S Dnem Rozhdeniya, Lola (С днем рождения, Лола!)

Oh, dear.

He's dead.

Sorry.

I don't know why it didn't work.

The dosage is right, I'm sure.

He must have had some internal complication we didn't know about.

Yes, I kill people occasionally by mistake, I'm sorry.

But we're learning.

You kill people too.

Except when you do it, for some reason, it's fine.

They were just lucky that their last living moments

were spent at your hands.

As they die, they're probably thinking,

"I'm being killed by the great Robert Lessing, what an honour."

We've used chloroform seven times this week.

Only one person has died, this stupid man.

It's not reliable.

Is this one of the bodies I can turn into candles, sir?

No, he's my accountant.

He's a respectable man with a family.

Specifically, an adoring wife called Mary,

who I have to now go and tell her, her husband's died.

I'm sure you can turn him into candles.

Just put something else in the coffin. Yeah.

I use potatoes.

You asked to see me, doctor.

There you are.

If you hang a dead mole around the child's neck,

their teething problems will diminish.

Good day.

Lessing.

I have a patient with a large swelling or bulge in his...

Let us say HER groin area,

which has become very painful.

Does he...

Let us say SHE have pain when she coughs or lifts objects?

Well, she doesn't lift any objects as a rule, but, yes,

when he coughs SHE coughs.

Does this lady have blood in her stool?

Oh, yes, he does.

She does? Yes. They do.

How long have they had this swelling?

15 years. It's only recently become painful.

In which case, it may be that a hernia operation is required

to prevent strangulation of the bowel

and possible perforation.

Will you tell her that?

Yes, yes, I will.

That's an extremely dangerous operation, is it not?

Many risks? That's correct.

The hernia must be repressed and the muscle sewed up.

And the patient could well die.

They could.

The other person he... They...

SHE is considering for the operation is Patrice Dupont,

who performed a number of herniotomies last month,

all with great success.

You should check the patients haven't died subsequently.

Patrice Dupont knows as much about hernia repair

as I do about hot air ballooning.

Have you seen the man at work?

He is by all accounts extraordinary.

Swift, deft, handsome and precise.

He's due to come perform here this week.

Great honour for the hospital.

Well, then maybe this moronic patient you're talking about

should go and be treated by the massively overrated Frenchman,

if that's her inclination.

It's a free country after all.

Stupidity and poor judgment are not yet illegal.

She will choose as she sees fit.

Good day, Mr Lessing.

My love.

You should not call me that. I know.

What are we doing?

Oh, there can be no more wrist kissing.

Kiss my ankle then.

I cannot. We must not.

Oh!

Ah.

Oh!

Caroline, this cannot go on. Oh, I want it to go on.

I'm going to divorce him.

Do not do that, not for me. The shame will be too much.

No, I'm doing it for myself. Run away with me.

No! Yes!

Where would we go?

Hello, Mr Bryant. Welcome back.

Did you feel any pain during that?

No. And that, gentlemen, is due to ether.

It requires careful administration,

but with the correct dosage offers pain-free dental extraction,

better than brandy, mesmerism, or any other boogie.

Thank you.

If any of you wish to buy a version of my inhaler from me,

or be taught the process,

I'd be happy to supply you with the necessaries, for a reasonable fee.

I like you.

I am interested in you.

Hello.

I am... How you say?..impressionne.

Thanks.

With this...

Peut-on regule I'administration de la drogue, du gas?

Yes. Are you from France?

Bah, oui. Bien sur.

My name is Monsieur Dupont.

Enchante.

I am a very great surgeon.

I can help you.

This... C'est la futur.

You can administer chloroform also?

Yes.

Together, we can do des merveilles, you and I.

It's very flattering, Mr Dupont.

The problem is, I already have an established relationship

with a surgeon here called Mr Lessing.

Ah. Hmm.

I think I'm losing my wife.

What makes you think that?

We had another argument last night.

I told her she should not be reading the British Journal of Homeopathy

and she threatened me with divorce.

I realised that I can't lose her.

I'm no good at expressing it, but...

I need her.

She's infuriating and strong-willed and neglectful and rude.

But...I love her deeply.

You love her? Of course I do.

What about all those prostitutes you visit?

I don't.

When I do, I don't do anything with them.

Besides playing with their boobies.

The truth is that

I'm not very...good at...

that.

At those...things.

I think she's having an affair.

Surely not! No. Do you know who with?

I mean, if she is, which I'm sure she's not.

Someone gave her a box of cream buttons.

She's always going off for carriage rides without explanation.

A man can tell.

I have to win her back.

You understand the female mind, don't you?

HER mind? A little.

Do I buy flowers?

Or biscuits?

Do I...?

What do I do?

You really wish to win her back?

Not for pride,

or to avoid social embarrassment,

but because you love her?

Do you love her, Robert?

Because it must seem to her that you don't.

I do, sincerely.

I've just forgotten how to express it.

Then you must remind her why it is she fell in love with you.

Cos I'm brilliant, I suppose.

And good-looking. She's very lucky.

Yes, she is.

But she is also an amazing woman,

do you not think?

She's everything you could want a woman to be.

She's kind, isn't she? Not to me, she's not.

She has wonderful ambitions and dreams.

They're mad. They're not.

I deal with madness, they are passions.

Some of them, yes, unusual,

but...you need to confront her less.

Listen to her.

I knew you'd be good at this. Let me get a pen.

Say more clever things about women.

You should make her feel like

she's the only person in the world you care about,

or want to talk to.

Even though, if you think about it for a moment,

that's clearly not true.

You should touch her with affection.

Not a needing, male touch, but a loving, supportive touch.

Cherish her ankles.

Hmm? You could kiss every part of her.

You need to make her believe in magic.

Show her the stars.

When you're in love, there is beauty in an onion, is there not?

Stars... Kissing... Onion!

It's like having tea with Byron.

Oh, what was the one you said before that?

Listen to her.

Good!

I'll give some of that an attempt.

I'm determined to make this work. Credit to you if I pull it off.

Now...do you want to come with me

to a Patrice Dupont operation at the hospital?

My treat.

I need to check out the competition.

And start a smear campaign.

Here's my ticket.

Move along. Move along, please.