Modern Family

Okay, let's see.

Could you grab me an extra-virgin-

I think one's enough for the sacrifice. Olive oil, Phil.

Come on. That's funny.

Oh, it's funnier than your freestyle sandwich rap.

Girl, you crazy.

I'm mad fun to shop with.

Sweetie, my shoe. Come on. Geez. God.

Hello.

Hi. Oh, roadblock. Sorry.

Beep, beep. Hah, hah. Pardon me.

Are you okay? Oh!

Actually, not okay. Not okay.

Honey. Did you pull from the bottom again?

So after hors d'oeuvres, we'll bring everyone in here to share the news.

We're having the family over tomorrow night...

to tell them we're planning on adopting a new baby.

Yes, and we both agreed to go a little more low-key with the announcement this time.

Okay, just to be clear-This is low-key?

It's a banner and just some light musical accompaniment, Mitchell.

I don't have a lower key.

Besides, this is a happy occasion.

Am I right, Lily? Aren't you excited to get a new baby brother?

No. I hate the baby.

We are having a slight issue...

getting Lily on board with the adoption.

"I hate the baby." "No new baby."

"I want to make the baby dead."

I thought we weren't gonna share that one.

L-I just hope that the problem is she hasn't spent much time with any babies.

So we thought it would be a great idea...

to show her how much fun it'll be to have one around.

Oh, he is so cute. Yeah, and he never cries.

Literally never. It's actually a little weird.

Oh, no, that's not weird. My sister was born with a full set of teeth. Yeah.

That never happened. No? Really?

You should've seen her crib. It looked like beavers lived there.

Oh, is this Lily?

Oh, yes, it is. Hey, honey. Say hi to the baby.

- My daddy! - Oh!

Okay. Well, that's one problem solved.

Bye! See you soon.

Or never.

Cam, I'm a little freaked out about what Lily did.

Oh, please. She barely touched him...

and he went from zero to big crybaby.

We're talking about bringing another child into this house.

How's that gonna work with Lily being so possessive of you?

Why am I hearing an accusatory tone?

Oh, come on. You have to admit that you do coddle her.

I will not apologize for loving our daughter.

I'm not criticizing.

I'm not only criticizing,

but we did talk about giving Lily a little more independence.

Yeah, which is why we put her in preschool.

Yes, but you can't bear to leave her there. You always pick her up early.

That is ridiculous. Okay, okay.

Lily, honey.

Did Daddy pick you up early from preschool today?

- No. - Case closed.

We didn't go.

- Case opened. - We went shopping.

That's enough.

We bought matchy hats.

You are going to your room.

You're both going to her room.

Do we spend a lot of time together? Yes.

Do we have a special bond? Absolutely.

But do I coddle her more than any other loving parent?

Mm-hmm.

It's possible.

And for Lily's sake, I should probably work on that.

No, you calm down!

This is how I talk when somebody accuses my Manny of stealing!

Who is that? It's the principal.

He's saying that Manny stole some girl's locket.

What? You think that all Colombians are criminals...

because the Colombian necktie is a symbol of violence all over the world?

Oh, no, I'm not threatening you.

Okay, apology accepted.

No, I didn't mean anything about the necktie.

I just-I was trying to make a point.

Could you "L" a little less "O-L"?

Don't you see what I'm trying to do here?

Die alone? Girls, dinner!

Why does Luke get his own room and I still have to share with you? I can't take it anymore.

Me either. Even if it is just for one more year, when I leave for college.

Is it one more year, or when you'll leave for college?

Because those happen to be two different things.

Uh-

So I hear this little voice coming from the cans,

and it's like, "Help! I fell in the peaches!"

It's Mom.

Hilarious. So hilarious. I'm, like, "Claire?"

You might want to tell them that it was you who pushed me into the peaches in the first place.

This again. I wasn't even near you.

Yes, you were. You knocked me with the cart.

It was completely your fault.

