Family Guy

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

Previously, on Family Guy...

Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"?

- Right here. - Heh. You win!

- All right! What do I win? - Another beer!

More recently, and better, on Family Guy...

All right, you ready? All right, one, two, three.

Okay, all right.

- Uh, okay. All right. - Easy, easy, easy, easy.

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, stop, stop, stop,

- stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. - What? What? What?

- No, no, no, no. Twist it. - What? I am.

- No. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. - I... I...

Other way, other way, you're twisting it the wrong way.

Even more recently, and not quite as good, on Family Guy...

Jess is going to live!

Brian, did you hear that?

Mm-hmm.

Stewie, I've got to get out of this.

And now, the current, better-than-the-pilot-

but-not-as-good- as-Star-Wars-episode

of Family Guy.

Sorry it took us so long to have dinner together.

Oh, that's okay. You were busy...

being dead.

Did you warn this guy when he married you

he also married your friends?

I love his laugh!

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, Meg, you have to babysit for Stewie Saturday.

- Nope. - Okay. Chris, you have to do it.

What? That's not fair.

- I have a party to go to. - Sorry, Meg found pictures

on your father's computer, and she's blackmailing us.

She can do what she wants till we get some dirt on her.

I didn't know it was supposed to be hard

before I took the picture.

Oh, hey, Peter. Be with you in a sec.

- I'm burning the place down. - You got the bedbugs?

That don't make sense. This isn't the Red Rock Motor Lodge

in Montgomery, Alabama.

Please send the lawsuit to our lawyer,

whose address is below.

That's right, she's also a lawyer.

The mystery deepens.

I don't have bedbugs. I'm burning it down

so I can fake my own death.

Can you throw me that white fur coat

- filled with HoneyBaked hams? - What?

I just... I can't take it, Peter.

I thought I could marry Jess, but it's awful!

I can't live this way!

Hey, relax. You're married now.

You don't have to worry about nothin'.

Everything's done for you.

I mean, I literally don't know where socks come from.

No idea. Do they come from trees?

From bushes? I don't know.

Get a hole in one, new pair shows up

in my drawer, just like that.

Food, too. I chucked the mustard onto the front lawn last week.

That night, back in the fridge.

That would be kind of nice.

Listen, stick with me.

We're gonna have a great adventure,

like the astronaut who thinks the lowest number is three.

And liftoff in five, four,

- three... - Whoa!

- two, one... - Oh.

- liftoff. - Whoa!

This is our spot, Brian.

A place just for married guys like you and me.

Husbands Restaurant?

I've never seen this place before.

- Is it new? - Nope. Been here for 30 years.

You just can't see it until you get married.

Watch. Take your ring off.

- Wow! - Wearing the ring

also makes you wear giant khaki shorts

with a belt and a lot of keys rattling around in the pockets.

You're right!

What are all these keys for?

A series of sheds.

I got a lot of sheds back home.

Oh. You have more than one shed?

'Course. You always need an extra shed.

I even got one shed that just has an extra shed in it.

- You guys talking about sheds? - Hell yes. I love my sheds.

- Me, too. - High five on sheds.

Sheds!

Sheds...

sheds... sheds... sheds...

Are those really Tom Arnold's sweatpants in that frame?

Yep. That's the Husbands wall of heroes.

There are a lot of fat guys here.

Well, yeah, Brian. Every man's true weight

is at least 20 pounds heavier than how they look.

You know how much energy it takes to hold all that in?

You can finally let go.

Just relax. Exhale for once.

Exhale like you never have to attract

a pretty woman ever again.

Wow, that feels amazing.

Now, let's order some food. I'm starving.

Nice to meet you, Starving. I'm Brian.

Oh, looks like they really want me to come to that party.

- We're gonna have to go. - You... you have a pager?

- Yeah. - You get paged?

Yeah, that's how a pager works.

Why don't you just get a phone?

Um, you mean one of your government tracking devices?

No, thanks. I'm using a pager.

"Oh, you're looking at your steps?"

No, the government's watching where you're going.

It's not nap time, Stewie. Wake up.

All right, we're out of here.

Okay, Stewie's going to the party.

- Yeah, but where's Chris going? - I have no idea!

He's completely off the grid!

Damn it! He can't hide forever.

Where are you?

Boy, this really is a high school party.

Complete with the popular kid who's clearly going to die

in a car accident tonight.

Hey, Jagger, can you help out at the soup kitchen

- tomorrow at noon? - Sure. I should be alive then.

Yeah, he gone.

I see we're smoking.

We're not smoking. We're vaping.

- What's the difference? - Smoking is for losers.

Vaping is for douchebags.

Aw. I want to be a douchebag.

Do you own 19 hats?

I only have one, but it's a Stussy hat with a flat brim.

Have a seat.

Whoo-hoo, it's delightful!

Chris! Chris, isn't this cool?

Stewie, don't say my name! There's an Alexa in here!

Sir, we have eyes on Chris.

He's at a douchebag vaping party.

Sooner or later, they all get sloppy.

I got to say, Bri, the guys at Husbands

are a little worried about you.

They said you had four

Scott Peterson fish sandwiches yesterday.

Fireball?

No, because I'm not a Skidmore freshman

at a Lake George share-house.

Or am I?

Man, Skidmore's the best!

You said it, Pete. Race you to the raft?

You're on!

Yeah, let's go!

But the water was too shallow.

Bryce broke his neck and never walked again.

This put an end to off-campus drinking

and lake house rentals.

I was just fine.

I landed on Bryce.

He's starting to smell.

He needs a bath.

He doesn't like baths.

And I see you lost the alcohol argument.

Can't you hear them talking about you?

Yeah. I'm a dog, I can hear everything.

By the way, the Stranger Things monster just farted.

Whew! Must have been that fat chick I ate.

- Time for dinner, guys. - Awesome. I'm starving.

Oh!

Oh...

Holy crap! Brian, you okay?

Keep it down up there!

Holy crap, Hal, what's wrong with you?

You love it.

How does it look, Doc?

I'm sorry to say you have hip dysplasia.

What's that?

I'm not re what dysplasia is, but I do know

you don't often see a "Y" that far up in a word.

I took the liberty of X-raying my own hip

to show you what a normal one looks like.

Why does it look like there's a Batmobile in your colon?

Just keep your eyes on the hips.

So, what's the next step?

I was hoping, whenever the Bat-Signal goes up in the sky,

- this thing will just drive out. - Uh, no. For Brian.

Ah. Well, wouldn't hurt to lose some weight.

And he won't be able to walk until his hip heals.

He'll need someone to take care of him.

I'll take care of him.

Like you took care of me when I was sick.