Shrek

"Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

"But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort,

"which could only be broken by love's first kiss.

"She was locked away in a castle

"guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.

"Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

"but none prevailed.

"She waited in the dragon's keep

"in the highest room of the tallest tower,

"for her true love and true love's first kiss."

Like that's ever gonna happen.

What a load of...

- Go! - Go!

I think it's in there. - All right. Let's get it!

Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant.

Now, ogres, they're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

- No! - They'll shave your liver.

Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

- Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back! Back, beast!

Back! I warn ya!

Right.

This is the part where you run away.

And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

All right. This one's full. Take it away!

- Move it along. Come on! Get up! Next!

Give me that! Your flying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

- Get up! Come on! - Twenty pieces.

- Sit down there! - Keep quiet!

This cage is too small.

Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

- Oh, shut up. Next!

- What have you got? - This little, wooden puppet.

I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

Five shillings for the possessed toy.

- Take it away. - Father, please! Don't let them do this!

- Help me! - Next. What have you got?

Well, I've got a talking donkey.

Right. Well, that's good for 10 shillings, if you can prove it.

Oh. Go ahead, little fella.

Well?

Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt!

- That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks!

He does.

I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

- Get her out of my sight. No, no!

I swear! He can talk!

Hey! I can fly!

- He can fly! He can fly!

He can talk!

That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super fly,

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly.

Uh-oh.

Seize him!

After him! He's getting away!

Get him! This way! Turn!

You, there. Ogre!

Aye?

By the order of Lord Farquaad,

I am authorized to place you both under arrest

and transport you to a designated resettlement facility.

Oh, really? You and what army?

Can I say something to you?

Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!

Are you talkin' to me?

- Whoa! - Yes, I was talkin' to you.

Can I tell you that you was great back there? I mean, those guards.

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam!

They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods.

That really made me feel good to see that.

- That's great. Really. - Man, it's good to be free.

Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

But I don't have any friends, and I'm not goin' out there by myself.

Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're a mean, green, fightin' machine.

Together, we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

Oh, wow! That was really scary.

And if you don't mind me ea yin',

if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done,

'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something,

'cause your breath stinks!

Man, you almost burned the hair out of my nose,

just like the time... (MUMBLING)

And then I ate some rotten berries.

I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.

Why are you following me?

I'll tell you why.

'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My problems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta have friends

Stop singing!

It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

Wow.

Only a true friend would be that truly honest.

Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

Uh...

- Really tall? - No! I'm an ogre.

You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks."

Doesn't that bother you?

Nope.

- Really? - Really, really.

Oh.

Man, I like you. What's your name?

Shrek.

Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right.

Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?

That would be my home.

Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator.

It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget.

I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

I like my privacy.

You know, I do, too. That's another thing we have in common.

Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face.

You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave.

Then there's that big, awkward silence, you know.

- Can I stay with you? - What?

Can I stay with you, please?

- Of course! - Really?

- No. - Please! I don't wanna go back there!

You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do.

But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay!

- Please! Please! - Okay! Okay!

- But one night only. - (EXCLAIMING) Thank you!

- What are you... No! No! - This is gonna be fun!

We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles.

Where do I sleep?

Outside!

Oh, well, I guess that's cool.

I mean, I don't know you and you don't know me,

so I guess outside is best, you know.

Here I go.

Good night.

I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know.

By myself, outside.

I'm all alone There's no one here beside me

I thought I told you to stay outside.

I am outside.

Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

- What a lovely bed. - Got ya.

I found some cheese.

Ow!

Awful stuff.

- Is that you, Gorder? - How did you know?

Enough! What are you doing in my house?

Hey!

Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

Huh?

What?

I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre!

What do I have to do to get a little privacy?

Oh, no. Oh, no.

No! No!

What?

- Quit it. - Don't push.

What are you doing in my swamp?

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

Oh, dear.

All right, get out of here. All of you, move it!

Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!