Eddie Pepitone: In Ruins

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together for the bitter Buddha...

Eddie Pepitone!

Yeah!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you!

How 'bout a round of applause

for the comedians who were out here.

How 'bout that?

Round of applause if you thought

Lincoln's death was inevitable.

Round of applause

just because...

No! Just because of the way that played out

with the south and the hatred of the south.

I mean, I saw it coming. Did you?

Round of applause if you thought

Lincoln's death was inevitable.

Round of applause.

Yes, right?

Round of applause

if you cannot access God.

Round of applause.

I... What?

I cannot access God.

What is all this talk lately...

about accessing God through meditation, Pilates...

I have friends who are accessing God.

I cannot access God.

By the way, what I'm doing...

I just thing that comedians who do that kind of vapid,

you know, round of applause bullshit,

I think they should...

I think they should do just more interesting

round of applauses.

You know what I mean? Like, to draw you in.

For instance, round of applause...

if you are caught in a web of lies

so intricate...

with your wife,

that one small mistake on Facebook...

one small liking someone who shouldn't be liked...

just a tiny photo-like

and your life comes down like a house of cards.

Round of applause. Round of applause.

And round of applause

if that anxiety

manifests itself

late at night

when you have your sleep apnea mask on...

This is also the comic

who doesn't realize he's talking about himself.

He thinks he's relating to you...

Like, he's being too damn specific.

You know, but, round of applause

if that anxiety,

if it manifests when you have your sleep apnea mask...

And by the way, your sleep apnea mask

has a Spider-man decal on it

because you think that makes sleep apnea cool.

Round of applause.

But, round of applause

if the anxiety is too much.

I mean, it's just too fucking much.

Round of applause if you're sick of being

a good fucking person

all the fucking time.

And...

the fucking... the leaders...

And round of applause...

the leaders and the people who rule the country...

The allegarts, they have no moral center,

why do I have to... I mean, you...

Round of applause...

Why do I... I am sorry.

Round of applause if you're sick

of having a moral center

when everything around you doesn't have a moral center,

everything around you is just for greed and profit,

but you're supposed to get up and be

Mister Goody-fucking two shoes!

Round of applause.

Round of applause if you...

Round of applause if you think Brooklyn

which is where we are...

And this is for the viewers.

You know where you are... Most of you...

But round of applause if you think Brooklyn

has gotten too soft

with grilled cheese shops

and peanut butter shops.

They...

What kind of burrow is this

where you could get grilled cheese...

Grilled cheese sandwiches,

maybe people in Brooklyn should start thinking

instead of eating grilled cheese sandwiches

and specialty peanut butters,

maybe they should start organizing

for lower fucking rents.

I mean...

They're all so wrapped up in grilled cheese...

and cinnamon swirl raisin peanut butter...

Which is delicious...

I will not deny that. I had some today.

But I go into these stores

with a tremendous alert consciousness

And where are the...

Where are the Doo-Wop groups in Brooklyn?

They used to be...

they used to be on every fucking corner.

Have they been rounded up and put in camps?

Where are the Doo-Wop groups?

That's the Brooklyn I remember.

Round of applause if that's the Brooklyn...

I'm feeling, a little hot already.

Yes, I know.

And now that you've seen the whole package...

I wanna answer the question

that you're all thinking

and the answer is "yes"

I have had a lot of work done.

I had my hair removed

and my belly let out, because I was too pretty.

I was too pretty.

No! I was a male model.

I was a male model.

I would leave the house with a to do list

and I couldn't get anything done,

because men, women, and children and animals

would lunge at my cock... They would lunge at my cock

as soon as I left the house they would be like,

"Eddie, fuck me! Fuck me, Eddi!

Fuck me! Please fuck me!"

I would say, "Look at the to do list.

I've gotta pick up printing paper.

I've gotta prick up... Pick up printing paper

and get twine for the recyclable."

They didn't care.

They were like, "Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me!"

So in order to get things done,

I said to a dermatologist in I.A, I said,

"Please, make me look like you people, basically."

I was like,

"I wanna feel what it's like to cry during the day

like you folks do."

Because male models,

we do not cry during the day.

We just fuck and we fuck and we fuck,

and then we are given small monogrammed sweaters.

By the way, I, I do rant and rave,

but I just got this hat and I...

I actually... I actually feel really good about it.

I mean, did you...

did you ever buy a hat

where you like it so much, like, you look in the mirror

and you're like, "Holy shit.

This hat kinda makes up

for a life that wasn't well-lived."

Yes, I spent 30 years

in a stoned-out phase

masturbating to hockey fights...

but that's because I did not have...

this fucking hat.

And by the way, I masturbate to hockey fights

because they are unpredictable.

I do not like porn. It's very predictable.

And by the way,

what is it with my relationship to porn?

The only way now I can watch porn

is if someone's life is threatened in the scenario.

How numb am I... by the way,

I heard you not laughing a lot there.

And it's up to you whether or not you wanna laugh,

but I am dedicating this set.

I just visited a hospital in the neighborhood,

and I'm dedicating this set

to a small, small child

who, little Billy Timson,

who was born with no bones.

He's just a liquid... He's a liquid

with a little Met cap.

He's a liquid in a bag with a little Met cap...

He's a puddle in a bag with a Met cap.

And you know how the Mets...

well, the last 40 years...

I mean, since,

since Tom Seaver, really.

I mean...

and he managed to squeak out to me.

Before I left the hospital he said,

"M-make 'em laugh.

I-I...

I... "I... He, he...

I don't know how he makes a voice,

but it's just through the liquid...

vibrations hit the Met cap and there is sound.

And he was like, "I know it's,

it's a very tense television taping for you,