Trophy Wife

Kate: A year ago, I was single without a care in the world.

Today, I'm married with three stepkids,

and I'm wasted in the back of my husband's ex-wife's car ...

His first ex-wife.

You might be wondering the same thing I am ...

How did I get here?

Well, last year, the closest thing I had to a family

was my best friend, Meg, and we did everything together.

We were ramen-eating... # Jump! #

Random-dating, party-hopping single. # for my love, jump in ... #

And we had fun.

Anytime one of us went through a breakup...

We'd head to casa grande for karaoke. # and feel my touch ... #

And lately, there was a log of karaoke.

but I was a romantic, # jump, jump, jump, jump #

so I knew, when I finally met the right guy...

I'd jump right in. # jump ... #

So sorry.

Uh... Okay, don't freak out, but you're ... you're bleeding.

Can I get some napkins, please?

- So sorry. - I'm ok... this hurts.

He was charming and, even though I broke his nose,

- He insisted the doctor see me first. - Oh, come on. You call that a scar?

- Yeah. - Look at this.

I slipped on an icy step in law school.

Sued the school. I won. Paid for law school.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Check this one out. I punched a crossing guard.

2002. Cliff diving in Costa Rica.

Right before I go, I notice this mole.

- Melanoma. - Two things you should know about me.

One, love Costa Rica. Two, hate melanoma.

One thing you should know about me ... I'm allergic to nuts.

- Dad! Dad! I'm still awake! - Whoa. What are you doing up, little man?

And then I met his family.

You know what? The babysitter called and said that you

were in the hospital, so I rounded up the kids and told them

- to prepare for the worst. - She did say that, yeah.

- Hillary: Hi, dad. - You're married.

- Uh, uh, this is my ex-wife Jackie. - Hi. I'm Jackie.

- This is my son Warren, my daughter Hillary. - Hi.

I found gum!

- Oh! Oh, don't, don't, don't. - Hillary: You should put that d...

- Dad, Warren ... - Warren, drop it.

It's probably covered in fecal matter.

- Mom! - Yes! Mom!

- And then I met his whole family. - Hi, guys. I know.

- You are married. - No. Uh, that's my other ex-wife.

She's the mother of the twins. Jackie is Bert's mom.

- I'm from China. - Oh. - From China.

So, Pete, looks like Dr. Patel says

- that you broke your nose in a bar. - Yeah.

- How did that happen? - Um... Wow. Uh...

- I was in a restaurant. - Jackie: I'm sorry.

Uh, okay, this is an ancient healing technique

I've been really working on.

- It's called Reiki, and it really does a thing. - No, uh...

Excuse me. Can you hold this, please, young lady?

Jackie, do you mind if I just try

a modern healing technique called science?

- All right, sit up, please. - Sit up?

- Kids, look away. - Do you know what you're ...

- Ow! - Ohh!

All right. Good. Thank you.

All right. Let's go. Come on, guys.

- Are you okay? - That hurt, but... I can breathe.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm totally fine. - Dad! I can't get this back in!

Oh, Bert!

Would you... ever want to go out for coffee?

I'm free Tuesdays, Thursdays, and every other weekend.

Some girls would have said no,

but I liked him, so I jumped right in.

Sure. Yeah.

I'm, uh... I think I'm ...

- I'm free every other weekend. - Good.

I mean, I always wanted a husband and family.

I just didn't expect to meet them all in one night.

So now I'm here, and I've got everything under control.

Aah, you little... come on!

Just shut up!

Come ...

Yes.

Hey, guys. Just making breakfast.

- Yeah, we heard. - Oh. Hey, hey.

- My trident. - Oh. Thanks, Warren.

I'm not Warren. I'm Poseidon, God of the Sea!

Aw. That's great.

Hey, less smoke than yesterday.

- Dad, yes! Hey. - You need some help?

No, no. I'm getting the hang of it.

- I love you. - Both: Mwah.

How's the case going?

Uh, it's going well. I have all the evidence.

- I-I just can't put together the... - The argument?

The easel. Guys, you got to go to school.

Chop-chop. I love you both. I love you, too.

Have fun at Model U.N.

- Thanks. I will. Okay. - Warren: Bye, dad.

So, Hil, you excited for the concert?

