Hooten & The Lady

_

You were supposed to repay me...

A week ago.

And where do I find you?

In a bar with empty pockets

and no respect for my generosity.

Hold that thought.

Two questions; Are you busy?

And how soon can you get to Bhutan?

Explain Bhutan.

Make it quick.

Something amazing

has come to life. Something of immense value.

Wh-what? Wait, I'm gonna put you on speaker phone.

Hooten!

- No, I... - All right, I've got Alfonso here.

Who?

I've also got Alfonso's nearest and dearest.

Hooten.

- This is Alexandra. She is... - Please, take me off speaker phone.

is a Lady, with a key to untold riches.

Sorry, what?!

Paint them a picture!

I will do no such thing!

Yes... yes, you will.

I bloody well won't!

Do as you're damn well told?

I'm not having a conversation with Mr Rude.

Pretty please? With a cherry on top.

It's an ancient scroll. A scroll

that Buddha himself may have written.

Buddha, Hooten, The Buddha.

The Buddha?

- I... wait one second. Hold on. - What? No, no, I c...

- Hey! - Hi.

- You're ready? - Uh...

What is it this time? Mmh?

Golden Fleece?

Icarus's wings?

- Wanon's ivory commode. - Yes, the third one.

- Where? - Bhutan.

The old girl got around.

This is huge, Ed.

I know. When do you leave?

Uh, hello!

Uh, yeah, I know, I should just... wait!

I just... I wanted to see you before I left.

Women!

I was saying,

You were about to tell me how much this scroll might be worth.

It's always about money with you, isn't it?

Humour me.

Prerefably in Bolivian Bolvianos.

Bolivian what?

Well, obviously if it's what I think it is, then it's... priceless.

Hear that, Alfie?

I can go and get this scroll,

I find a buyer, and I can pay you back.

Double.

- Triple? - What do you think, boys?

Should I trust him?

_

Nice!

Welcome to the land of the thunder dragon!

I take it they like their currys hot.

Hi, sorry. Sorry, this isn't a d...

Relax, that's Hidalgo. He's with me.

He can't speak. He's mute.

Look. He's wanted to see Bhutan.

Heard I was coming, so...

- This isn't a sight-seeing trip. - You won't even know he's here.

So, where we headed?

Up into the moutains to see a parchment.

So make yourself comfortable.

I-I still don't get it.

Since when did the Buddha ever write anything down?

Do you think, you could...

finish what you're doing before we continue having this conversation?

Woman from the museum of Bhutan,

she's convinced the scroll exists, right?

- Yes, she is. - So why call you?

Well, she has evidence that it was...

in a temple somewhere in the mountains, but they can't

locate it.

So they thought that I might be able to help.

When we find this scroll, we get to...

keep it, right?

Deciding what we do with it is the least of our trouble.

You've got to try and find the thing first.

Uh, I was brought up to wash my hands after going to the lavatory.

I was brought up not to pee in my hands.

Why are they all smiling?

Bhutan is the eighth happiest country in the world.

They measure Gross National Happiness, rather than Gross Domestic Product.

Someone swallowed a guide book.

Lady Alexandra!

Hello!

Penny McQuinn!

Oh, delighted to meet you.

Oh!

Now, how was your trip?

Never mind. You're here now.

Who's this fine gent you brought with you?

Uh, firstly, please, call me Alex. Uh, this is Hooten.

And... Hooten's... friend.

Pleasure's all mine.

So when do we get to see this scroll?

Ah, if only it was that simple.

Truth of it is that's... sort of why you're here.

Walk and talk.

Remember the deal.

We get the scroll, find a buyer, we sell it, you go back and pay Alfonso.

No more firing squad, everyone's happy. Okay?

No mas shuti Huti.

Legend has it,

that the Grand Guru came here to build a temple in the mountains.

Until Bhutan embraced modern technology,

it was impossible to prove its existence.

And now you have?

Huh, well. Uh...

I have good news, and bad news. Bad first?

Well, lets's go with the good.

Which is...

I was recently shown a parchment,

supposedly detailing the location of the temple.

- That's incredible! - Which brings us to the bad.

We've used 3D, satellite,

photo-mappings of the areas indicated,

infrared imaging... everything we've got.

Couldn't find a single blessed thing.

Can I see it?

Thought you'd never ask! Now, how are you around old people?

Fine.

Good. Because she's very frail,

and probably doesn't have long to live.

Kapila, would you feel well enough to chat to my friends?

These are the people I told you about,

from the British Museum.

Hello.

When Kapila was in her late teens, she was engaged to be married

to a boy called A.J.

And it was A.J. that found the parchment.

In a clay pot,

in a cave,

up in the mountains.

And the parchment reveals the location of the temple?

It said it did.

But A.J. couldn't translate it at first.

Then he noticed something that he had missed,

he got terribly excited,

said he knew where the temple was,

and raced off the day before the wedding!

No doubt,

he wanted to bring untold riches

back for his true love.

Got a ball park figure on those riches?

Did you... uh, the parchment, you said A.J. saw something.

Do you know what that was?

If I did, I'd be half-way up the mountain myself!

The tragedy is that...

A.J. never came back.

He waits...

in Nirvana.

Kapila believes that the scroll will

give her entry to Nirvana.

So that she and A.J. can finally be together again.

Do you think she'd be willing to show me the parchment now?

Oh, of course!

But it's only polite to spend some time with her first, not rush in.

Like that's the only thing we're interested in.

Even though it is.

How you doing?

You... help me?!

I'll do my damndest.

You. You lost someone.

Yeah, well, haven't we all?

But you still feel the pain.

In there,

inside,

it burns.

When you have no love,

you know that nothing dies.

It just go to another place.

You want to see the parchment?

That my love found?

I'd like that very much.

Drink the tea.

And I will show you.

Here.

If you take it...

you must come back.

Hooten!

I'm so sorry, he's American.

That's racist.

It is not blown out of the candle.

It is the extinction of the flame.

Because days come.

I have given him...

Oh, is she all right?

Kapila has made sure that Mr Hooten will be coming back.