Jeff & Some Aliens

Wow!

You are getting nasty.

I'd hate to be the kid following you at that talent show.

They're gonna be scarred for life.

Actually, Uncle Jeff,

I'm not doing the talent show this year.

I'm quitting the flute.

What are you talking about?

I've got to start focusing on my brand and being hot.

- That's really hard work. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I ought to wash your mouth out with soap,

talking like that. You have real talent.

- You don't need to... - Sorry, Uncle Jeff.

The flute was a really fun part of my childhood,

but my childhood is over.

Whoa.

Hello?

Holy , what?

I got to go. My Uber's here.

Julie, wait, what we've been doing in there

is nothing to be ashamed of.

It's a beautiful thing.

Look, Jeff, I'm 13.

You can't make me do things I don't want to do.

Oh, my God.

No, wait, Julie, no, no. Oh.

Jeff, in my country, we say,

a man should not pick green peaches.

Okay. Well, uh, good to know.

See you later.

Wait, what?

This sucks.

What the hell is happening to my niece?

In our research, we found that humans

go through a period of change

right around the age of puberty.

Wow. You guys are really doing

some groundbreaking work here, aren't ya?

First, they start being rude and sarcastic.

Then they try to fit in by giving up

the very quirks and interests that make them who they are.

Next thing you know, they're all just dreamless husks,

stumbling blind toward the grave

like a bunch of sad, lonely ghosts.

Jesus!

Look what would've happened to your favorite cultural heroes

if they'd given up on their dreams.

You ever heard of Drizzy Drake?

We started from the bottom.

Now we're here.

Which is very alarming, I might add.

Oh, God, not the 6 Man.

There's more.

Hi, yes, um,

I'm calling to see if you're satisfied with your current

auto insurance policy...

Jesus, turn that off. Come on, stop it.

You know, I used to have a dream too.

Heh, it might sound silly,

but I wanted to be a professional bongo player.

That doesn't sound silly at all.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would've been like

if I'd just stuck with it.

I had a feeling you might be curious about that.

Always like to be prepared.

Arigato, Kyoto!

- Jeff! Jeff! - Here!

No, no, no. Not tonight, ladies.

I'm sorry. I just can't have an orgy

every single night.

Aww.

Oh, all right.

Yay.

The next eight hours get pretty filthy.

Okay, well, there is no way I can let Julie

make the same mistake I did.

But I don't know how in the hell

I'm supposed to get through to her.

Yeah, it's nearly impossible to have any influence

on a preteen girl these days.

Unless you're one of her besties,

a celebrity, or even a frenemy.

How do you guys know so much about preteen girls?

- We keep one in the basement. - What?

Meet Sasha.

Oh, my God, you killed a child!

Oh, no. Oh, I've got to call the cops...

- Jeff, relax. - Call the cops...

It's a robot.

Oh...

You see, Jeff, our original mission was to study

the most complex social creature on your entire planet,

tween girls.

But ultimately we had to find a subject that was more simplistic...

Oblivious, easily impressed...

Wow, a robot! This is awesome.

Whoa, okay. All right.

Well, all we got to do is

get her in the same room as Julie and boom...

they'll be besties in no time.

And then we'll convince her to keep playing the flute

and follow her dreams.

I mean, this plan couldn't be any simpler.

Mm, this shepherd's pie is great.

Those shepherds, they really had it figured out, huh?

Jeff, I still don't fully understand.

Who is this girl?

Look, it's pretty simple.

Her dad is a buddy of mine.

You know, he's a... a local minor league football player.

And he has a bunch of away games in a row,

so he just asked me to keep an eye on Sasha while he's out of...

Wait, he plays for the Tigersharks?

Uh, yeah, but that... that's not the point.

Holy ! Who is he?

Please tell me it's Tyrese Marshall.

What? N-no, no, no, uh.

He's new there, and, like,

third-string wide receiver or something. Anywa...

Carl Lingus! Your dad is Carl Lingus?

Look, you're getting hung up on the wrong details, okay?

The point is, Sasha is really cool

and maybe her and Julie could be friends.

Hey.

Hi, are you on social media?

Because I'm on all the most popular platforms,

- including LinkedIn and Badoo. - Uhh...

Hey, Sasha, that's not how cool people talk.

Okay, sorry, sorry. Uh.

Do you want to talk about hair?

Sure.

Well, I'm very excited because I recently grew pubic hair.

- Ew! - It's a natural cushion

against friction and protection from bacteria

and other unwanted pathogens.

As you can see, she's really smart.

What the hell was that?

We tried to tell you, Jeff.

Girls are an exquisite mystery that can't be unlocked.

No, no, no, no, no, that's not the problem here, okay?

I'm just gonna have to pilot this teenage girl robot myself,

like any good uncle would do.

It's pretty... uh... small.

This is... gonna be a tight squeeze... ooh.

Okay, I'm inside of her now.

Oh, this feels amazing!

Oh, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.

- It's only $2,000. - Oh, my God.

But my dad won't buy it. He's being such a little bitch.

He makes, like, twice that every month.

Hey, Julie! Over here.

There you are. Hey!

What?

Oh, God; hide me.

Hey.

Sorry about last night.

I know I was acting a little weird.

I was on my period.

You guys know how that is, right?

- What? - Who the are you?

I'm Sasha.

Just a cool normal girl like you guys

into pretty much all the same stuff.

Like... Jezebel.

Huge fan. I love that she's, uh,

known for reinventing her style and using overtly sexual themes.

"Jezebel has been described as the voice of a generation.

"In 2014, 'Vagina Monologues' author, Eve Ensler,

stated that the singer was brave and fearless and..."

- Huh. - Oh, whoa, check this out.

Did you guys know that Eve Ensler

is a Nichiren Buddhist?

Anyway,

you guys thinking of doing that talent show this week or what?

Oh, my God, I am so sorry, guys.

This is my Uncle Jeff's weird friend.

The old fat guy with the bongos?

Hey!

You shouldn't talk about people that way

because you could hurt their feelings.

Some people are really self-conscious about the way they look.

You know, they're really sensitive, you know?

I mean, not me because I have thick skin, but...

You have thick skin?

So I can go ahead and tell you

that I can see your disgusting pepperoni nipples...

And they make me want to puke.

I was thinking the same thing.

- There, there, buddy. - Oh, buddy.

I'm never going back. I hate Julie!

I hate her, and I hate, hate, hate her friends.

- They're just jealous. - Shut up.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, hi. I have a daughter

who's getting teased a little at school, heh.

Nothing major, I just, uh,

I was just wondering if you could help me

get her a snazzy new look?

Sure, yeah, no problem. What do you have in...

Oh, and we've got to make sure they really