The Barbarian and the Troll

Hey, how much farther is it

- to the castle of Horus Scrum? - Not far.

Yeah, you're probably wondering how I keep up.

- Nope. - See, I just focus on my thigh muscles

for an extra burst of speed.

- Look, bud. I'm used to working alone... - Taking breaks?

You know I'd keep going,

- but you're the boss, so... - Evan, I warned you.

Questing is not easy. It's serious business.

I'm worried you can't take care of yourself.

Oh, me? Puh-lease.

I'm fine. I'm gonna be a big help to you.

- Really? Okay, well, then carry my sword. - Mhm.

I'm... do what now? Whoa!

Whoa! I gotta put a new grip on it.

Hold on. Whoa.

My barbarian gut instinct is telling me

that you're gonna be a pain in my barbarian butt.

Okay. Fine.

Physical strength is not my thing.

But you don't have to worry about me.

Trolls have amazing survival instincts.

I can smell danger a mile away.

- So much for smelling danger. - Oh, come on, lady.

Don't take my snack. I'm hangry.

Ah, please don't let me become a snack.

Do you promise to pay attention

and take care of yourself?

Yeah, I promise. One more chance.

Sorry, bat. Not your day.

So dramatic. All you had to do was ask.

Ah, thanks.

When we get to the wizard's castle,

- maybe you should stay outside. - No, no, no, no.

I gotta make him see what he did.

Because of him, my lute got destroyed.

Look at this. Wait, wait, wait.

Look. That is aggravated lute-icide.

- Oh. - Okay. I know we just met, like,

yesterday at a tavern, but you gotta pick up the pace.

- Ditch the troll! - What? Rude.

I can't. I said he could come.

Said he could come?

Oh, what? Barbarians have some sort of moral code?

They can't ever go back on their word?

That's right. It's a barbarian creed.

I'm just saying. Less creed, more speed.

Oh! This is futile.

If I'm ever going to get my revenge

on that barbarian, I'm going to need help.

Can anyone lend me a hand,

a leg, anything?

Oh.

Oh, hello, little girl walking all alone on the path with a goat.

Any chance of giving an old skeleton a lift?

My mom always taught me

never to talk to disembodied heads on the side of the road.

- That's oddly specific. - Yet here we are.

Silence! I demand you transport me.

You know what to do, Helen.

No. No, no, no, no.

No, no!

You'll regret this.

Behold!

The greatest wizard in all

of the local tri-village area, Horus Scrum.

- Stay behind me. - You don't have to tell me twice.

I speak to you and only you, great wizard.

Ready yourself for battle.

Unless you are too cowardly.

Brendar the Barbarian is in my throne room.

Prepare to be smothered...

In compliments!

Ooh!

Big fan. Big, big fan.

What... why is it so dark in here?

Alexa, lights on.

Thank you, Alexa. Whoa.

Welcome to my castle.

Mi castle is su castle.

Is this how all wizards initiate a battle?

- Who said anything about a battle? - The owl.

- Hey, it got her here, didn't it? - Point taken.

Who are you?

- Huh? What? - Announce yourself.

State your name and what you want.

Um...

I am Evan the musical troll of Gothmoria.

A-and I demand that you repair my lute.

By demand, I mean, um... please?

- No. - Okay then.

We need to work on that.

So, Brendar, I heard you're a free agent,

and I'm in need of someone like you

for an important yet dangerous quest.

"Yet Dangerous" is my middle name.

- Aha! - What kind of quest?

Stand back and behold

the Quest Exposition Explanation!

- Settle in, everyone. - Gather around.

On the outskirts of Gothmoria

is a magical castle

housing a most powerful witch named Gnarlia.

That amulet you see is mine!

She took it from me, and I want it back.

But it won't be easy.

We gotta traverse the Dark Forest of Torment,

the Black Mountains of Despair,

and the Light Gray River of Mild Inconveniences.

We'll end at the Castle Gnarlia.

Brendar will smash down the castle door,

take out the guards while I confront that witch.

Have a magic spar,

ending with me, the victor!

Thank you.

What's so important about this rock that you need me?

Well, you see this

ordinary looking owl here before you

is actually my beautiful daughter, Stacey.

- What? - That evil witch Gnarlia

turned my beautiful daughter into an owl!

- What? - Yeah, what's sad is that

that evil witch is Stacey's mother.

- What?! - Mm.

- Plot twist. - Whoa!

Wow, an evil witch turned you into an owl.

- That is so sad. - Not really.

I'm a total night person, and I love to fly.

Plus I get to poop on people, which is not gross.

- It's natural. - Hmm. Sure.

You don't need a barbarian.

You need a family therapist.

We're losing her, Dad. Seal the deal!

Uhh... wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Uh, in exchange for your all-inclusive barbarian escort

for me to retrieve my amulet, you will win...

poof!

This bucket of gold.

- Bucket not included. - No, thanks.

If you need a bucket, I got a guy.

Ah, how about this? Uh, poof!

This anagogic cloak of displacement

inscribed with mystical runes,

and inside, a vest of illusion.

Holy moly. Displacement and illusion?

You gotta take that deal.

There's only one item in this room

that I will accept as payment.

- This axe. - Eh. That axe is cool,

but the vest can take you from day to night.

Tell her what she's won, Axey.

The duel-plated demon chopper!

Forged in the seventh lower level of Hagmord,

then cooled in the tears of a dragon.

I come complete with a comfort-grip handle,

making me a quintessential questing must.

Demons beware, because you're getting chopped.

Offer valid in 29 kingdoms. Some restrictions apply.

Ah, well, it's no sparkly vest but whatevs.

Yes, but she has been dipped in dragon's tears.

Some restrictions apply.

And only axes dipped in dragon's tears

have the power to destroy demons.

Depending on restrictions.

And I know just the demon I wanna destroy.

So what do you say, Brendar?

Can I get you in a quest today?

Wizard Scrum, I accept your offer.

And I solemnly pledge to protect you

on your quest to retrieve your magical amulet.

Sweet. Who's hungry?

- We do an excellent garlic mash. - Yum!

It's made by skeletons, so look out for bones.

Boy, some people will do anything these days

to get a-head.

Impudent sky vermin,

I am the leader of the Great Undead Army.

Check it. It's alive-ish.

Where's the rest of you, pal?

You will take me to the castle of the wizard, Horus Scrum,

where I will rebuild my body.

Well, we love to help strangers.

- Don't we, Norm? - Oh, yeah.

That's all we do around here is help, help, help.

Yeah. So help me.

And then the centaur says,

"Well, clearly you bet on the wrong half."

That's a weird way to lose money.

Oh, hi. Uh, no thanks.

I'm so excited about going on this journey,

I've lost my appetite.

Wait a second. I didn't hire the purple guy.

What are you doing here, purple guy?

What...? Brendar.

Tell him I'm part of the quest.

It's his quest. You tell him.

Ask the nice wizard if you can come.

- Yeah, he who pays has the say. - That's right.

All right.

I'm the guy who's gonna write songs about your quest.