Underbelly Files: Chopper

He's been shot, stabbed seven times,

had a claw hammer stuck in his nuts, been run over and left for dead

more times than you've all had roots!

If God loves a sinner, he really loves this bloke,

the kid from Carlton, the pride of Pentridge,

Melbourne's own Chopper Read!

Thank you, thank you.

All right. Keep going.

Keep going.

Hello, ladies.

Looking good tonight, eh? Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.

Now, many know me as a bestselling author.

You know, the most widely read in Australia at the time,

thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you.

But, you know, good things didn't always happen to me.

I mean, one of the dumbest cooks in Australia once wanted me dead.

So, yeah. I mean, I should have known better.

Than to wander around Melbourne like a bloody square head.

I tried to join the Army.

You'd be a great soldier.

Well, yes, one would have thought, but I failed the bloody psych test.

I wonder why.

Well, this quack said I had a personality prone to violence.

You'd think they'd want that. You would!

This bloke, he was a mental peanut, you know?

Hey, mate. Hey, mate. How you doing?

Yeah, good. You from around here?

We are indeed, mate.

I got absolutely no idea where I am. You're a bit lost, are ya?

I am a tad lost, yeah. Let me help you out there, mate.

Cheers. I know where I'm going. So...

I'm up here, but I don't know where I actually...

Well... Oh, you're going there? Yeah.

Well, this is where you are here, mate.

You got a bit of dash about you, haven't you?

Oi! Girls, piss off.

Seen these before? Yeah.

Why don't you pop them on?

I know them well.

I don't usually put them on myself. Don't you?

Got a nice little spot in the boot.

Party for one, is it? Yeah.

Absolutely.

Plenty of space.

Hope we're going somewhere romantic.

Oh, it's absolutely beautiful. Is it?

A bottle of wine.

You know? All the creature comforts, mate.

Gentle spoon.

Did you try to hit every fucking bump?

Out.

I'm just getting comfy, you know?

How about a pillow, a little blankie?

How about a bullet in the leg?

All right.

There's no need to get narky. Get out.

That way. Move.

It's pretty bloody dark down here. Go on.

I don't want to trip and smash my face.

I just got a modelling contract. What a tragedy.

I'm a big deal in Paris.

You think we could take these off? You know?

Bloody hard work like this.

You're doing all right, just keep digging. You'll be fine.

You're not scared of little old me, are you?

You?

I'm terrified of you.

Come on.

You know, it'll take forever like this.

We'll miss Santa at this rate.

I mean, you'd have a Christmas tree full of presents!

All right.

Throw 'em back, huh?

You happy? Yeah.

Go on.

You know, my mum said I'd amount to nothing.

End up digging ditches.

Look at me now? You was right, Mum.

You happy?

But I've got to tell you, for future reference,

it's a bad manners to make a bloke dig his own grave.

You know?

Just because you're going to kill me, there's no excuse for bad manners.

Right?

You really are a tough bastard, aren't you?

Shit. It's rock.

I'm gonna have to start over. I can't finish it like this.

My leg!

You know, Graham was never found.

I started looking for the bloke who hired that donkey to kill me.

I only knew that everyone hated me.

I mean, hated me!

The cops, the Carlton Crew, Painters' and Dockers'.

You know? I was as popular as a pork chop in a synagogue.

I did have a idea who might have set this up.

Alphonse Gangitano. Remember him?

The Black Prince. What a joke.

I mean, he was a totally spineless turd.

A bloody turd and a smelly one at that.

Eh?

Chopper. Had no idea you liked poker.

I thought it was all a little bit too complicated for you.

I saw you more as the 'Go Fish' type of player.

He works with this numbnut, you know that, right?

Oh, fuck off, Chopper.

Don't swear in front of the ladies.

Didn't your mum teach you manners?

Is he still using the double eyeblink?

Is he?

That's how Alphie gets Mr Moran to raise here

when he's got a good hand. Have you noticed?

A bet you went a bit early. You got your hopes up.

Don't listen to him. Now piss off, Chopper!

Not yet, Lewis.

See, somebody tried to kill me.

I've been racking my nut trying to work out who it was.

Who'd you rob lately, eh? They'd be lining up to kill you.

Was it you? No.

See, I got this feeling in my water.

Get him the fuck out of here now. Out!

Oh, you're not allowed to smoke? I'm sorry, very sorry,

let me put it out.

Hello, boys!

That feels nice. Yeah.

Did you send that guy to kill me?

No, I didn't. Get him out of here.

And stick it up his arse.

Dickhead.

All right, all right, yeah, I was out of line.

Leave him, leave him, get back in here.

You're not welcome here, Mark. Do not come back, you understand?

Yeah, yeah. I copy that, Alfie.

Dickhead.

What the...?

Chopper, what are ya, fucking crazy?

Eh?

Put the money in the bag. Eh? Eh?

What have you got that in your hand for?

If I had it in my pocket, you couldn't see it.

Tick, tick, tick. Fuse is burning...

It's not real. You would never...

Never, say never, Alphie.

Money, now. Put it out.

Put it our, all right? Please, put it out.

I didn't set you up to get killed.

Who did?

Take the money, take the fucking money and go.

Take it, go. Go! Fuck off.

Take the money and fuck off. Hot potato.

That's bullshit. That never happened, Chop.

Mate, I'm trying to teach you something here.

The truth.

Maybe I got too many of the electric shocks so many times

as a kiddie I don't know what the truth is.

But come on!

I don't let that get in the way of a good yarn.

Eh?

Bang bang. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but if it's not true...

This is true.

You're a dickhead.

OK, All right, maybe blowing up the club

was a bit of a dramatic licence but I did steal

a couple of thousand from Alphonse

and he was about to have little kittens.

Put it out. I know who set you up,

I'll tell you.

Christ.

A bloke called Donovan.

He organised the hit.

Did you think I wouldn't find you?

What was that?

Do I know you?

Didn't think so.

So I'm a little confused, why do you want to kill me?

What did I ever do to you?

Nothing.

I was just paid to find someone to kill you.

Yeah?

Have you got any of that cash left?

No?

That is too bad.

See, usually I do this sort of thing to get money.

But in the present situation, you're broke, it seems.

And you got nothing against me, right?

No.

And I've got nothing against you.