Bert Kreischer: Razzle Dazzle

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage Bert Kreischer!

Yes!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Yes.

You look beautiful, sir.

Thank you. Thank you.

I look beautiful. Thank you, sir.

This is the skinniest fat I've ever been.

Yeah, yeah. I know, I know.

I'm so fat, when I jog, my ass hairs tie in a knot.

Yeah. You don't even know it's happening. It's really a treat.

Get in the shower, get a handful of soap, give yourself a little credit card action.

And you get denied.

I'm talking rope, ladies.

Ass cheek to ass cheek.

Usually it comes free. Most hairy men and...

some Italian women will tell you that.

You just put your finger on top until you're free.

Like when you sleep in a braid. Same thing.

One time, I was on vacation, and it wouldn't come free.

Like, I'm the shower tugging.

And I'm panicking too, because I got to take a shit.

If we don't do something, I'm gonna have a Play-Doh factory there.

So I get out of the shower.

I grab my pocket knife. I walk over to my wife.

I go, "I need to know if you're on my team or off my team."

She's like, "I'm on your team."

My wife's a redneck. I should have told you that.

On our marriage application, in her hometown,

third question: "Are you blood relatives?"

I go, "What do we put for three?"

The lady goes, "Well, is you?"

I go, "I don't think we is."

"Then put you ain't."

"I'm not writing 'ain't.' That means we is." So...

I hand my wife the pocket knife, and I go, "We have a problem."

I turn around, show her the affected area.

And she says, "Why did you do that?"

Fantastic question, LeeAnn. You know...

I figured, we're on vacation.

Lady by the pool's like, "Braid your hair. Braid you hair."

"I didn't do this on purpose, fuck nut."

"Now get to cutting, Sweeney Todd. I'm cresting down here."

She's like, "I ain't doing that."

I was like, "Hate to break your heart, redneck. I think you is."

"As a matter of fact,

you're the only person on this island that will be cutting these ass hairs."

I can't call the front desk and be like, "Send up a sure-handed boy."

"Better yet, who does your hedges? I like his work."

She goes, "No, I ain't." And she puts the knife down

and turns on the hair dryer as if our conversation's over.

Oh, you want to play games? Let's play fucking games.

I grabbed the knife. I'm still naked, mind you.

I sit down on the bed, facing her.

Lay on my back, kick my feet in the air like a baby getting his diaper changed,

and just go, "Wah!"

"Baby's got a knotty asshole!"

I didn't even hear my daughters walk in the room.

All I heard was, "Oh my God, Dad's vagina!"

Scared the shit outta me!

I hop up naked with a knife like I'm fighting two hookers for my wallet.

LeeAnn doesn't even know what's going on.

She sees the commotion, cuts off the hair dryer, and goes,

"Fine, give me the knife. I'll cut your asshole."

My daughters are shell-shocked. "What the fuck are you two doing?"

They storm out. I get in trouble.

She goes, "You know, heads-up,

you're not supposed to show your daughters your dick."

I was like, "Objection, Amber Heard. That's not what happened."

- Yeah. Walk it back, sister. - Oh!

Yes.

First off, they didn't just see my dick, okay?

That would have been a walk in the park.

They saw all of it. The trilogy. All three stories.

Asshole, dick, and balls. The Middle East!

Secondly, I didn't show them my dick. I wasn't like, "Hey, girls..."

"You almost done your homework?"

"Cool. Meet me in the garage in 15. There's something I want to show you."

They didn't even see good dick either. That's what bothered me.

No, hang on. Hear me out. I'm not saying I want it to be rock-hard,

but, like...

...pretty hard.

You can't send your daughters to college

thinking their dad's got the smallest dick.

First time they get a guy and they're like, "Now, that's a cock."

"Shit!"

"Yeah, my dad has a penis. That's a cock."

"You could whip that out at a party. My dad's got something you show a nurse."

They saw belly dick.

Just sitting there, defenseless, just...

Looks like a whale breaching. Just...

Can't tell where it starts, but you know where it stops.

Looks like a little boy looking in a well. "What's going on in here?"

What the fuck, I saw my dad naked.

A lot.

A lot...

One time, he got in the shower with me. I was taking too long. He had work.

I was in ninth grade.

Yeah, I panicked and did the old Buffalo Bill

from Silence of the Lambs, just...

I saw my mom naked. Not a lot, but enough.

