Mystery Men

Would you like something sweet ? Oh.

What do we got here, fellas, an antique show ?

All right, boys, fan out!

What a wrinkle fest this is.

Hey, beat it, you broads ! Come on!

All right, sit down and shut up!

We're the Red Eyes. So, everybody, freeze!

Get their valuables, boys. I want watches, wallets, jewelry.

Get me some silver chains. I want wigs. I want toupees.

Keep an eye out for me, will ya ?

Watches ! [ Elderly Man ] No, no, not mine!

Leave me alone ! I'm a veteran!

Oh, no ! Oh, no, not that!

I love crashing parties!

Hey, cake!

[ Continues Laughing, Grunting ]

Pardon me, Fatty. Huh ?

- - If you're going to eat cake, you ought to use a fork.

You might just as well shovel it in.

People who don't close their mouths when they chew...

make me furious.

Ooh.

- One for you. -

- Drat. And for you. -

Come on, come on.

Want a little whipped cream, Mr. Cherry Top ?

[ Red Eye ] Get him. Yeah.

Is that all you got, huh ? Is that all you--

Throw it ! Not today, my vermilion-eyed varlet.

Oh. Blast.

Out of the way!

- -

Yes, this one should stick.

- - Oh, I--

Oh, my ! That's way too tight, man!

It's Captain Amazing!

It's Amazing ! I'm outta here!

C.A., you were, if I may say, amazing.

Yeah ? Yeah. Let's go meet the press.

Boy, he is good.

He is rather ripping, isn't he ?

Boy. The spinning and the hurting and the kicking.

I guarantee you he hogs the credit on this one.

[ Groans ] I think we have to...

at least concede him the assist here, Roy.

No, no. You see ? That's exactly what's holding us back.

Don't put him on the pedestal, put us on the pedestal.

Here he comes.

Bravo and huzzah, Captain. Splendid work, as usual.

No, no, no. No autographs till we finish with the press.

We're not-- Allow me to introduce myself.

Blue Raja, master of silverware, forks a speciality, at your service.

My colleague, the Shoveler. Big fan of your work.

Come on. Yes, and standing rather painfully aside is our cohort, Mr. Furious.

How's it hanging ? [ Captain Amazing ] Oh, so you guys, um--

They're superheroes. Okay. Oh. Well--

We fight crime. Call it what you will. Quite right.

That's great. Just, you know...

keep up the good work.

You as well, sir. You as well.

Did you see-- Did you--

Did you hear that ? " Keep up the good work."

The good work. He's making fun of us.

No, Roy. He saluted us. That was real.

I thought he was sincere. What's up, fellas ?

Hello. Nice to see you. Hello.

I saw the action out there tonight.

What you guys need is a little bit of firepower.

Well-- I'm a weapons designer.

I've got what you need. A-All right. We'll come back.

We'll visit all of you people later. Thank you, sir. No, no, no, no, no.

I-I don't live here. I'm here for the ladies. You know--

Here, take my card.

My name's Heller. Say it with me.

Heller.

All right. Thank you.

Good night. I don't know why you encourage those people.

Those people look up to us, Roy. Oh, that's true.

You know the drill. Please sign my hat, Captain Amazing.

- - Ow.

Herman, give me a flash. [Shutter Clicks, Wheelchair Crashes]

How are you tonight ? Captain, how did you know where to find the Red Eyes ?

Becky, it's... what I do.

Thanks to you, the city's almost crime-free. So what do you do with your free time ?

I wish that I had some free time.

People are saying that you're so "amazing" you're gonna put yourself out of a job.

Have any comments on that ? That's one problem I look forward to.

And is it true that you lost your Pepsi endorsement ?

I hadn't heard that.

Thanks so much for your questions. Thank all of you so much.

Thanks so much for your questions. Thank all of you so much.

You sure, Captain, you have no comments regarding your Pepsi situation ?

Oh, look who we got.

You again. Wanna-bes.

This city already has a superhero.

Perhaps you've heard of him: Captain Amazing. Thank you.

Do yourself a favor, Maguire. Let it go, Roy.

Don't flip my switch tonight.

Oh, yeah ? And what exactly would that do ?

Don't turn around, Roy. Don't do it. Don't do anything.

It's nothing. Don't turn around. Keep walking.

It's not worth it.

I think you know exactly what that would do... checkerhead.

What ?

Don't mess with the volcano, my man.

'Cause I will go Pompeii on your... butt.

Boo!

Oh, my golly. Good grief.

You keep dreaming, wanna-be.

Let's go. Dream on, moron.

I will keep dreaming. I will keep dreaming, my friend.

And when I wake up, you better hope,

you better hope you're asleep.

Don't reengage him, Roy. He's a silly-- Sweet dreams!

He's immature. Lilac.

C.A., I'm doing my best.

Oh, your best ? Uh, quick question: Is this your best ?

- Okay, I realize you're upset. - Victor, I'm positioned.

Okay ? Do you understand what that means-- on a very personal level here--

To know that the companies that make these fine products...

want me to be their spokesperson, their voice ?

I think right now we should focus on the positive.

- Tonight was good. - Yeah ? You think so ?

'Cause I was worried it was, um-- I don't know-- pathetic!

"Amazing triumphs at a nursing home !"

That's great copy, Vic.

Look, I'm a publicist, not a magician.

You want big news, you have to have big fights.

A superhero needs a supervillain and, thanks to you, we've got none left.

- Then get the... Death Man. - Death Man is dead.

- Okay. Father Doom. - Life without parole.

Apocalypta's doing 50 years. Armagezzmo's in exile.

- Baron Von Chaos got the chair. - Really ?

- Casanova Frankenstein is locked up in a nuthouse. - Casanova Frankenstein.

Now, there was a supervillain.

You know, he just--

He's got those eyes, you know ?

I can't do it, but--

And that voice-- Such pure evil.

The battles we used to have. Extraordinary. "Used to."

That's the problem, Captain. " Used to."

[Groaning, Moaning Continue]

[Groaning, Moaning Louder]

Let the record show...

that this parole hearing has officially begun.

We now commence the 17th parole hearing of Casanova Frankenstein.

- Dr. Leek, you may begin. - Thank you.

Gentlemen of the board, the man who sits before you,

the once infamous evil genius, is entirely cured.

- What ? - I give you my word...

that he's of no more danger to the city now... than I am.

This is outrageous. Yes.

Mr. Casanova Frankenstein,

do you have anything to say on your own behalf ?

Blessed disciples of Hippocrates,

my heart is split in two.

It brims...

with such sorrow for my abominable crimes.

And yet...

it swells with love...

for you...

for this sanctuary...

this place of healing.

Within my soul, I feel the choir singing...

Beethoven's immortal "Ode to Joy"...

where all men...

become... brothers.

Am I too late to cast my vote ?

Not at all, Lance. I was just about to remind the board...

that Casanova once had our city in a stranglehold of terror.

Parole is not an option for this man... this monster.

We cannot risk the danger of releasing him.

I could not agree with you more. Excellent.

However, I-- I did just have dinner with an old friend recently.

Maybe you've heard of him ? Captain Amazing.

- Captain Amazing ? - He asked if I would read this.

" Dear members of the board,

"We all know that society cannot exist...

"without absolute justice,

"but society is also built upon... compassion.

" Let us set the tone for the new millennium...

"by making a historic gesture of forgiveness.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you,

" Let us grant Casanova Frankenstein...

a second chance."

With Captain Amazing's recommendation and protection,

I suppose we could consider.

I pronounce you...

Cured.

Hello... Champion City.

Daddy... is home.