Well, let's just agree to disagree.

No, I-I disagree to disagree.

Then you agree.

No. No, I don't, because I'm right.

Okay, Claire. You're right.

- As usual. - No, I am right.

Like always. Stop it.

When I am wrong, I admit it.

Which is never.

Fine. Fine.

You're a little jumpy tonight, Manny. Anything wrong? No.

Well, I'm just gonna-Have a seat, kid.

You know, maybe it's me, but I thought you were kind of squirrelly tonight-

you know, before, when your mom was on the phone with the principal.

Almost like you wanted to say something, but you just couldn't.

Anything you want to say now, Manny?

No. I got nothing to say.

You sure about that?

Think real hard.

Could I get a glass of water?

That girl's locket. You took it, didn't you?

Um-Didn't you?

Yes. Yes, I took it. I didn't mean to.

I don't want to hear any excuses.

You're gonna tell your mom, and you're gonna set this right, you understand?

All right, get outta here.

Just one more thing.

You're not, uh-

You're not wearing that locket, are you?

No, of course not. It's a girl's. Why would I want to wear it?

No reason.

Mom, hurry up. I don't want to be late for school.

You didn't tell her, did you?

Ay. What's the hurry this morning?

Okay, what's with the looks? It's like a silent movie in here.

Okay. I was walking behind this girl, Alisha, who was moving away,

and I was working up the courage to get her new address so I can write her.

I express myself a lot better on paper than-Ticktock, kid.

Well, she dropped her locket, and I picked it up, but she kept walking, and I-

You stole the locket.

After I told the principal that you could have never done something like that,

and I threaten him with the Colombian necktie!

Manny, why?

Don't worry. It wasn't 'cause he wanted to wear it.

I thought I could keep it as something to remember her by.

But then you were yelling at Mr. Vickers, and...

I was just too scared to tell you.

Go to the car. I'm really sorry.

Go.

Why would he do something like that?

It's bad enough that he's the boy with the pan? Ute...

and the puffy shirts and-and the poems.

Now he's the jewelry thief.

Might be an upgrade. Ay, Jay, this is not funny.

Those things stick to you.

4, she stole something,

and after that, everybody thinks of her as the girl who steals cars.

She stole a car? Cars.

But after she got that label, what else could she do?

Listen, you can't control what kids think, but you can make sure he learns from this.

You take him to the principal's office.

He owns up to it. He never does it again.

Okay, okay.

But what was he thinking?

This is not even real gold.

No way, Haley! It was my idea! I'm taking this room!

Over my dead body!

This is going to be my room, and there's nothing you can do about it!

Seriously?

What are you guys fighting about?

Okay, so we both think that this would make a totally awesome bedroom.

But only one of us can have it. Don't you think it should be me?

Oh, so not. It should be me, right, Luke?

Why do you guys want to move into the attic?

Oh, you mean the penthouse?

With all the privacy of being on its very own floor?

It is kinda cool.

I'm not an idiot. I knew what they were up to.

But I've been wanting to move for a while.

There's a line of ants going to a trick or treat bag in my closet,

and I don't want to still be there when they get tired of candy.

Good morning, princess. Good morning, Lily.

That's very adorable, Mitchell, but I'm having kind of a rough morning.

Daddy, up.

I'm sorry, Lily. Those days are over.

Now, here's your lunch. Go get your bag.

We will be leaving shortly.

Cam, you don't have to ice her out completely.

Do you think I'm enjoying this?

But I need her to detach from me before the new thing comes,

or who knows what she'll do to it.

Why are you saying "thing" instead of "baby"?

Kill new baby.

Oh.

Um, look, I-I know this is hard,

but I really appreciate what you're doing.

And believe me, I take no pleasure in seeing you suffer like this.

I take a little pleasure.

No, but there are very few parenting issues where I come out on top.

You know, I'm distant. I work too much.

My French braiding is "sloppy."

Finally, you know, something that isn't my fault.