Rick and Morty

You're about to learn the tragic fate

of the Oak Point High lacrosse team.

But this podcast won't cash in on their specific

and particularly gruesome group decapitation.

Too bad. Someone else will.

It's a big market, man.

Morty, don't just respond.

Find a podcast without scruples.

CryoShip detected.

Ooh, power's still online?

Whattaya think, Morty? Bunch of sleeping beauties?

Wanna go tap on some glass?

Uh, that could be fun.

W-We haven't done one of those in a while.

Welcome to "Bloodbath"!

The podcast that's only grisly details!

Now we're talking!

Holy shit. Look at this place.

Damn, Morty, ain't just your run-of-the-mill ark ship.

This thing is gold-plated.

Wow, w-where do you think they're going?

Ha ha. Looks like these guys flung themselves into space

after wrecking their home world.

This'll be like taking candy from a baby,

if that baby was in a coma.

Oh. We're -- We're robbing them?

Morty what did I just say about scruples?

Whoa, mama. You see this, Morty?

T-T-This thing is fancy.

Computer said it's got super-rare hypercoal inside.

Ha ha ha! The planet they left must be a husk, Morty.

Access denied.

Huh.

Alright, on second thought,

let's just blow a hole in the ship and drag the vault home.

What?! Help me with these charges.

This'll be quick. They got fast countdowns.

Rick, I-I'm fine with taking candy from a baby,

but I-I draw the line at blowing up the stroller!

What the hell, Morty?!

We're not literally robbing babies.

Aah!

God damn it, Morty! Look what you did!

They're counting down even faster.

Fire detected.

Emergency Cryo-wake commencing in 30 seconds.

You little shit! You woke 'em up!

Good! Let's get outta here! Fuck you.

I'm not leaving without that hypercoal!

Now go find that other pod with a dead guy in it.

Hey! Sub-Bay 18.

What dead guy?!

Just get in the pod with the bones!

Or don't, and get thrown out an airlock.

Cryo-wake in 10 seconds. You did this to yourself, Morty.

Everything that happens after this is your fault.

You're gonna wish you were one of those Oak Point kids

after I get through with you. I'm going, I'm going!

Don't you run away from me!

I've got more to yell at you, Morty!

Morty!

Cryo-wake in three, two... Shit, shit, shit.

Whoa! Uh! Uh! Aah! Oh! Ah!

Oh, boy.

Talk about cryo-crick in the neck.

Hope my schwanz still works.

What's a schwanz?

-Jimmy?! -Oh, my God!

Jimmy? Is that you?!

Umm, no?

It's our boy, honey --

He's got the family bald spot.

Doctor! Doctor, please!

Ah, Karen. How can I --

Oh, my God!

The pod. There must have been some kind of...

malfunction.

Son? Are you in there?

What do you remember?

Um, last thing I remember was being...13.

11. 11.

It must be the pituitary governor on his pod.

While we were in stasis,

Jimmy kept growing at an accelerated rate.

Will he be okay?

Short answer -- no. Long answer -- nope.

Doctor!

I went to school for medicine, not manners.

Look at him -- gray skin, necrotic breath, jaundiced eyes.

I give him a week, tops.

Our poor child!

We're gonna use whatever time we have left to make things right.

Should I get him some clothes?

His penis is big now.

Ugh. Wish that pod had a snooze button.

Alright, Makeys, let's get to work!

Um, aren't -- aren't we all, like, super rich?

Only thing "rich" down here is that joke.

"Chachaco"... you're on toilet duty.

Ooohhkay, I'm not supposed to be here.

M-M-My grandpa's a scientist.

I-I just jumped in this pod because -- What?

MedBay! Got another compliance chip on the fritz.

Why do I have to mop?! I should be driving the ship!

Ohhhh! Ha ha. J-Jokin' again!

I-I'm definitely the thing you guys are.

Uh, ready to clean!

Jimmy! There you are!

We've been looking for you.

Are you trying to open the vault?

I thought maybe you were stuck in there.

I'm just a kid and, uh, dumb.

That's alright, sweetie.

Money affords us the ability to be dumb.

Son, it's important to us

that you're recognized as a man in the eyes of God...

before you die, which feels soon.

So, tomorrow night,

we're holding your Constellatio Celebratio!

Pretty sure God already made me a man.

Like, very rapidly.

But he didn't make you a citizen.

This will.

And once you join our society,

you'll get access to our knowledge,

our history... Our hypercoal?

Well, sure.

You'd get a key to the vault like every citizen.

You see, son, we're very, very rich.

Wow. Okay, yeah. Let's, uh --

Let's Constellatio this up. I-I'm in!

Ahh, that's the spirit! Come on, son.

Let's get you a big lollipop

and dress you like a little sailor.

Ugh! How much shit is there?

They've only been awake for five hours.

Grub time, Chachaco!

Hurry. We only got eight minutes.

Great.

Man, cryo-sleep, huh?

Guess I forgot how bad the food was.

Yeah, wish I could forget.

Tastes like lumpy piss.

Aah!

Which I love!

Love piss. Look at me eat it up.

This gruel, it's got energy, lumps,

all the things a Makey needs.

Um, why do we call ourselves that again?

Wow, cryo really took it outta you, huh?

They gave us that term.

'Cause we "make" it all possible.

I-If we're Makeys,

may-- may-- maybe that makes them "Takeys."

Ha ha.

Did you not just get complio-shocked?

Oh...yeah.

Y-Y-You learn to take the pain. Heh.

-Whoa! -Bad-ass!

Chachaco's hard-core.

Mm.

Rick?! W-Where the hell have you been?

Morty! Great news. It's all going as planned.

We didn't have a plan! We do now.

These people, Morty, they're golden retrievers.

No natural predators, totally softened by generational wealth.

Tomorrow they're throwing me some kind

of "becoming a man" thing and just giving me the hypercoal.

Who cares?! Get me outta here!

I-I'm literally scooping shit by hand!

Good. You made your bed, lay in it.

Gimme the car keys! No! We're not leaving!

Yes, we are, you greedy shit!

Damn! Chachaco's giving

that old rich kid a piece of his mind!

Aah! Oh!

Give them to me, you Takey scum!

Hey! Leave our son alone!

Your son sucks! Ugh!

Chachaco, are you crazy?!

Get back here!

We'll be speaking to your manager!

No, no. It's fine. Just jealous poor people.

Ungrateful monsters!

Impatient, too!

Holy shit. Are you crazy?

We're all gonna get it now!

What the hell got into you, Chachaco?!

He's an asshole.

Okay, seriously.

How are you not getting zapped?

Ow! Hey! Something's up with his chip.

He don't got one!

-Oh! -No chip?!

Um, I-I took it out.

They said taking the chips out would kill us.

Chachaco is living proof it won't.

Wait! Wait! Stop!

Chachaco killed Tibs!

Should we tell someone?