Hedgehog

- Please put your hands together

for the guy you've been waiting for all night,

the amazing, the funny, the awesome,

my very good friend, Mr. Nick Chambers.

Wow, thank you.

Thank you, man, oh.

You ever feel like you're born in the wrong time period?

I don't know, that's how I feel.

Like everyone's trying to do relationship things

on these apps and phones, things like that,

but I feel like you gotta do things face to face.

It could be difficult if one of those faces is this face.

I think I was born in the wrong time period.

I wish I was back in the 1920s and 1930s,

back when all the lead singers sounded like trombones.

You know that voice?

- Hey come on, smoke out of the window,

you're gonna ash on your dress.

I'm not gonna ash on my dress.

- Yes you are, and I paid a lot of money for it,

so don't mess it up.

- Actually your mother paid for this dress.

Same difference.

What are you 12?

Ugh, thank god.

Kyle, I love you, but you have too much family.

Preach.

Hey Ali.

Hi.

- Your mother's trying to redecorate our bedroom.

Yeah, she does that.

- Oh, did my mom try to Feng Shui the furniture?

I don't know.

I left after they were trying to determine

whether the bed was facing due north.

Does one of you have gum?

Yeah.

- How much longer do we have to be here?

- Uh well, considering it is your party and your house,

I would say a while.

Ugh, god.

Here, man.

I just wanna go get tacos.

Right?

- Jesus you two are lightweights.

That sounds amazing right now.

- Could we do that? - I mean--

Could we bail?

You just hop in the car and--

- Listen, let's, let's ignite this sedan, and just.

Trailblaze.

- I'm firing this thing up right now.

- Oh hi. - Hi.

You're Kyle's cousin.

Uh yeah, I'm one of many.

I'm Ali.

You're the matron of honor?

- Oh no, no, I'm just your standard bridesmaid,

but the matron is Jill,

the rather surly looking woman in the corner

with the two and a half children.

- I, I heard you're quite a comedian.

- That's what the fortune cookies keep telling me, so.

- Well, right, well, it's nice talking with you.

Mm-hm, yeah.

Okay.

Oh shit.

Here comes trouble.

Hi, Danny.

Look at you, all fancy.

Oh, you like?

What's the occasion?

Wedding, pre-wedding.

Pre-wedding.

- Yeah, it's the party before the party.

That's who they do it.

Is that right?

How'd you know I'd be here?

Where else would you be?

You're calling me predictable?

Never.

- Well, you went looking for me and you found me, so.

- Who said I was looking for you?

Oh, she's cold.

She's cold.

Hi, can I help you?

- Yeah, is this Writing for Comedy?

Are you Alma?

Ali, yeah.

- Then this is Writing for Comedy, come on in.

All right, now that everyone is here, welcome.

Here is the syllabus for the next few weeks.

Please take one, pass it down.

As Ali here has just established,

this is Writing for Comedy, an eight-week course

designed to give you all professional careers

in comedic writing.

Really?

No.

You're here because you need to learn how to write,

and being good at it comes much later.

Okay, let's look at page two of the syllabus.

And let's look at week eight.

A stand-up performance.

Oh my god, you look so good.

Oh, if you look better than me,

I'm gonna be so pissed.

- Okay, nobody's gonna look better than you, all right?

And even if they do, just throw some bridezilla shit.

Throw 'em in the lake.

What lake?

- Isn't there always a lake at these things?

You know, something for the swans or the doves,

or something with peace birds.

- Have you ever actually been to a wedding?

Is everyone happy here?

Yeah, fits like a glove.

- Great, we also offer steam and press package,

so it's guaranteed to be perfect on the day.

- Oh yes, totally, I'll go for that.

Hey, I'm paying for my dress.

- Hey, this I just a bonus, let me do this for you.

- Could you excuse us for one minute?

Sure.

Please, um, okay, so.

So you know I love Kyle, you know,

he's like, he's more like a brother than a cousin to me.

You know, like most of our bloodline,

he's been dumber than a bag of hammers for most of his life,

which has been so much better since he met you,

and I'm thankful, and I'm talking about me

and most of the Massachusetts State Police Department here,

but you know, you've already spent like,

all of your savings,

plus having to deal with his crazy parents,

and my psycho ass mother, and um, you know,

all 42 of our cousins,

so just shut up about the dress and let me pay for it, okay?

- Yeah, bring it in for the real thing.

Come on, yeah.

- We're hugging in a bridal shop.

Yes, we are.

And I really hope I don't have to throw you in the lake.

- Next time Big Jim destroys the mens room,

these waders are going to you.

Okay, well I'm not the one

who gave him the endless sub supreme.

Mm.

Hey can I ask a favor?

Shoot.

I need an advance.

How much?

Two week?

Ah, I can't do it.

- You just gave Brendan an advance like last week.

- Yeah, his wife just had a baby.

- Okay, so I need to knock out a kid to get a float.

- No, but maybe if you started doing your own routines

like you keep telling me you want to,

then I could pay you more.

That's harsh.

Mm, you're okay though?

You're not in trouble.

- No, no it's just there's like extra costs

with the wedding, and I'm taking this writing class.

- What is it, a punch up sorta thing?

- No, no, it's like a little more basic than that.

Nice.

- So you gonna give me the money?

No.

You're lame.

- Look Al, if I had more work, I'd give it to you.

If I had more money, I'd give it to you.

But I don't, and there is none,

so either start doing your own sets,

or get a second job.

- Start doing your own routines or get a second job.

You can't even handle my routines, fool.

- I heard a rumor that we're gonna see you up there tonight.

Mm-hm, oh really?

Oh yeah.

Super credible source, never one to lie.

Mm-hm.

You pissed at me or something?

I'm working.

Matt's right, you know.

If you start doing your own sets

instead of checking everyone in,

you could make some more money.

- Okay Brendan, let's just forget for a second

that I didn't really need Matt telling everyone

that I'm strapped for cash,

but I don't even really wanna do stand up anymore.

You know?

I'm over it.

- Is that why you're taking writing classes?

Okay, quit it.

- Listen, if you're that hard up for money,

my neighbor needs help moving.

- I was thinking something a little more long term.