Cats & Dogs 3: Paws Unite

And so it began.

Thirty thousand years ago,

man discovered his best friend.

Ooh!

Dogs were man's best friend

and only animal companion for the next 15,000 years.

And then...

Cats are in the house, y'alll Whoop, whoop!

The next 15,000 years, cats and dogs fought each other.

Hissing and barking and breaking things along the way.

With the emergence of technology, harmless skirmishes grew into diabolical plots

as cats and dogs tried to eliminate each other as human companions.

Eventually, humans grew tired.

So dogs and cats had to do something

if they wanted to stay the number one and number two animals in the human household.

Actually, fish are number one.

Fish don't count.

Anyway, cat and dog leaders worked together to stop these plots

and formed an organization called the Furry Animals Rivalry Termination.

Or FART!

- Ah, it's not really a thing. - It's totally a thing!

The purpose of the Furry Animals Rivalry...

Ahem. FART.

...was to monitor potential plots, feline or canine,

and stop them before they interfered with the human world.

The good news is when we opened up wide and let loose FART,

the most silent and deadly organization of all time,

we were able to stop those plots and many others.

The last decade has been the most peaceful one between the two species in centuries.

Ha, I wouldn't say centuries.

Well, you would be wrong.

Ah...

Home sweet home.

That's me, Roger. As in Roger Federer,

the best tennis player of all time.

That's Max. My human. He used to practice outdoors, on the court.

I would fetch tennis balls for him, but now, well...

He does... that.

Hey! That's me, Gwen. You know, as in Stefani.

And let me introduce you to my fabulous person, the one, the only Zoe!

Mm, she's under there somewhere.

Driving me crazy!

Yeah, she's not really a morning person.

- Morning, honey. - Morning, Mom.

- Did you sleep well? - Yeah, I guess.

- This will put some pep in your step. - Hmm.

- Kale juice, spinach juice, celery juice. - Yeah.

Good?

- Mm-hm. - Drink up.

So close, honey.

State championships are just around the corner,

I think we can win it all this year.

Mm, mm.

Yeah, for sure.

Mm-hm.

And they think drinking out of a toilet is gross.

Listen, I got an alert this morning about your workout.

I noticed your foot work was a little slow today.

- I get alerts when you miss your target numbers. - What else do you get updates on?

Your heart rate. How much time you spend in the bathroom.

- Your heart rate when you're in the bathroom. - Boundaries, Mom!

Just saying. So you want some more?

- I know you like it. - Hmm.

- Morning, Zoe-Zoe. - Good morning.

- Um, let me make you breakfast. - It's okay. I got it.

I'll heat up burritos.

You're probably thinking, "Gwen, you're nothing but a pampered, sheltered house cat."

And you'd be right.

No way. You can heat those up?

No wonder mine are always so crunchy.

But one day, we're gonna go outside and have great adventures together.

Don't worry. I'll protect her.

I'm like a ninja.

I'm okay!

- How was the gig last night? - Uh...

It fell through.

But I stayed in the coffee shop and a new song came to me.

Like a gift from above.

- That's great, Dad. Let's hear it. - Yeah. Yeah. It's like, uh...

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

See, the thing is, I wrote the lyrics out on a napkin and then I forgot,

and then I blew my nose and then I put in my pocket.

And then it was just a mushy, snotty, gooey nothing.

- Okay. It will come back to you. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't forget, Dad, a million people bought your first album.

Twenty years ago.

Eddie Vedder says you're the grungiest guy in grunge.

Eddie Vedder.

Ah! Hot! You got asbestos fingers?

Hot. Hot. Hot. How do you do that?

Mm. That tastes so much better!

Dad, don't give up, promise?

I promise.

Bye, Gwen. Have a good day.

- Bye. Love you. - Bye. Love you.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. Did you say something?

Whatever, dude. You do you.

As you may have guessed, we are not your average pets.

We're two of the baddest, most kick-butt FART agents you've ever seen.

