2 Broke Girls

Care for a cupcake?

Well, our new outdoor seating area

is about as popular as Paula Deen at an NBA game.

How much longer do we have to be out here?

We are cold.

So, so cold.

I can see my breath.

And my boys are up by my rib cage.

I can smell his breath.

And my boys are up by where my boys used to be.

And these customers aren't helping.

How could we have thought a strong Han presence

would make it more popular?

Max, in hindsight,

it feels like us not springing for those heat lamps

was a bad call.

Uh, you think?

Guys, I just peed a little to keep warm.

Well, I peed a little

'cause I had no choice.

Great, they're stuck to the bench.

Go get the windshield scraper.

Reading Us Weekly, Earl?

Ooh, "Stars. They're just like us."

Well, if they're just like us, where's the picture

of them turning their underwear inside out?

Caroline left it in the men's room.

And as I said that out loud,

I realized that I must have been in the ladies' room.

I can't see, Max.

Max, I've got some exciting news!

Eh, I vowed I'd never get excited about anything again

after that last Indiana Jones.

I found us two discount heat lamps on Sherry's list.

It's like Craigslist, but without the high probability

of being murdered by a deranged medical student.

And about those lamps?

Uh, no.

We can't worry about our outdoor business.

We barely have an indoor business.

And we never will, with that attitude.

I'm gonna ask you one more time:

please listen to those Tony Robbins tapes

we found in the garbage.

Well, girls,

tomorrow's the day I've been looking forward to

for three years.

You're getting your teeth cleaned?

Sorry, that's what's we've been looking forward to.

I'm moving in with Sophie.

From now on, the booty call is coming from inside the house.

I couldn't help but overhear.

From way back there?

Your ears should give a pep talk to the other parts of your body.

And, Oleg, if you need any help with the move,

might I offer my services?

My trainer Skylar says I'm getting ripped.

Yeah, ripped off by Skylar.

Thanks, Han.

And as a bit of a payback,

I'll wash my hands back here tonight.

See you later, neighbors.

Oleg's moving in?

This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

And I lost $2 billion.

What is the problem? This is all good news.

Sophie an Oleg are in love.

Yeah!

And they'll be in love

on our stairs,

in our hallway,

and on every surface of the laundry room.

What do you know about love anyway, Christian Single?

I know Jesus has a girl for me.

He has to.

I'm $400 deep into that damn website.

Look, we just make a pact

that no matter what happens upstairs,

or on the stairs or in the laundry room,

we don't invite it into our apartment.

Hey, everybody!

Oh! Brr!

It's raining cats and goats out there.

Don't you mean "cats and dogs"?

Oh, it's so nice to be corrected as you walk in the door.

Hey, baby.

Can you believe in 24 hours we'll be living in sin?

Oh, don't worry.

My parents don't know.

I'm having a dinner party tomorrow night to celebrate.

And also because I have 15 pounds of beef

that's about to go bad.

So, Max, Caroline, are you in?

Actually, Sophie, we're busy...

We'll be there.

If there's beef involved, I'm involved.

What happened to the pact we just made?

I hate to tell you this...

if it comes down to you or beef,

I'm always going beef.

That was Sherry from Sherry's list.

She makes you call her that.

She said she's consider charging us $150

if we pick up the heat lamps themselves.

And I'm charging you with three counts of interrupting

this "Baby in a Faulty High Chair" video.

Someone fell in real life!

You told me you had it.

I said I didn't have it.

It's Oleg and Han moving in.

Get away from the door!

Han will see your feet under the door.

They're right at his eye level.

This is like a horror movie... Saw III.

Because when Han bent over,

I saw 3 inches of his crack.

So you saw his whole crack?

Step away!

Open the door, Max.

I'm about to kill Han,

and I know you're gonna want to see that.

Damn it! He's right.

Cute outfit, Han.

Like one of those male strippers

from "No Thunder From Down Under."

This is so heavy.

Oleg, what do you have in here?

Socks!

Really, Han,

It's like your arms are only there for decoration.

To be fair, Oleg's socks

probably have some pretty heavy loads in them.

Oleg, what is all your junk doing out here?

Do I actually smell girls screaming?

I bring things up, Sophie says "No,"

I bring them right back down.

Is there no elevator up in this bitch?

Oleg, you forgot your painting,

and this one's a definite "No."

Sophie, I haven't gotten a "Yes" yet,

aside from the quickie we had up against the bathroom sink.

Not such a quickie.

They locked me out and I had to eat my lunch in the truck.

Then what was the point of me renting a moving truck?

I mean, besides the rough sex we had up against the sides?

They locked me outside on the side of the road for that one.

Okay, well, we have to go back in.

See you tonight at the beef-a-thon.

No, Oleg.

Maybe I'm being unfair.

I mean, you have all this stuff that you like,

and they have an apartment.

Put it in there.

Sophie!

I'll see you at 8:00!

So what do you say, girls?

Absolutely not...

Yes.

Max, there's a method to my madness.

Oleg, will you excuse us a second?

And maybe help Han with that box.

In those shorts, I can actually see a hernia happening.

I thought we weren't getting involved!

If we help Oleg out,

he'll let us use the moving truck

to pick up our heat lamps.

I already said "No" to those.

But we just talked about it!

I wasn't listening!

That baby fell face-down into mashed potatoes.

But you said "Yes" to the dinner party,

so if you get your meat, I get my heat.

Just because you rhyme doesn't make it okay.

And I'm pretty sure that's what Rihanna said to Chris Brown.

Where are we meeting this chick with the heat lamps?

I haven't gone this far for something I didn't want

since Planned Parenthood moved to New Jersey.

Hello!

I'm getting truck sick back here.

You're a worse driver than people assume I am.

Come on! Come on!

We're gonna be late to dinner!

Would any of you be interested in playing

rock-paper-scissors for a seat up front?

No!

Girls, can I ask you a relationship question?

No!

And besides, what would we know about relationships?

That's like asking Donald Trump

for the name of a good hairstylist.

I mean, what's the deal with her?

She asks me to move in,

and then won't even let me have my painting?

I mean, Sophie already bought the cow.

She might as well let the cow's crap in.

So you're saying I'm right.

No, no, but I do think...

No, you don't think,

or your mouth wouldn't be moving right now.

I'm just saying,