Semi-Pro

- Sexy. - Oh yeah Flint Tropics crowd!

Get it goin'. It feels good doesn't it?

I see some ladies up there who wanna love me sexy.

Jackie Moon soaking up a robust round of applause...

as he finishes up his once-popular song Love Me Sexy.

I'm Dick Pepperfield, joined as always...

by former Tropics forward Lou Redwood.

Yeah I might suit up tonight.

Sometimes I still dream of glory Dick.

Well, sometimes dreams can turn into nightmares, Lou.

What's your problem?

And now the starting lineup...

...for your Flint Michigan Tropics!

At Ball Girl measuring 34-23-34...

she hopes to be an astronaut one day...

I don't think she can do it.

Put your hands together for Melinda!

Go Tropics!

From South Bend Indiana...

this guy has a heart of gold his brother's a retard.

He reads to him and paints him pretty pictures...

Scootsie Doubleday!

Scootsie Doubleday taking the court now.

Yeah his brother is really retarded.

Ronnie Doubleday.

He has all three major kinds of retardation.

This guy is single and disease-free no V.D. at all...

but you could be the lucky girl to give it to him!

Six foot five!

Twiggy Munson!

Of course he's disease-free.

What chick wants to be with a guy that's hung like a twig?

Well that's not true. I've heard a lot of women say...

that they actually prefer a small penis.

Show me one gal who says that and I'll show you a liar.

I'll introduce you to Mrs. Pepperfield later on tonight.

Oh Jesus here we go.

Your man in the middle...

seven foot two...

from a weird country called Lithuania.

He's ugly as shit.

- Vakidis! - Go daddy!

- This fella scares me. - Yeah!

That little kid from the Jackson Five he scares ya too.

Oh mark my words Lou...

there's something creepy about that young man.

Bobby Dee where's Clarence?

- Nobody's heard from him. - Come on Tropics!

Bee Bee!

You're startin'.

From Peoria Illinois...

this guy what can I say about him?

He's got the hottest girl in the world I'm not kiddin'.

Cannons people. Big ol' boobies.

The luckiest man in Flint-- Bee Bee Ellis!

Well, it's true about what they say about Bee Bee's wife.

She has got a tremendous set of boobs.

To me they're too large.

Oh they're perfect.

I don't know they--To me she looks structurally unsound.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for.

At six foot five a solid meaty 215 pounds...

your pregame announcer, your owner, your coach...

your pop-singing sensation, but most importantly...

your power forward...

yours truly, Jackie Moon!

All right!

Jackie Moon always gives himself...

a fantastic introduction.

- Yeah, why not, Dick? - Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

It's his team, his money and his tunnel of beautiful ball girls.

Oh speaking of money Lou did you get paid this week?

No.

You lose weight Father Pat?

Fuck off Jackie.

All right guys huddle up. Vakidis!

What is he doin'? You know what? Fuck it.

Listen I promised these fans a show tonight all right?

Twiggy, if you get a dunk tonight try to break that backboard all right?

- We'll get that on the news. - All right.

Let's bring it in, it's showtime right? Let's get...

Tropical!

Go Tropics!

Right here right here right here!

I don't like it.

Back! Back!

Clear! Yep that feels good. That feels--

- Danny what are ya doin'? - Nothin'. Eatin' nachos.

You get 'em from the concession stand?

- Nah I brought 'em from home. - What? Uh-uh.

No no no no no.

Oh come on!

- What? - Travel!

He brought nachos from home. Tryin' to run a business here.

- You can't call that. - Jackie you gotta dribble...

if you're gonna move.

What are you talkin' about?

- Basketball rules. - Fine.

I got season tickets. I can do whatever the hell I want.

Oh yeah? Well I can do this.

And this.

And that!

Let's go Trops!

We are well underway and the big question Lou--

where is Tropics' leading scorer Clarence "Downtown" Malone?

I agree it's completely unprofessional, Dick.

Lou, can I ask you to please put out your cigarette?

No I like to smoke when I drink.

Hey so don't get all lonely on me now, people.

Come on down to Pet Galaxy.

Whoo!

So you make sure you tell 'em...

Sweet Sugar Dunkerton sent ya.

Hey! I'm open.

Whoo!

Gentlemen what can I get for you?

Hey wasn't that just you?

- There on TV? - You like that don't you?

That's cool huh?

Hey the TV say your name was Sugar Dunkinton.

How come your nametag don't say that?

'Cause I changed it.

"Downtown Funky Stuff" Malone.

- Clarence! - "Downtown".

I ain't never named no son of mine no "Downtown".

Well you know what? I can't hear a damn thing you sayin'.

Mm-hm. Every hear of a clock? It's 7:15.

Shit!

OK Tropics fans it's time to guess today's attendance.

Is it A, 7254...

- B, 8,506-- - Go inside!

...or C, 91 ?

Oh!

Look at that an easy lay-up there for the Nets. That's two points.

I'm thinking of getting one of these Jap cars like a Datsun.

Yeah. Put away the classifieds please, Lou, and let's focus.

All right, fans, let's hear it for "Downtown Funky Stuff" Malone!

Father Pat that guy's gotta check in the game all right?

I got it, I got it.

Downtown wastes no time tagging out Bee Bee Ellis...

and Munson passes him the ball immediately.

Downtown dribbles the ball through his legs--I love it when he does that.

He's making mincemeat of his defender here.

Downtown! If you want it! If you--Only if you want it!

You don't want it I can feel it. You don't want it OK.

That's right Nets.

You're not gonna stop it. Believe me we don't stop it in practice.

- Let's do it! - Come on come on come on!

- Go! - You got it.

He tosses a three--

- And yes! Ha ha ha! - Whoo!

- Wow! That was quite a shot. - Pounce!

- Oh man! - Yeah!

At halftime it's the Nets 62...

Flint Tropics 43.

All right, everybody, let's hear it for Tropical time...

and let's hear it for Busch Bavarian.

If you're gonna drink a beer, you might as well make it Busch Bavarian.

Ladies and gentlemen I want you to welcome this man...

who's gonna attempt the impossible-- the $10,000 free throw...

from the other side of the court. The Moon shot.

- Right on. Ha. - All right. Tell everybody...

- what's your name? - Dukes. Ha ha.

- All right Dukes. - Dukes!

- Dukes where ya from? - Flint, Michigan...

and I never missed a game!

- Whoo! - Go!

Dukes is homegrown.

I think you're on a little somethin' that's homegrown maybe, huh?

- Ha ha ha. - Ha. We're havin' fun.

Dukes what do you do for a livin'?

Um...

nothin' right now.

Layin' low. Playin' it right.

What are you gonna do with all that money if you win? Maybe buy a shirt?

Ha ha. Yeah man a shirt. Ha ha!

- Whoo! - Dukes is excited!

So am I.

Come on let's go people. Let's get it goin'.

Cheer this guy on as he prepares for the impossible.

Well, we've got an especially dirty hippie here...

down on the court tryin' to sink an impossible shot.

This is human drama at its best.

He's just focusing taking a moment to concentrate. That's OK.

Concentrate all you want.