Kate & Leopold

Time.

Time, it has been proposed, is the fourth dimension.

Una' yet, for mortal man, time has no dimension at all.

We are like horses with blinders, seeing only what lies before us.

Hear, hear!

Forever guessing the future...

und fabricating the past.

It's him.

- Brilliant. - Quite right, Your Grace.

How, you ask, can we lift these shackles...

und live not in the moment but in the glorious expanse of time's continuum?

Listen, und I shall tell you.

The secret lies in the enduring power of our achievements.

- Yes! - Our creations!

As the pyramids testify to the Egyptians...

so my glorious erection...

shall represent our culture in perpetuity.

Behold, rising before you...

the greatest erection on the continent.

The greatest erection of the age.

The greatest erection on the planet!

Hold this.

Of course, sire.

For the Hera/of Your Grace. I understand you'll be making an important announcement tonight.

Good afternoon, ladies. Please, excuse me. Please.

Good afternoon.

And the Perrier-jouet should be chilled. You understand? Chilled. Leopold!

Leopold, where have you been?

Leopold!

Otis, I demand explication.

It's half past 5:00. He's not even dressed.

He'll be ready, my lord. I assure you.

I don't want him ready. I want him resplendent!

Miss Blaine.

You dance like a herd of cattle.

You are a rare woman...

who lights up a room...

simply by leaving it.

Might you be rich, Miss Blaine?

You see, whilst I am the third duke...

the little secret of those of us in the royal court...

apart from our general uselessness, is our massive indebtedness.

It's always been your misfortune, Leopold...

that you so thoroughly amuse yourself with the sound of your own voice.

In a life as stagnant as mine, that I can amuse myself at all is an evolutionary marvel.

- Please don't touch that. - The device you were jabbering about-

to take priests to the bell tower.

To take anyone, Uncle, to the floor they so desire.

Buildings continue to climb. Soon they will outstrip the stamina of our legs.

You speak of progress and invention...

yet what I offer you downstairs is reality.

Take a wife. Marry.

Marriage.

Marriage is the promise of eternal love.

As a man of honor I cannot promise eternally what I've never felt momentarily.

Born into privilege, yet perversely ashamed of it.

That is your tragedy.

My God, if my brother could only see you, he'd be heartbroken.

- You are no duke. - Of course I'm not.

The monarchy is dead, Uncle. We are relics. That is reality.

The new royals are men of accomplishment- men like Roebling with his bridge...

Edison with his lamp, Diesel, Bell, Westinghouse.

Those men made themselves from nothing!

You, on the other hand, were born with everything...

and from it, fashioned nothing.

As of tonight...

I wash my hands of you.

Take a good look at your dance card, Leopold.

A wealthy bride is your only surety.

Jones

Your Grace, may I present Miss Tree of the Trees of Schenectady, sir?

Miss Tree.

It's an honor to be making your royal acquaintance, Your Highness.

Shall we?

I've never been to England, but Father's teeth were made there.

He's quite rich, your father?

Oh, yes.

Many dreams, all useless.

Who are you?

No, no, no.

Look here. Really. Please. Wait. No.

I don't want to harm you. Stop. Please.

- Sir? - Wait, wait. Please. Stop! Please!

' Stop! ' LQOPOId!

Pardon me. Pardon me.

Go! Go!

Stop, sir! Please!

Oh, my God.

No!

Let go.

Just let go. it's okay.

You don't understand. Let go!

Don't!

Look. I don't want to hurt you.

- Let go. - Look-

Beth.

What?

I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, you should be.

It's just...

if a guy like that can get a girl like you, what's left for a guy like me?

A guy like that can get a girl like me.

But a girl like me will never love him.

- Are you saying you love me? - It's possible.

Turn it up higher.

Just more. Turn it up higher.

I've never felt so happy.

If you don't know what to write, you can just leave it blank, okay?

It's really just about what you're feeling. All right?

Okay, guy in the Windbreaker right there. Two ladies right in front of him.

I don't know. We're doing the cards now. We'll have the numbers in about half an hour.

