Emily the Criminal

Okay.

Okay, oh. Office experience, which is great.

Okay.

So Emily, I do see that you have something

on your permanent record.

Is that right?

Yeah. Yes, it is.

Oh. We haven't run a background check.

We don't usually do that.

Could you fill us in on the details?

Sure.

I have dui, like, a misdemeanor dui.

What happened exactly?

I drove some friends home from a concert

and I ran a red light.

Everybody was fine, but-

and you were intoxicated?

I was less intoxicated than my friends, but yeah,

that's what happened, so.

Okay.

So this is your official background check,

which I have read and according to the state,

you were convicted of aggravated assault in 2016.

Is that correct?

So, you do have all my information?

I'm uh... Yeah, yeah. I'm afraid we do.

Okay. Okay.

Why would you-

well, If you want us

to be generous with you,

then you need to be generous with us and be honest.

Okay?

Okay.

This is a very important job.

You'd be handling private medical files.

Right.

Right. You're right.

I'm sorry.

Yeah. Let's start over, okay?

Okay.

Can you tell us what happened with the assault?

No?

No. Why would you trick somebody like that?

- Oh! I did not trick you... - Yeah, you did.

What I did is very common. That's a very common technique.

Oh, is that right? So, you do that all the time?

If people chose to be honest,

then I wouldn't have to do that all the time.

Well, you know what? Fuck this. I don't even want to work here.

Emily, I'm sorry you're upset but-

no, you're not.

Calm down, please.

I am calm.

And you asked me why I want this job

because I got $70,000 of student debt.

There's your fucking answer right there.

Yeah. You need to leave.

Yeah, actually. You know what?

Give me that too.

- Okay, fine. Thank you. - Yeah, thank you too.

Excuse me.

[Chefl there you go.

Can I get that dressing on the side?

So, this is the house salad, dressing on the side,

then the chicken churrasco, black beans.

Okay. Did we get two rice orders?

Two rice. Two veggies.

Okay, good.

Give me a second, yeah?

Hey, yo! Emily, yo. Are you working tonight?

No, I just got off.

Do you want my shift?

My son has a baseball game in glendale.

His mother was supposed to take him.

I called everybody, like, everybody.

Dude, I don't usually work downtown at night.

I know this. Big favor.

All right, I got you.

Thank you, gracias, for real.

Let me, yeah, yeah. One second, okay?

Let me hook you up.

Text that number.

You can make like two hundred bucks in an hour.

Iswear to god.

What is this?

Dummy shopper.

You know what that is? Yeah?

Dummy shopper?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's super easy.

You and me at lunch tomorrow, right?

- Yeah, I'll see you then. - All right. Be good.

Thank you. Come on.

- Hey. - Hey.

You got some mail.

Thanks.

Hi, yeah.

I paid four hundred on the tenth,

and it was never applied to my balance.

Four hundred.

It was applied to my interest?

Sorry. How much interest is being added a month?

Doing what?

Excuse me, lady.

You can't park here. You got to go.

All right.

- Hey. Hi. - Hi, hi, hi.

- Yo. Sorry. - Oh no, it's all good.

I just got here.

God, my life is so fucking insane right now.

I can't even... are you okay?

Yeah, no. I'm going to Portugal.

For work?

Yeah, I got to go oversee this photo shoot

for a print campaign.

So we're going to porto,

some little village on the Spanish border.

- Holy shit. - Yeah, yeah.

It's only for eleven days but-

eleven days? That's awesome.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah. So how are you?

What's up? It's been a minute.

Are you still doing portraits?

Yeah. Like, yes and no.

I'm not painting at all right now. Yeah.

Paint's expensive.

Yes. Yeah, I need a job.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Like a real job, like a real job. Yeah.

Yeah. Just to like pay my loans and yeah.

So I might go back to Jersey

and live with my stepdad for awhile and save money.

No. What?

Is that what you want to do?

No, but yeah.

Okay. What if I got you an interview?

'Cause I know that we're hiring a graphic designer

and we're always hiring assistants.

Yeah, but I thought you didn't

feel super comfortable doing that.

No, I know. I know I didn't but my boss loves me.

Like for real, she's obsessed with me.

It's just that I have to like tell her about my record.

That's like the whole thing.

Yeah. No, let me talk to her.

I'll tell her we went to art school together.

I'll vouch for you.

I mean, it'll be fine.

Really?

You're not going back to Jersey. Fuck that.

- Okay. - Fuck that.

Thank you.

Of course.

All right. Let's get a drink.

Yes. Are you drinking?

I'm drinking, but I don't know.

Yeah, I'll have wine. I'll take it easy.

Whoa!

No, no. Come on, come on, come on.

Oh my god.

Oh my god, I'm drunk.

Oh my god. Fuck!

Hi. I'm here for the-

let me see your driver's license.

Who gave you our number?

Javier Santos.

Can you tell me exactly-

wait.

Hello, Javier? Do you know Emily borato?

Benetto - boretto.

Benetto

This kid is really cool though.

He acting like he don't give a shit.

Man, he over here just.

Who here has been a dummy shopper before?

Raise your hands but only if you've done it.

You did?

Where? In L.A.?

Nah, Milwaukee.

Oh, Milwaukee.

What'd you buy, snow shoes?

Nah, like an iPad mini. Two iPad minis.

Good.

So for everybody else, listen up.

In the next hour, you will make two hundred cash,

but you will have to do something illegal.

You won't be in danger.

You won't endanger another person,

but you will be breaking the law.

So if you're not cool with that, I get it,

and you can go at any time.

Can I keep going?

Yeah, that's what we want.

Uh huh.

Good.

Grab a card, please.

In a few minutes you will go into a store

and buy some merchandise.

Any of these flat screens is okay.

Just buy one and wheel it outside.