Marriage

This is what happens when we go shopping together.

Oh, it's fine. Just...whatever. They taste the same.

Of course they don't!

Oh, it's just a chicken.

How do they taste different? So let's...

They taste more chicken-y.

Well, they're chickens. Here we go. HE CHUCKLES

Yeah, well, of course they taste more chicken-y. It's...

It's because... Yeah. Well done. ..they're chickens.

Well, you're just ignoring me, so let's...

Oh, my God, I don't bloody ignore you!

I'm the one person on this planet who hangs on your every bloody word.

Sorry.

You're making this about you.

That was painful. It's just a chicken.

I'm not...

I'm not trying to make us buy a fucking Dyson.

What? Nothing.

Aww, don't be boring.

I... It... I just felt like maybe you were judging me

for buying the wrong chicken.

Do I look like the sort of person who judges people?

Yes. That's exactly what you look like.

SHE LAUGHS

All right.

Oh, bloody hell!

An argument about a chicken.

HE CHUCKLES

We're becoming like those terrible old people.

Oh, I've been one of them for years.

MEN AND WOMEN SPEAKING IN RHYTHM: To the side, to the side.

What else? To the side. And around.

Through the middle and... To the side.

To the side. To the side. And around.

Through the middle and... To the side. To the side.

To the side. To the side. And around. Yeah, yeah, get them.

And around, and around. And around, and around.

To the side. Two, three, four. Five. Six. Seven, eight.

Through the midpoint. Two, three, four.

Of a line drawn from the... Left side. Five, six...

OVERLAPPING SPEECH

Partita For 8 Voices No. 1 Allemande by Roomful Of Teeth

No, a really big one.

Tadpole?

Sorry. Sorry... Sorry, love.

THEY CHUCKLE

CAR DOOR SHUTS

CAR DOOR SHUTS

It's a shithole.

Mm.

Yeah, it's a complete fucking shithole.

DOOR OPENS

Hi. Thanks for coming.

You all right, love? Yeah, fine.

Up the stairs, straight ahead. Yep.

Welcome, welcome. In you come.

That's all her stuff on there.

Can I get you a drink of anything?

No, thanks.

How was your journey? Fine.

No, I'm pleased we're having this little break.

Who knows what's really going on?

Women are never actually as simple as they want you to think they are.

Grow up.

Pardon?

Grow up.

With respect, Ian, you have no idea

the kind of shit I've been through.

You treat people like a pig.

That didn't even make sense.

Did you get everything? Yeah.

You got all the stuff on the bed? Yep.

Did you get everything? Yes! DOOR OPENS

I'll call you later.

I didn't need that.

OK, Adam. Your dad was so rude.

Don't manipulate me. He was rude to me. He was vile!

Please. This is my dad.

Did you say something to him?

You didn't, did you?

Did you?

No, of course I didn't.

You shouldn't get involved. I didn't get involved.

So you weren't rude to him, or...?

Were you rude to him?

I didn't say anything.

SCOFFING

You didn't say anything

he might interpret as rude? SIGHS

I didn't say anything.

We have to let her fight her own battles. Yeah, I know.

When was it?

Last Wednesday?

Wednesday night, Thursday morning.

Did you report it?

They filled in some forms.

Yeah.

Scumbags.

So, how was your week?

Yeah. Er, it...

Yeah.

My... My car, er...

HE SOBS

HE SOBS

Jesus Christ.

HE SNIFFLES

Already.

HE CHUCKLES

Ah, yeah.

MUFFLED CHATTER

Morning, team.

Hey. Jamie!

How you feeling?

Fantastic. Always.

Gosh, sounds like you had a bad one.

Oh, it's man flu.

You girls would've sailed through it.

Er, this is Duncan - work experience.

OK.

It's a real pleasure to meet you.

Hello. Hi.

Just a few things from the week.

Absolutely. Yes. Er, take a seat.

Good to hear you're feeling better.

Yes. Thank you.

PHONE VIBRATES

I'll just put this on silent before we start.

Morning.

Morning, love.

You sleep well?

APP CHIMES

Toast?

APP CHIMES

One minute.

APP CHIMES

APP CHIMES

APP CHIMES

Can I get you anything to eat? APP CHIMES

Toast?

APP CHIMES

If you're hungry, there's porridge.

I got you Cheerios. APP CHIMES

APP CHIMES

Or I could make you some toast?

APP CHIMES

APP CHIMES

What bread is it?

APP CHIMES

DOOR BEEPS

INAUDIBLE

And did you mention it to Ian?

And the guys?

One of my problems...

Er, one of my many problems

is that because I'm a leader at work,

I feel the need to be a leader out of work, too.

It's social-normative.

It's actually a really complex thing.

You know, when I was very young,

I had to take a lot of responsibility in the care of my...

I was disappointed in you.

I'm sorry, you were...?

The drugs.

Oh, yeah.

I know. It's a bit silly, with my job, to...

It's morally bankrupt.

It's not silly, it's repellent.

You're rotting your septum.

You're rotting the rest of your nose.

And how do you think your drugs get to you?

How do you think they get to you?

Answer me.

Fucking answer me.

Well, I know this guy...

Do you even think about the little boys you're dragging into gangs?

Does that even cross your mind?

Hundreds of little boys all over the country

whose future's going up your fucking nose?

I'm trying to do quite a bit of work on myself...

Yeah, well, stop the drugs, then.

It's pathetic.

You're like a child. And eating in bed?

Jesus.

You know, you laugh at Ian, but he is a fucking good person.

He... He is.

He is a g-good, good person.

Shall we carry on through the...?

Duncan?

Coffees for everyone.

OK.

And crisps, chocolate, whatever.

Thanks, Emma. Yeah. Thanks.

Will Jamie be OK if I...?

It's none of his fucking business.

Right.

MUFFLED ARGUING

I'll need to bring my pressure washer.

Is it getting bad? Yeah, see the moss?

CLEARS THROAT

Tea?