judi's friend Michel Saint-Denis.

pa.

And George Devine

And it was George who asked me to join the company for...

well, it was called the English Stage Company

but it just became known as the Royal Court.

Michel Saint-Denis had been told

that they were asking me to join the company

and Michel had said...

'She can't play queens, you know '

And George had said

'I should think the last thing we want in a theatre for contemporary writers

is girls born to play queens

THEY LAUGH

THUNDER CLAPS

Stop there.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

I thought we were going to sing.

It's very wet. - Oh, well. Yes.

THUNDER RUMBLES

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Shall we sit under the table?

# Timothy's under the table

# Be careful what you say

# Timothy's under the table so look the other way

# You can tickle and squeeze as much as you please

# But don't you go too far

# Because Timothy's under the table

# And he's bound to tell his ma #

Why eke II remember mew

What is that?

It's the musical we were in Hark Hark the Fart.

Listen to the W/no'... it's called Listen to the Wind.

It's a terrible title. - It is a terrible title.

That's what Ronnie called it is Hark Hark the Fart.

Timothy's Under The Table

I forget. Why did we start on that?

INTERVIEWER Cleopatra...

Maggie, talk to us a bit about...

I'm not going to talk about Cleopatra.

JOAN Right.

INTERVIEWER Judi, you start.

You

Uh-uh. - Why?

Nobody... SHE LAUGHS

I'm in the clear with this one.

SHE GASPS

You bang on.

What do you mean, you're in the clear? - You talk about Cleopatra?

I've turned it down four times because I thought I wasn't good looking enough.

That's the end of my story of Cleopatra