The League

Season's greetings, everyone.

From Kevin and Jenny.

We wanted to take a minute to wish you and your families a

very happy and healthy holiday season.

We have so much to be thankful for.

We have a wonderful, healthy daughter.

Amazing friends.

Ugh! So delusional.

And did we forget to mention that we are both in the playoffs this season?

Here we go.

It seemed to have slipped my mind.

Yes, we are so blessed to have not one, but two teams in the playoffs.

I mean, some homes don't have any.

Andre.

I never should have made that trade with Taco.

And this week's matchup should be a a cakewalk.

Yes. You're going to obliterate Peter.

You are going to kill Rodney.

We'll see about that.

And so, from the first family of fantasy football... To your family at home...

Suck it!

d Good tidings we bring to you and your friends d

d we wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year d

Oh, that is awesome.

- You did that so good, baby. - Good job, princess.

High five! Yes!

You remembered all the words. That was good.

Well, most of the words.

Okay.

Thanks for coming, Pete.

It's never too late to become the godparent I've always wanted to be.

- Really? - Yeah

Has nothing to do with Ellie's very single teacher?

Well, maybe a tiny... Little bit.

Tiny bit? Little bit?

Great job, Ellie.

Right?

Very nice, miss Martin.

Well, thank you very much, Mr. Eckhart.

Are we still good for our after school appointment?

Yes. Our appointment.

We are on.

Chinese food, maybe a movie?

Sure. So, um, can actually talk to you two for a second?

Yeah. Sure.

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, that sounds serious.

That would be my cue.

- Come on, let's head out. - Thank you so much.

So you do guys mind taking a seat for a sec?

Yeah. No.

Sure. Okay.

Great. Uh, we don't sit like that in my class.

Oh, yeah, no.

Turn the chair around, please.

- I don't sit like that in... - Don't want to set a bad example.

No. Right

Okay, so Ellie has had some behavior that has been slightly

- troubling, and, um... - Really?

I had asked her to draw a picture of her hero.

Are you guys friends with a, um, a man named The Flex?

"Cady Williams."

She spelled Williams correctly.

She did. She's an excellent speller.

That's great.

And then also, during lunchtime, students often trade

things out of their lunch boxes, but Ellie seems to be running

these incredibly elaborate, like, three-way trades, and

she's starting to act like a bookie.

Really?

She told one of the other students, summer, to take a ride on her "suck stick."

Frankly, I've never even heard that phrase before.

I've never ridden on anyone's suck stick.

I haven't either.

Do you even know... do you even know what that means?

It could be like a lollipop or a popsicle.

Yeah, like... okay, I think that may be inappropriate.

No, we do not speak like that in our home, not ever.

Never.

Ellie, I want you to meet someone.

This is the elf on the shelf.

Elf on the shelf?

Yeah.

This elf tells Santa who is being naughty and who is being nice.

- Really? - He's watching you, all the time.

So this little budy

he's going to sit right up here and he's going to keep his eye on you.

Okay?

And now I think it's time for you to take a tubbie.

Bath time.

That's bull crap.

What did you say, young lady?

You heard me.

Well, I'm sorry, what's that, Mr. Elf on a the shelf?

You're calling Santa right now?

Uh-oh.

Santa's being phoned.

All right.

Rtop busting my balls.

Where-where did she learn to talk like that?

I knew we were going to have the dick kid, I knew it.

I'm going to get a sympathy card and send it to your house.

Why?

'Cause you're dead.

I'm going to shove my flex player so far down your

throat, you're going to be able to taste it on Monday.

You're in the playoffs now, okay?

And you're going to choke like Tony Romo every year, my friend.

I love this.

- Watching you two argue like this... - Oh, God.

Knowing that I don't even have to participate.

I'm above it.

Are you claiming that you enjoy not being in the playoffs?

I love it.

Really?!

Stress-free.

Had a great season.

You had a terrible season.

Horrible season.

Until you play for the Sacko, which you will, it's as if

you're not in this league at all.

You cease to exist.

I exist.

No, you are fading away like that photograph in 'Back to the Future'.

And until McFly screws Caroline in the city, you're gone.

By the way, Jenny and I got you and Sophia a Christmas present.

Wait, I thought we weren't doing Christmas presents this year.

No no, we do Christmas presents because we're good people.

I don't wanna give you a present, you don't want to give me a present,

why should we do it? Why should we waste out time?

Dude, you haven't even thought about it yet?

That is why you suck at fantasy football

'cause you're spending all year getting people gifts that they hate.

Oh, like you didn't like that Iron Man II replica mask.

- Well, Ruxin, how are you? - Where's Andre?

- Who? - I don't know who you're talking about.

- Who's this douchebag? - Oh, this is Terry,

the anorexic pumpkin we're hanging out with.

How did your date with Lindsey go?

- Man, it was good. - I love that you're going out

with his kid's teacher.

I mean, the woman whose hands are shaping your daughter's future,

are firmly grasping on to Pete's tiny little doner.

In all fairness, ermm, that's not really happening right now.

- What do you mean? - I don't know, man, I mean things are good.

Did you do your funny little joke and then lean in for the kiss?

I leaned in, I got the kiss, and then, hrroooh.

- Stone wall. - Shut down.

She had a kid, like, last year and she keeps telling me that I'm not ready and--

- That means she's not ready. - She just had a kid.

When Sophia had a kid, we didn't have sex for six month.

Baby Jeffrey just... blew the church doors wide open.

Baghdad's not ready for the Olympics, okay?

It's like a warzone down there.

Yes, it's horrible.

You should just send her over to me.

I could hook you up with a vaginal weight specialist.

That's real?

It's a real thing.

It's kind of like working out.

Women do these Kegel exercises with weights that help

strengthen the vaginal wall.

Would there be such a thing as, like, a vaginal strongman?

Step right up and see the strongest vagina in all of Coney Island.

Only a nickel.

Her labia can pull an entire mack truck!

- Ugh, ugh. - Uh-huh, you made this gross.

This was fun, and now you're making it gross.

Oh, from the McArthurs.

Uncle Kevin and aunt Jenny sent us a present that I didn't ask for,

so I have to send them a better present, 'cause I make

more money than them.

What do we got here?

Look at this cool box.

Kevin actually did something nice for daddy.

Oh! Ew!

Oh, oh, gross eggs!

Uncle Kevin just tried to stink out daddy before the playoffs...

get in his head.

And now you're going to learn the most important Ruxin family value... revenge.

Okay?

Milk, chicken... the milk gets rotten, and the chicken gets rancid, and in a

few days, it's going to explode.

And Kevin's house smells like you after you've eaten too many peanuts.

Ta-da! Chicken-milk stink bomb.

Yay! Merry Christmas, Kevin.

Oh, hey, what's going on, Ellie, good to see you.

- Who is this guy that you have here? - This is my elf.

- Oh, what's his name? - Kegel.

- Oh, elf Kegel. - Kegel, the elf.

I wonder what job Kegel the elf has in the North Pole.

- I wonder how Kegel the elf got its name. - What?

- You're a doctor. - You know that came from you.

- This is my fault? - Yes.

Oh, yeah, I snuck into your house late at night and gave her a Kegel color book.

She got it from you. No more foul language.

- I have a clean mouth. - No, you certainly do not.

Look inward, my friends. You have the dirtiest mouth I know,

and you have the second dirtiest mouth I know.

- I do not. - Yes, you do.