Carolina

I'm parked in the back here.

Okay.

Want to just leave your car?

Coffee, Susan, please.

With vanilla.

Good day, Mrs. Mirabeau.

-Ernie. -Carolina.

And, of course, a good day

to the fairy princess herself, Miss Georgia.

How's married life treating you this week, Ernie?

Uh, fine.

Huh?

Fine. Fine.

Mm.

It's another book.

I didn't go through the eighth grade.

My grandbaby here is reading "Anna Karena."

"Anna Karenina."

She jumped in front of a train when her boyfriend left her.

Yeah. Well, Grandma's gotta pee.

I want coffee, please.

No. You're too little.

You have coffee.

Thank you. That'll be all, Susan.

Ow!

Do you know what? You're not a fairy princess.

-You're a fairy bitch! -Yeah?

You're a smart bitch. An ugly smart bitch.

-No one will ever marry you. -I hate you!

I hate you even more!

-Look at my shoes! -So? What do I care?

-You did that on purpose! -No, I didn't!

-Yes, you did! -No!

-Yes! -No! I didn't!

Yes, you did!

Oh, you're a bitch!

Go ahead. Kill each other.

Don't worry about the mess.

I'll hose it down when the killing's over.

Friends. I need some peace.

But you can't leave them with those butcher knives.

They ain't that sharp.

Georgia.

We are not being raised right.

Daddy.

Sweet girls, Daddy's got a surprise for you.

A big surprise.

Is it a puppy?

Meet your new baby sister.

Her name is Maine.

Is her mama dead, too?

No, her mom's in a crazy house in Bangor.

Theodore!

Hi, Mama.

These better be your soiled shorts in here.

-Give me those knives. -

Don't you family-honk me, you son of a bitch!

Leave another child at my doorstep.

Things are gonna be different for you, Maine.

I promise you that.

Thank you for coming in, John.

So, you know how the show works, right?

Yeah. You find me a date.

Right. That is true.

But first you need to tell me what you look for in a woman.

Well, it's like this.

I want to reenact every scene from "9 1/2 Weeks."

You know that movie with Kim Basinger and that guy?

So when I meet my date, I don't want to ever know her name.

Are you following this, Carolina?

Loud and clear, Dave.

-John. -John.

Hey. It's Maine.

Code word "grim."

John, this is my assistant, Snake.

He's gonna take over for just one second, okay?

-How do you know what I want -- -John, it's what I do.

Maine?

Carolina? Love?

Grandma broke my riding crop.

Maine, you said code word "grim."

And why are you speaking in that phony British accent?

Grandma locked herself in the dressing room

and won't come out.

Okay. Tell me.

They advertised a VCR in the paper for $89.

But the sale ended yesterday.

So Grandma said, "That's a crock of shit,"

snapped my riding crop in half,

and locked herself up in the dressing room two hours ago.

Just so you know, you lost your accent on that last part.

Is Georgia with you?

Why, yes. She is.

Georgia, it's Carolina.

Oh. Hey. What's up?

Can't you do something

before this ends up in another police report?

-Maine! -Wait. We have movement.

Get me some toilet paper, honey.

'Cause I gotta go to the bathroom!

$56.90, lady. You win.

I want to experience you.

Who? Me?

Sorry I'm late.

Darling!

Oh! All my wonderful peoples.

Daphne St. Claire is in the building.

Oh!

Ooh. Boychick.

-Nice to see you. -How are you? Nice to see you.

Hello, my dear. Oh, you came.

Would you look at all these people?

They have been camped out for days.

It's like a Pearl Jam concert. And you know why?

No, Albert. Enlighten me.

Daphne's books unlock the mysteries of love.

We're next.

Daphne is an oracle.

What would the oracle say about the mysteries of my love life?

You always pick the wrong guy.

They either dump you or you dump them.

You never get past the third date.

That's not true. I have a fourth date tonight.

Hmm.

Have a nice day.

Oh, wow.

Miss St. Claire, I can't tell you what it means

to finally meet you.

Well, hello, darling.

That's the second bad accent I've heard today.

Who shall I make this out to?

Albert Morris.

I love all your books.

They're just so...

glamorous.

Like you.

Daphne, tell me, how do you write about love so well?

Are you gay?

Not gay. Just a fan.

Oh.

All hearts know about love.

All you have to do is listen.

She was good this time, wasn't she?

She was sober this time.

Your publisher should really hire a better actress

for your next book.

Remember, I want a full report

of the fourth date in the morning.

You have one message.

Hi, Carolina. This is Blake.

Listen. About tonight.

Something came up.

Morning.

Good morning, Carolina.

How was the fourth date?

He canceled.

He dumped you?

Are you all right?

Of course I am.

I forgot about him already.

You should move, Allie.

You can afford a house in Beverly Hills adjacent.

I hear they keep their car stereos

for six months around there.

I like the ambiance here.

The ever-changing graffiti.

The distinct aroma of urine in the air.

Wondering why that helicopter keeps circling over my head.

I like our morning ritual.

It makes me feel like I got a real job.

Have a great day at work.

Yeah. You too.

Take care.

Hi.