- Hey. - Bye.

- How do you think it went? - If I had to guess, mid-60s, Barry.

- Why don't they love it? - She's not likable.

- She's right. - Absolutely.

- We should trim where she sleeps with her boss. - Cut that whole section.

- Reshoot. - Reshoot.

Excuse me. What are you talking about?

The movie, Richard. Your movie.

I'm aware of that. Look. I want to say something.

I thinkjulie is likable- very likable in this picture. And real.

Excuse me. You've never made a mistake in your life?

You have no flaws? You've never slept with the wrong guy?

I'm not the protagonist in a major motion picture.

Let me tell you something. You people, with your tests...

you are sucking the life out of American cinema.

Richard, come on.

It's a comedy, but it's also a drama. It can be about something!

“You people are sucking the life out of American cinema.”

“You people are sucking the life out of American cinema”?

- You think he's got a point though? - What?

Don't you ever think that what we do is a bit crass, cold?

Darci, we find out what regular people think, and we pass on their wisdom.

That's what we do. Is that crass? Is that cold? I don't think so.

We make peanut butter creamier. We make cereal crunchier...

sitcoms funnier, boring movies shorter.

We made Smucker's get the seeds out oftheirjam.

We did that. If you ask me, we're heroes.

Guess it just goes with the territory that every once in a while...

some pompousjerk sticks his head out of his cave and says...

“Hey, I like seeds in myjam. Without seeds, it's just jelly.

You people are sucking the life out of my condiments.”

You know what I say to him? This is what I say, Darci.

You- Baby, you are one percent of one percent.

Your opinion is irrelevant. I went out with a visionary like you for four years...

and I had to pay his rent...

because he couldn't stoop down and get a job like the rest of us?

- He couldn't even do that? - Kate, this is not about Stuart.

Yes, it is! It is about Stuart. It's about anybody who can't face up to reality.

I don't care if it's crass. just give me the numbers.

Give me the bottom line. Give me the truth, straight up, no chaser.

What the-

Oh, no.

Quiet!

Shit.

Ow.

Oh, my God!

We must remember, Bart, that sometimes...

it is okay to color outside the lines.

- Hello? - My PalmPilot- you still have it.

Kate, it's 1:00 in the morning.

And clearly you're awake, so what is the infraction?

Kate, I don't know where your PalmPilot is, and I can't do this now. I'm expecting a call.

Oh, Bart.

I'm sorry, baby.

She is not a happy person.

Goddamn it!

- You know what, Stuart? - Kate.

- Stuart- - Please. I've got somebody here, okay?

- I know. I saw her. - No, you d/dn':

- Yes, I did! - /z"5 a hi/n, ifthatk any consolation to you.

Look. Now that you know I'm not getting laid, just go to bed, okay?

Do not hang up on me, Stuart. Don't do that.

Kate.

Please, I beg of you, something big is happening.

Something... that validates my entire life.

Something that validates your entire life? What could that possibly be?

Are you sitting down?

- Yeand - No, you're not.

- Yes, I am. - No, you're not.

Okay.

I found it.

- What did you find? - The portal.

A crack in the fabric of time.

It was over the East River, just where I said it would be.

- You found the portal? - A portal into April 28, 7876.

ljumped off the Brooklyn Bridge and took a walk in 1876 today.

I followed my great-great-grandpa around old New York.

- Are you listening? - Avidly.

'Cause here's the twist, Kate. Here's the kicker.

What's the kicker?

He followed me home.

- Your great-great-grandfather? - Yes!

- The viscount of Buffalo. - No, he's nota Viscount. He's a duke.

- Viscount- duke of Buffalo. - No, no. The duke ofA/bany.

- Albany in Eng/and - Followed you home through a crack in time.

He's a brilliant engineer. He patented the counterweight pulley.

- He invented the elevator, for Christ sakes. - You know what, Stuart?

I'm not your girlfriend anymore. I haven't been for a whole month now.

- You can tell me the truth. - lam telling you the truth.