The Women

Get that thing away. Has that ugly mutt had its shots?

Go for the shoes, bad shoes. Last season's markdowns.

Oh, I never.

It's okay, sweetie.

There's a word for a woman like that.

And it's rarely used outside a kennel.

Okay, puppy, five minutes to shop the first floor. Go.

Here? That's right.

Do you know about that list?

No. - It's like that, but you know, I...

Oh, I need some blush.

Girl, I gotta be...

Complimentary sampler of our new cream with any $25 purchase.

How about you?

Would you like to get a facelift in a jar?

This is my face, deal with it.

Hey, Sylvie.

I'm looking at a woman right now who should be in my magazine.

Caption: "There's a fine line between an outfit and a getup."

Heh, heh. Where are you right now? You're not shopping, are you?

Of course, I deserve it.

I was in my office at 6 this morning.

I love Saturdays at the office, no one there to distract me.

Hey, shouldn't you be on your way here right now?

What time is it, anyway?

Mary, what are you doing?

Are you having sex?

Would I be on the phone with you?

Don't answer that.

I'm on my way upstairs for a manicure.

What time is your little do today?

Oh, for the third time, 12:30, okay?

And do not be late, Sylvie, I need you here.

Please, when am I ever late?

- Ha. - I'll see you 12:30-ish?

No, no, no "ish."

No "ish."

Hi, welcome to Saks. Would you like to try...?

- Hello, Ms. Fowler, how have you been? - Aretha needs water.

Sparkling or still?

Whatever. She drinks out of the toilet.

Tanya's ready for you, Ms. Fowler.

Are you Tanya? - Yeah, that's me. Have a seat.

That's your name? Or are you really Susie from Brooklyn?

If it's a long story, don't tell me, I'm in a hurry.

I was born Eileen, if you wanna know the truth.

I went to this numerologist who said...

to change my life, I should change my name.

I was working at Mr. Ronnie's on Astoria Boulevard. Do you know it?

I don't get out to Queens as much as I'd like.

The day I changed my name, a limousine pulls up in front of the shop.

You're never gonna believe who gets out. Madonna.

- I have to be at a luncheon at 1. - Anyway, I can't believe it.

I look at her nails, thinking, "What kind of butcher did this?"

So I gave her a manicure like she's never had in this life.

Switch.

I use my own polish.

I mix my own colors. I have a gift.

The luncheon's in Connecticut. That's a whole other state.

I put Jungle Red on her. I'll never forget it.

Next thing, Saks is calling me saying Madonna's raving about my manicure...

and do I want a job.

- So you wanna try my Jungle Red? - Hmm. Not bad.

I put this on one of the girls behind the perfume counter.

She just moved to town, bang, she's having an affair with a married man.

Who isn't? If you can't speed this up, I'm gonna have to come back.

- What's your Wednesday like? - Oh, I'll check.

The married-man thing is tricky, isn't it? Especially when the guy's well-known.

He's some big hoo-hah on Wall Street.

I can never remember that guy's name. Everybody knows him.

Wednesday, Wednesday... Haines.

That's it, something Haines.

It wouldn't, by any chance, be Stephen Haines, would it?

Uh, yeah, that's it.

Wednesday, 11 or 2?

You know, Wednesday isn't good.

I think I'd better get this taken care of now.

Oh, great, okay.

So you're telling me that Stephen Haines is having an affair with a salesgirl?

What do you think that's all about?

If you ever saw Crystal Allen, you wouldn't have to ask.

Yes, buzz, buzz, I hear you.

I swear to God, it scares me to come here.

I'll be a few minutes.

I parked on 78th Street in front of a vacuum-cleaner store.

Don't let me forget.

- Why would you forget? - I just heard something, Edie.

It was very disturbing.

I don't know, I almost rear-ended somebody on the way here.

April, give Mommy her hat.

May, teach June how to braid her hair like Mommy taught you.

And, hello, don't we say hi to Aunt Sylvie?

Hi, kids. No way.

I don't want to.

They love you, they love you. She scares me.

Dora, I'm getting ready to leave.

I have a splitting headache. You have aspirin?

