Home Invasion

Hello. You must be my designated daughter.

Affirmative.

Already getting into character. That's good.

Good girl.

-You're a good girl. -What are you doing?

It's a human custom. It denotes affection for an inferior.

An inferior?

I've been in the service for nearly four months, and I've seen it all.

-Well, simulations of it all. -Perhaps you didn't get the memo. I--

No, no, I don't read memos. No.

You know, once we get underway...

One-- One--

Colonel! What are you doing in there?

Your assigned adolescent infiltrator was killed in action.

-So I'm stepping in. -Oh, my.

If I may ask, what happened to her?

-She died. -Oh, I see.

It's uncomfortable, I know.

Not as pliable as you'd expect. But you'll get used to it.

Yes, sir.

Just don't get too used to it.

I'm retiring when this assignment is complete,

and I don't intend for it taking a nanosecond longer than necessary.

-Colonel. -Commander.

I'm guessing this is our mission specialist.

Hiya.

Wow. I can't believe you're my wife.

Hello.

I mean, you, you're practically the face of the Expeditionary Corps.

Well, not this face.

Well, as faces go, it's not bad.

-For a human, of course. -That was a compliment.

Stop it.

Wow. A decorated war hero for a daughter

and a rising star for a wife.

What did I do to deserve this mission?

I think we're both asking ourselves that same question.

Launch preparation complete.

Is that a new Mark 17 system?

I hear they're the smartest ones yet.

That it is. And I'm sure she'll take great care of us.

-Right, C.A.S.I.E.? -Oh, absolutely!

I'll take care of you.

Come on. Come on, Mick.

Come on!

Oh, God.

Stop right there. Hands up.

Dispatch, this is Charlie-9 responding to that 1033.

Be advised we're coming in with one suspect, over.

There she is. Hiya.

Hi, Tom.

-Mick? -Tommy.

How the hell did you get in here?

Professional experience, Tommy Boy.

How the hell did you get in here?

I work here, you know, like, a job.

-Maybe you don't. -No, I saw the sign.

I didn't think they gave jobs like this to people with priors.

Is this about the Lowell job?

Because here, we like to talk about something

called evidence.

Who says I don't have any evidence?

Okay. Hand it over,

or I will send you so far up the river

that a seven-year stretch will feel like a weekend staycation.

So you do know where I've been!

Fun times. You should have been there!

Okay. I have a career to protect.

I'm not gonna let one old mistake

ruin everything that I have accomplished.

No, you're letting a new mistake do that.

Thanks for the confession, dumbass.

Okay... Give me that or...

I will kick your ass and take it from you.

-You wanna go? -Whoa, what do you want?

Look, it's not what I want, alright, it's what I need.

Okay, then what is it that you need?

You.

You need a lawyer? You've just got out of jail!

No! I need a lock pick.

I need the old you!

I have not done anything like that in years.

Believe me, I know. You weren't my first choice.

But if that seven-year stretch taught me one thing,

it's that life is about doing favors and then calling in debts.

I could only make it every single day while I was locked up for those--

"Every single day for those seven years."

-What are you--? What are you doing? -What am I doing?

-What are you doing? -It's a coping mechanism. I--

The point is, buddy boy, I've come a-calling.

And if you check your balance sheet here,

you'll see you owe me a big, fat solid.

Okay.

Okay. This is new.

Okay. Just take a deep breath. Breathe with me.

Okay? Listen. It's not that big of a deal, alright?

It's one little lock on one little door...

-Yeah. -to one teeny, tiny, little...

mansion.

Just help me with this one, insignificant thing, alright,

and then this goes away, and you never gotta see me again.

And if I don't?

Then I imagine that a certain audio recording

will be waiting in the DA's inbox early tomorrow morning.

No, you wouldn't.

I think I've demonstrated that I most absolutely would!

But I'm the Assistant D.A.!

I can't help a convicted felon break into a house!

No!

I can't believe I'm doing this.

You better start believing, because it's about to get real.

-You ready? -No! Not at all!

Good. Masks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's game ti--

-What? -Why are you staring at me?

No, it's meant to be, like, a reassuring smile.

You're wearing a ski mask!

Yeah...

Yeah, in hindsight, that was more for me than it was for you, but--

No! I just said I was not ready!

Okay. Alright.

-Is there a problem? -Can you just cool it for a second?

-It's been a long time. -Sure, take your time.

It's not like we're standing--

That was easier than anticipated.

You want a trophy?

Okay. Well, you asked me to pick a lock, I picked a lock.

-I'm leaving. -Tom, you can't just leave!

Why not?

Because I don't think I can do this alone.

Then give me one reason I should trust you.

Please.

-You're sure there's nobody in there? -Yeah.

I cased the place day and night for three weeks.

God!

-Okay, which way? -How should I know?

-You shush! -I am shushed!

-Stop shushing me! -I'm not shushing you!

-What was that? -Why would I shush myself?

Lights on!

Surprise!

Happy birthday!

You guys rock!

Wait, who said, "happy birthday"?

Oh, man, you guys totally got me with those masks!

I definitely thought I was getting robbed for a sec.

Have we met?

-Can I talk to you about our Lord--? -I'm looking for my dog--

Wait!

You two studs are in Accounting!

-You got us! -Guilty as charged!

Budgets are such a buzz kill.

You just keep your paws off my 401(k).

Alright? Yeah.

Oh, man. Of course I've got a little something set aside

that the IRS doesn't know about.

But, hey, that's not a crime now, is it?

Yeah, it's called tax evasion.

-What was that? -He had something on his...

What happened? What's so funny?

You didn't see--? You know... It's a hell of a party, right?

Funny!

You know?

I'm not entirely sure what this is, but I'm into it!

How about I get you dude bros a couple of dude brews?

Sure, why not.

Okay. Oneskie, twoskie, I'll be back with the brewskies.

Don't you go anywhere. I'll know.

Hell, yeah!

-"Sure, why not"? -I don't know, I panicked!

-I was trying to get rid of him. -He'll come back!

Oh, God, you're right.

So what do you suggest we do, "dude bro"?

I don't know...

Mingle?

Al, what on Earth do you think you're doing?

Trick question. Everything I do is on Earth.

Are you seriously packing right now?

It's just a few souvenirs, Val.

You have got to be joking me.

It's one tiny little thing.

You know we're not taking any of that with us, right?

Not even the toilet paper?

I don't have time for this.

Time!

That reminds me.

Tom.

How much will we get for this receiver?

What do you think you're doing?

I'm opening up a Radio Shack, what the hell?

There wasn't supposed to be anyone here.

You think you can just walk out of here with stolen goods

while there's a rave going on?

Let's get wasted!

-I don't have a choice, alright? -Alright.

Someone's gonna see. Believe me, someone always sees.

Thank you for the legal brief. Now, how much do you think--

There is a solution to your problem, Mick.