Black Jesus

Jesus, come quick! I checked them last night.

They must've wilted overnight, all of them.

- Drogas. Drugs in the salad! - What, is there weed

- in the tomato? - 'Cause they get

you high like weed, but there ain't no weed in 'em.

- It's just God's love and grace. - Retro J's?

- Mm-hmm. - Baby, you didn't.

- I did. - Oh, my God.

We got to pull off this heist tonight.

We got to go procure the manure, man.

We need it for the garden.

I'm on fire! Aah! Aah!

Tell you like this... that whole garden thing...

That's just some Jim Jones cultness.

You think we don't know you're growing weed in there?!

You ain't got nothing else better to do than

- ride our bumper all day, man? - We ain't going

nowhere till we find out what's going on in there!

All right, place is clean. We're out of here.

I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, but we

- cool, right? - We ain't cool.

That's right, con man, we gonna be back.

We gonna be back, con man.

Ha! That's right! Sweat!

Make that sauce. Not only am I your lord and

- savior, the light and the way... - Mm-hmm.

...I'm also your direct supervisor, so I'm gonna

- need you to watch out one time. - What?

What is that, brah?! You gots to taste the love, man!

Come on, brah!

Ahh.

- Sauce. - Man, I can't believe

I've been stirring this shit for three hours, bro.

But I ain't really tripping, though, 'cause these tomatoes

got me higher than a mother

You better slow down, Joe Brown.

You know, God's love will get you up quick.

But I just really want to say thanks for the job, man.

I mean, it feels good to be back around the homeys and shit.

Man, that valet job... that shit was killing me.

It ain't nothin', man.

We're glad to have you back. But did you tell Dianne you quit your job?

No, I ain't got around to it yet.

Unh-unh. Wait, now.

What's all this chitchat, huh? Y'all stop stirring, Ms. Tudi

stop making money. My lord and savior! Ha ha!

How you doing, Ms. Tudi?

- I'm good. - Ms. Tudi, I was just

thanking Jesus here for the job, and I want to thank you, too.

And I promise you I will not let you down.

Yes, you will. But it's okay, baby.

It's okay, because the point is I can trust you, and that's what

I need right now, 'cause we got a big shipment to make and a lot

of jars to fill. Trayvon and Maggie are in there

- doing a photo shoot. - Man, Ms. Tudi.

I still can't believe y'all pulled this shit off.

Hey, well, we're pulling it off, huh, Jesus?

- Mm-hmm. - We're making a list

of cannabis clubs, and they can't keep it in stock.

Now we just got to keep up with the demand.

Well, Ms. Tudi, if the tomatoes ain't got no weed in

it, why you just can't sell it to everybody?

- Mnh-mnh. - Tell him, Jesus.

You can't do that.

You only can sell it to people who want to get high, brah.

Even though the tomatoes only got God's good love in 'em...

- That's what I'm talkin' about. - ...You can't take away folks' free will.

You don't want yours took away, do you?

- Oh, no. - Right, babies.

Make that money!

Just smile for me.

Ugh. I don't like it. It doesn't say, "Sicilian

- grandmother" to me. - You're over analyzing.

It definitely says, "Sicilian."

I think it's the scarf.

The scarf... it's giving me more Bosnian refugee.

That's what I'm feeling from this.

Can you just loosen up a little bit for her, please?

I'm sorry. She looks like a white mammy,

like a Sicilian mammy. She's giving me straight-up

Aunt Jemima. This is up.

All right. What do you want from her?

I don't know. I mean, I just feel like...

- Well, talk to her. - Permiso.

Do you feel like this is offensive to you as an Italian?

- I am Armenian, sweetheart. - What the is Armenian?

Okay, what's going on here?

Really?

Move out of the way.

Move out of the way. Let me see what y'all are doing.

- Ooh, I like it. I like it. - See?

She looks like an Italian Mrs. Butterworth.

- Told you. - All right.

- Uh, listen, Trayvon... - Yes, ma'am?

...Are you almost done?

'Cause you know I still need my profile pic.

Oh, definitely. I got you. No worries.