Sylvie, what did you hear? Where is my purse?

Come here, June.

- Wait, what's that supposed to be? - Oh, I'm painting now.

Painting? Wait, what about the pottery thing?

Weren't you taking some puppet-making class?

Let me tell you something.

Weird crowd of people, the puppet people.

I'd go insane living here. I don't know how Alan does it.

Oh, Alan moved out.

Whoa, what?

Oh, it's okay.

He's down in a studio on the eighth floor.

I thought he could use a little space.

- Dora! - Let's just go, I can't focus.

Dora? - Will you drive?

Sylvie, whatever you heard, if it's about anybody we know...

don't tell me, I mean it.

Of course I won't tell you. It's too personal.

It's about someone we know, isn't it?

Mrs. Edie, we're running low on breast milk.

Oh, I have the pump in my bag.

It plugs into the cigarette lighter in the car.

Well, forget it, you're not driving.

How are you today, little Miss January? How are you?

Forget it, let's go.

Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, sit, stay, lay down.

Hey, Maggie, did you remember to polish the silver for the, uh...?

- Lunch? - Yes, lunch.

Yeah, yes, ma'am. Oh, boy.

How did it get to be noon?

I have 60 women on their way here for lunch.

I haven't even showered.

Did you remember to pick up my dry-cleaning?

Yes, I remembered to pick up your dry-cleaning.

What is wrong with this picture?

How lovely. Thank you.

Okay, dog, clean.

Bread, flowers and... Oh.

Hey, um, do you know where the thing that I made with the whatsits around the edge?

- Bowl with the freesias. - Yeah, where is that?

Right in front of you.

Oh, yeah, I think the tortellini will fit in that.

- What do you think, Uta? - Oh, look at this.

The face of the Virgin Mary appeared on a rag at a car wash in Los Angeles.

It's hard to believe that you were born in a country that hands out the Nobel Prize.

That's Sweden. How many times do I have to tell you?

I'm Danish.

Like the pastry.

- Mom, what's going on? - Hey, honey.

You're supposed to help me with my book report.

Oh, my God, I just completely forgot.

- I'm so sorry. - It's due Monday.

Yes, but today is the luncheon for the park. I'm co-chair.

Which is more important? Some piece of grass or my education?

Molly, I don't know why you save these things till the last minute, honestly.

- Uta can help you with your book report. - That's her job.

Nicole Kidman has cellulite.

Where? Let me see.

Oh. I think they drew that in.

Let's do it... We'll finish it after the lunch.

- No, we can't, I have to finish the... - Sketches.

Sketches which are late.

- Then I've to pick up... - Airline tickets.

Why do you always save these things for the last minute?

Molly Jane Haines, is that any way to talk to your mother?

Chocolate macadamia cookies.

No, that's like five points.

- Since when are you counting calories? - Since I'm fat.

Since you're fat?

Oh, honey, you're not fat, you're perfect.

I'll just do the book report myself.

- Now, go take a shower. - Oh, yeah.

She thinks she's fat.

Oh, your father called.

He wants you to have lunch with him when you come back from your vacation.

My father wants to have lunch with me? Don't remember the last time he wanted to.

He said it was important.

Oh, Maggie, I think I know what this is about.

I think he's getting ready to hand me the business.

- Know how long I've been waiting? - Years, you've been waiting.

- Just years. - Years.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.

Oh. Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, off, off, off.

Molly, how many times have I told you, no dogs on the bed?

Lucy, off. Go on.

- Hey, Mom? - Yeah.

How come you design clothes you wouldn't be caught dead in?

That's what your grandfather manufactures.

Those are his customers, but they're not gonna be mine.

What's this?

That is a travel coffee filter.

Here they come. The population of Salem has just dropped.

All right, all right, keep your Wonderbras on.

It's just a mess now. Who knows if it's gonna come out?

- It's a brand-new Lexus. - It's gonna come out, it's from nature.

Just calm down.

She splattered breast milk all over the dashboard.

Do you have a rag? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, here.

Maggie, Maggie, can you please put this in the refrigerator for me?

I'll put it right next to the 2-percent.

Okay, thank you.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe you're here.