- Okay, good talk. - She's going with Chelsea Trassen.

Who's Chelsea Trassen?

This junior with an awesome butt.

You know, Hil, when I was your age, I loved going to concerts.

There was this one year we were at Lollapalooza,

and it just started pouring rain,

ad everyone was just moshing in the mud, totally drunk.

What do you mean, drunk? Did you have a fake?

No. We just put vodka in the water bottles

- to get past security. - Oh. Right.

So, it stops raining, and the biggest rainbow pops out.

A rainbow? Wow! Our ride's here.

- Talk to you later, Kate. - Bye, Warren.

Thanks for the breakfast.

- Have fun at Model U.N., Hil. - You can stop trying so hard.

No one expects you to be a mom.

Just think of yourself more as my Dad's third wife. Bye.

Um, no, that ... that won't work

because his mom is in surgery and I'm preparing a case.

Uh, it's Warren's teacher. She wants me to come in.

Does it have to be today?

I'll go. I'll go.

Please, it'll give me the chance to be like a ...

- you know, uh, like a parent. - But Bert's got orchestra.

No, I'll get Meg to take him. She got a car. A-and a license.

You know what?

My ... my wife is gonna come in, Warren's stepmom.

No, uh... his new stepmom. Yeah, she will be there.

Okay.

- Like this. Like this. - Who's the queen? Who's the queen?

Oh, your mama's the queen.

You're gonna do great.

Oh, I'm gonna do great. Oh, I'm gonna do great.

Oh, gonna do great!

Why don't I just ... I'm gonna hold it.

- Hey. What's up, milf? - Shut up, toolbox.

- Hey, Jackie. - Bert: Hi, Meg!

Kate asked me to take bert to orchestra today.

Oh!

I ... you know, I would do it myself, but my day is nuts.

Crazy. It's cuckoo.

I joined this organic food co-op. It's so great.

I mean, I got 30 zucchinis for 6... bucks.

- Wow. - Yeah, I was like, "what?"

They're like, "yeah." I go, "what?"

Can we ... He all right, I'll see you on Monday.

But in the meantime, just take these with you, okay?

1,000 hugs,

2,000 noseys, 3,000 butterfly kisses.

You know Monday's in three days, right?

Yeah. Okay. Have fun.

Hello? Hi, Ms. Steinberg?

I'm Kate Harrison, Warren's stepmother.

- Oh. - Lovely to meet you.

Oh, my goodness, you're so young.

- You could be a student here. - Oh, so could you.

A student of life, you know?

We're all aging. Great pin.

Uh, thank you.

I'm gonna just... I'm gonna sit.

Yeah.

Brought a notepad.

Diane!

Oh, I didn't think you were coming.

Of course I was coming. Warren's my son.

- Hi, Greta. - Dr. Buckley.

- Where's Peter? - Oh, he's working, so I'm here.

Well, I had to postpone an osteochondral autograft this afternoon,

but you don't see me making a federal case about it.

Oh, well, actually, it is a federal case, so...

he's making about it... what it is about.

- Let's begin, shall we? - Yes.

So, saxophone, that's your thing? I don't know.

I like soccer, I like the solar system, and I like Legos.

I'm saving up my allowance to buy Lego fire station. It's $106.

- How much do you have? - $8.

Good luck with that.

Are you taking me to a bar?

I won't go in.

Relax. I'll be out in two seconds. I'm just gonna pick up my paycheck.

I have to be there by 3:00! If we're late, I don't get to solo!

Kate?

Kate, is that you?

How did it go?

- Jackie, what are you doing here? - Um, just... a little hamster stuff.

What do you mean, an "unusual passage"?

Well, we've been reading Greek mythology.

Oh, yeah, Warren is really into Poseidon, God of the Sea.

Yes, Kate, everybody knows who Poseidon is.

Yes.

Perhaps if you would just read what he wrote.

Okay.

"Poseidon left the sea, where he lived

and came to the island, where she lived.

Poseidon moved in to kiss her. "I'm too old for you," she said,

her breasts heaving like milky grapefruits."

Oh, my god.

Sorry. Please proceed.

"Age ain't nothing but a number," declared Poseidon.

and then, with his agile tongue,

he licked her ankle tattoo until it glistened."