Hey, wait, wait. What profile?

Christian hookup, child.

Yep. It's time for me to join the 21st century.

I see. You're gonna be sexting in no time.

Uh, no, no, no.

I ain't about all that, but I am gonna step into the online world.

I just hope I don't meet no crazy nigga.

Watch out for catfishing.

It's very real.

- Hey, councilman! - Hell, no, we won't grow!

You see, this is a community garden, but the

community didn't even ask for this garden.

It's a religious cult. See? All that community stuff is a big smokescreen.

What you're actually looking at

is an unregulated full for-profit business, and they're

making a lot of money in there, too.

Hey, I hope you know you're supporting a cult.

You know, I've always said ain't nothing worse than a bunch

of thugs and hoodlums raising some unregulated vegetables in the hood.

Well, well, well. There's two of them right now. Former convict.

Why don't you get off

our nuts, Vic, and give them old people their suits back, man?

Yeah, man. You're not supposed to wash your

suit jacked with your blue jeans.

That's pretty good.

Young man, I'd like to ask you a few questions.

Your questions, nigga.

Hey, man, you can't talk to no city councilman like that.

This is one of your community leaders.

This Barry bonds-lookin'

mother ain't a community leader.

You recognize this nigga. The nigga was a former pimp from Long Beach.

Nigga had one ho with one eye.

Yeah, that's him. He had the website and everything...

Get your ass up out of here.

Go ahead and run.

Make sure you tell the con man city council's down here.

- We're gonna take this lot back! - you, Vic!

I swear to God, if I wasn't on parole, man...

- I hate this nigga! - You used to run hos, nigga?

You look sexy.

- You're gonna get a lot of hits. - You think so?

- Mm-hmm. - Okay.

All right. So, next step... do you want the

push notifications to go to your phone, or how do you want it?

Push not... what is that?

Well, basically, push notification alerts you

when you get a specific match or you get a response... you know,

- things like that. - Oh. On my phone?

- Yeah, on your phone. - Go ahead, baby.

- All righty. - Okay.

I am looking for a man who loves the lord Jesus Christ, loves to

cook, loves to dance, has respect for interior design.

I'm an independent businesswoman.

I take my career seriously. I need a man who respects that.

- Blah, blah, blah. - I think we're ready to go live.

Live, baby!

Here we go.

Man, I swear to God I can't stand them niggas, man!

Still mad at Lloyd about that potato salad?

No, Vic puss ass.

- Again, brah? - Again!

And this time he brought that shady-ass city councilman with him.

Damn. Are you serious?

Boonie and fish, what's this I'm hearing about Vic?

He out there protesting

the garden again, and he not leaving!

- Damn it! - Well, what's his problem?

He ain't had no ass in a while.

That's why I do myself.

Boonie, enough. Stop, okay?

Seriously, though, what's up with this dude?

To tell you the truth, Ms. Tudi, dude don't like me.

I mean, he a good dude, but he

just think I'm a criminal or something.

- I don't know. - What are we go do?

I mean, we can always surrender.

- Surrender? - Look, y'all,

this garden, these tomatoes... that's some amazing stuff.

But with them comes great struggle for all of us.

We're all gonna be tested, y'all.

I ain't trying to hear all that, Jesus.

- What are we gonna do? - We pray.

Come on. Bring it in, everybody.

Come on. Come on. Come on, man. What, you too hard to pray?

Bring your ass in here.

Don't put that blanket on me.

Dear lord, we come to you today 'cause we need some help.

This fool Vic is being a real

dick right now, and he's making it real hard on the streets.

We seek your blessing and guidance to find the sanctuary

from his dickery and bring this community garden together.

- Mm. - And in my holy

and beautiful and magnificent and, you know, benevolent and

merciful name... the one you gave me, 'cause you know how I

get down, like, world-renowned, you know, walk on water, you

know perform miracles... that's all because of you, lord.

- I thank you. - All right, nigga.

In my magnificent name, let the congregation say...

Amen!

See how that felt?

Ooh, yeah!

Uh-oh! Sookie, Sookie, now! Potential matches in the area!