Enough that the first time I got a chick naked,

I was like, "Where's your C-section scar?"

My wife's honest with them.

She's honest, 100% honest all the time. The other night we're at dinner.

I'm three drinks in. The girls go, "You guys ever done drugs?"

I'm like, "What are you, fucking cops?"

She just goes, "Yeah."

"What the fuck you doing?" She goes, "You got to be honest with them girls."

"I smoked marijuana a couple of times."

"I didn't like it very much."

"Made me throw up. Never smoked it again."

"But your daddy's done cocaine." I go, "What the fuck?"

"I don't think they're looking for recommendations, LeeAnn."

She's like, "Go on, tell 'em. Go on, tell 'em. Tell 'em."

"Tell 'em the truth now."

I was like, "Okay, I tried cocaine...

one time."

"I didn't like it very much."

"It made me throw up. Never did it again."

I hear her fucking laughing.

She goes, "That's a lie. Your daddy's done cocaine a lot."

"Well, your mom lost her virginity at 13. Go ahead, tell them that story. Yeah."

"Yeah. She's a whore!"

And she just leans into me, she goes, "First of all, I was almost 14."

"And shit, ain't nothing to do in my hometown but fuck, fight, and race."

I'm like, "Who did I marry, Ricky Bobby?"

"Sorry I ain't no prude like your daddy. Your daddy's only been with six people."

"And he lost his virginity when he was 17."

I was like, "First, I've been with six women, not people."

And 17's a normal number. But they've already heard 13.

Now they're looking at me, like...

"Were you homeschooled, Dad?"

I'm like, "Thirteen's the fucked-up number in this story."

"Seventeen's normal. I'm so sorry I wasn't molested like your mother."

I didn't spend high school in the back of a pickup truck

in a field all "Next!"

I fucking hate that I love this woman.

My buddy... My buddy sold his company, made a lot of money,

and got rid of his old wife, upgraded.

Twenty-seven years old.

Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah.

He brought her to our house, showing her off. "She can't read at all."

That night, I get in bed with my wife. My old one.

Socks on under the covers.

Sweater on. Bifocals. Reading a magazine.

Gotta lick that dead old dry finger to turn a page.

I was drunk.

I leaned over... This is the relationship I have with my wife, okay?

I just lean over, look at her, and go...

"I wonder what I could upgrade to."

She looks at me and goes,

"I'd like to see you fucking try."

She's all, "You wouldn't know what to do with the floor model."

New car smell with the push-button start.

I said, "Yeah, I've been working with the old beater too long."

Just...

You ever get your wife close to an orgasm and watch it just disappear?

You get her right there...

Then the cat jumps up on the bed. "Are we fucking this bitch?"

You're like, "Goddamn it, Gus Gus, get the fuck out of here."

Here, let me go. One, two, three.

That's how it's done. Jesus, fuck!

I'm fast at sex. I'm so fast, one time I had an orgasm and she laughed.

She goes, "Shit, I don't think you could've gotten AIDS from that one."

Yeah. She's a bully.

A fucking bully. She doesn't give me a blowjob.

Oh, no.

She toys with me.

Grabs my dick.

Stares at me, just, "Oh."

"Oh, oh."

Is this thing on?

Do you know how soul-sucking it is to have to fake laugh

to get your dick sucked?

As a comedian...

I told my buddy Tom this, he goes, "That would break my spirit."

He goes, "Know what I'd do if I was lucky to suck your cock?"

I was like, "Please tell me."

He said, "I'd respect the fact that you're a comedian,

and I would bring you original material every time."

I said, "Like what?"

He didn't flinch. "I'd grab your dick, look you in the eyes,

and go, 'This week, on a very special episode of Man v. Food.'"

"'One man takes one dick to the mouth until it explodes.'"

We cried laughing.

And then one month later, I'm in bed with my wife.

She goes down to give me a blowjob.

I completely forgot the conversation I had with Tom...

...until she...

taps on my dick, and I start laughing hysterically.

She goes, "Finally, you get it." I said, "What?"

She goes, "Get the joke? It's a microphone."

I said, "You thought I didn't get the joke?"

She goes, "You don't laugh." I said, "Because it's not fucking funny."

She goes, "Not funny, why are you laughing now?"

I said, "I'm thinking about Tom."

"He does this better than you."

She's turned my daughters into bullies.