Actually, we're just risk assessment analysts.

- Please say the password. - Beethoven.

Incorrect.

- Uh, Rin Tin Tin. - Wrong.

- Air Bud. - Not even close.

- Snoopy? - Negative.

- Old Yeller? - Incorrect.

- Scooby-Doo? - Uh, Garfield.

- You got it, sister. - Seriously?

I put in a request.

How was the night shift, Old Ed?

Well, back's a little stiff. I've been meaning to order one of those standing desks.

I meant with the monitoring.

Well, mostly I've been just watching these bubbles float across the screen.

Hey, Ed, that's a screen saver.

Oh, you and your fancy high-tech gadgets.

In my day, we had to trust our instincts and communicate.

And we were out there on the streets.

Oh, I wish they'd send us out in the field. I'm dying to see some action.

- We're just monitors. - Pfft.

Yeah. And how boring is that?

It's like I always say, "Boring is good."

Not.

Ah, roast beef.

I'm not gonna even ask.

- Catch you kids on the flippity-flop. - Stellar effort, Ed.

Monitors 44871 and 44872, logging in for Zone 867.

The FART system is functioning flawlessly. And the worldwide threat level remains at low.

Copy that, chief. Great news.

Yeah. If you like rotting away at a desk.

Uploading your links now. Carry on, monitors. HQ out.

Really? What is it with dogs and trees?

Very complex. Your kind would never grasp it.

Ah. Yes. Yes, you're absolutely right.

How could we possibly understand such a sophisticated ritual?

Hold the phone.

I got a canine near the animal hospital.

Oh, I bet he's planning something.

- Just a stray. - Looks suspicious to me.

Could be a serious plot against feline patients.

Not the diaper. Not the diaper!

And... the diaper.

Oh, I'm gonna be sick.

Let me guess, too complex for my kind to grasp?

Nope. That's just disgusting.

Nothing exciting ever happens anymore. You guys had all the fun.

Take it from someone who knows,

there was nothing fun about those major plots back in the day.

A lot of good agents, both dog and cat, got injured or worse.

- Wait, you saw some action? - Enough to know it wasn't for me.

At least you were out there. Hey, you ever give anyone the old...?

What the feline is that?

Initiate reboot protocol.

Initiating.

Probably a power failure.

In case you're wondering, this is not a power failure.

But "failure" is the perfect word to describe

what's just happened to your elaborate monitoring system.

I shut down all communications from your headquarters

to every other station in your network.

Just try and control your FART now!

Told you that was a thing.

What's going on? Who's doing this?

I am the most nefarious villain the world has ever seen!

- Is that it? Is he done? - This is not good.

Honestly, I thought the laugh was kind of weak. I'm thinking needy with self-esteem issues.

Probably a chihuahua or smaller.

I'm still here.

I accidentally hit the mute button.

Just know that as you sit there helplessly in your secret bunkers all over the planet,

my brilliant plan is already sending the world of dogs and cats into chaos.

Chaos? What kind of chaos?

- This is madness. You won't get away with it. - I already have.

We've gotta do something. You canines designed this system.

Tell me you butt-sniffers have a backup plan.

Uh...

Oh, dear God. We're doomed.

- That's it, honey! - Let's go, Max.

That's it, kiddo. Follow through.

Force him to use your backhand.

Forehand, Max. Forehand.

Nice swing.

Good.

Power shot. Power shot.

All eyes will be on the state tennis tournament next week,

as the boys gun for the championship.

Led by local phenom, Max Harper.

Max will try to complete an undefeated regular season

against Central High tomorrow,

as a tune-up before the state championship.

Follow through. Pull over your shoulder.

Susan. You know how I feel about you coaching during practice. I'm the coach.

I've got the hat.

You ordered that hat off the Internet.

I'm gonna have to ask for the whistle too.

I'm keeping the hat.

Hey, honey.

The biggest problem with FART, besides the obvious,

is that it was designed by dogs.