Baby Mama

I did everything that I was supposed to do.

I didn't cry in meetings. I didn't wear short skirts.

I put up with the weird upper management guys

that kiss you on the mouth at Christmas.

Is it fair that to be the youngest VP in my company,

I will be the oldest mom at preschool?

Not really, but that's part of the deal.

I made a choice.

Some women got pregnant. I got promotions.

And I still aspire to meet someone

and fall in love and get married,

but that is a very high-risk scenario.

And I want a baby now. I'm 37.

It's too much for a first date, isn't it?

I said too much.

I'm just gonna go use the...

I'm gonna need this to go.

Good morning. Thank you for being here so early.

Hi. How are you?

Let's get started.

That one.

Oh.

Well...

I just don't like your uterus.

Don't get me wrong.

Your eggs are in great shape, but you have a T-shaped uterus.

That combined with your advanced maternal age,

it's preventing proper implantation.

Why do I have this T-shaped uterus?

Well, probably has something to do with medication

that was given to your mother when she was pregnant with you.

We used lot of drugs back in the '70s

which we now know can cause infertility.

Infertility?

Yeah. I would say that your chances of conceiving are very low.

How low?

Well, I don't want to assign a number to it.

What would you assign it? A color, a nickname, a locker?

Okay.

One in a million.

I just don't like...

Don't say that again.

Come to think of it,

I did take something for liver spots when I was pregnant with you,

but I really don't see how that could cause any problems for your uterus.

It was just a different time.

They didn't warn people about side effects.

They warned me.

I think I might even have signed something.

What?

Kate, I was 30 years old. I was starting to get liver spots.

Liver spots!

I just hope you put this baby mania to rest.

It's not mania.

How many times have you tried now?

-Three? -Nine.

The last two were in vitro.

Have you considered adoption?

I have applied for an adoption, yes.

Kate, please don't get a black baby.

Well, I don't think we'll have to worry about that,

because for a single woman,

it can take about five years to get an adoption.

I've just had it with all these movie stars showing off.

"Look at me and my black baby."

Kill me. I want you to stab me with something.

You know, Kate, not everyone is as tolerant

of your alternative lifestyle as we are.

Being single is not an alternative lifestyle.

It is when you're 37.

Oh, out like a light.

Have you thought about using a surrogate?

I saw a thing about it on Dateline.

No, it's weird. It's for weirdos.

I'm just gonna keep trying by myself.

Kate, building a family is not like opening one of your stores.

It's not an executive decision. It's real life. It's messy.

These hormone injections make me want to punch you in the face right now.

No hitting.

-That's right. -You're right.

-There you go. -Come on.

Well, how much longer are you gonna put your body through this?

Look, I know for years I said I didn't want one,

but I just woke up one day,

and I felt like every baby on the street was staring at me.

Katie's coming out of the mommy closet.

Hey, Tyler.

Tyler, what is this all over you?

Is that chocolate or poop?

Huh?

Is that chocolate or poop?

It's chocolate.

What if that had been poop?

I told you, messy, but great.

Not bad.

Everybody do a shot of this pea soup.

Let's go with this. Call it "Health Monster."

That's great.

It's what I do.

You know,

I was swimming this morning with the dolphins in Costa Rica,

and I realized something.

I am a great man.

And great men do great things.

I want to open a flagship store right here in Philadelphia.

I want it to be the biggest store we ever built,

I want it to be made of 100% recyclable materials,

and I want it to be so beautiful that people want to get married in it.

Kate, join me up here.

Uh... I'm wearing a dress, Barry.

Won't you?

Sure.

Okay.

Kate, I want you to spearhead this as our new vice president.

This is me transferring my success to you.

Thank you, Barry.

Hold on.

Thanks.

- Congratulations. - Yeah.

- Thank you. - Congratulations, Kate.

Hello. I'm Chaffee Bicknell.

Oh! There's just one of you.

I thought Chaffee and Bicknell were two different people.

Come in.

I started this business because I saw a growth market.

We don't do our own taxes anymore.

We don't program our computers.

We outsource.

And what is surrogacy if not outsourcing?

Wait. You're not saying my baby would be carried

by some poor, underpaid woman in the third world.

No.

We're also expensive.

Our fee is $100,000.

It costs more to have someone born than to have someone killed.

It takes longer.

All of our surrogates undergo extensive background checks.

Criminal records, credit reports, medical histories

and psychological testing.

But why do these women do it? Is it just for the money?

You do your job for the money,

but I bet you love it and you're good at it.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you plan on hiring a nanny?

Of course. I have to go back to work.

How is this any different?

A nanny is someone you trust

to take care of your baby after it's born.

A surrogate mother is someone you trust

to take care of your baby before it's born.

Either way it's your baby.

And here's my baby.

Hello, my sweetheart. Hello, little one.

Oh, yes. What a good girl. Yes.

Everyone deserves this.

That's why I wanna remove the stigma from surrogacy.

There's no wrong way to make a family.

And you're proof of that.

How do you mean?

Just that you have this beautiful baby using surrogacy.

Oh, no.

My husband and I conceived Sabrina the old-fashioned way.

-But you're so... -Old?

You wouldn't think so if you saw my uterus.

But you know what really made this little angel possible?

A time machine?

A positive attitude.

You may not have my fertile body,

but with my help you can still be a mother.

Nice.

Yo, who you waiting on again?

Her name's Angie.

She's, uh... Well, she might be my surrogate mother.

Oh, that's right. You got your baby mama coming.

You know I got two baby mamas, right?

No, this is different.

You had relationships with those women.

No, I had no relationships with those women.

I had relations with those women.

No. I'm paying her. This was set up by an agency.

There are contracts involved. It's strictly business.

You pay the bills, she have the baby. That's called a baby mama.

You ask any black man in Philadelphia.

Yo, what if that's your baby mama?

I don't think that's her.