Black Jesus

Somebody broke in to my priceless Oldsmobile

cutlass supreme. My cutlass!

Pop's worried about you, man.

You need to learn how to let some of that stuff go, man.

You gonna mess around and bust a blood vessel or something, man.

My window got busted last night.

Probably some kind of strange initiation for one of his

brainwashed followers. Tonight, you gonna be watching my car.

In order for me to do my job right, I got to sleep in the car.

I let you sleep in my house once.

Smelled like ass for days.

It gets really dangerous here.

This is a community garden, man. Everybody gonna eat.

This lot just became available for rent.

You really gonna extort your boy Jesus Christ, man,

- your lord and savior? - We're agnostic.

- How much? - $600.

You can either have violence with the Mexicans, or

you gonna have violence with me if I don't get my product as promised.

And I'm not gonna be extorted by anybody.

So you decide who you more afraid of... them or me?

Hey, hey, Jesus!

Jesus, come quick Jesus!

Look, I don't know what happened.

I checked them last night. They must've wilted overnight,

- all of them. - All of them?

- All of them. - God damn it, man!

Not right now, Fish. Come on, man.

Miss me with the blasphemy, homey.

Oh, man, I can't believe it, man.

I-I'm dead, man. My mom's gonna kill me.

She gonna blame this all on me. I know it.

I don't understand, man.

I mean, we did everything he said to do.

I told you! I've been telling your ass for

weeks these plants wasn't growing right!

All right, don't trip, don't trip.

Don't panic, y'all. I know what to do.

I'd done seen this before. Y'all know what time it is.

Come on. It's time to pray. Let's bring it on in.

Come on, Tray. Come on, Fish.

Nigga, I ain't trying to pray, man!

- Serious? - Yeah, I'm serious!

God ain't gonna put nothing

you that you can't handle, dawg! So with that being said, we need

to pray, man. Right now ain't the time to be losing faith!

Señor...

Hey, Tray, hook my man up real quick.

Hey, Luis, save me one of them salads, man.

Say, Jesus, man. I don't know, man.

I love you and all, but sometimes with you, it

just ain't worth it, man. You always

talking all this noise about how much God loves us... "pops loves

you, pops gonna look out for you, pops gonna make a way."

And this how he shows his love? Do better on my own, man.

Fish, man, it's just a test, bro.

We still got vegetables though, Fish!

- We still got vegetables, Fish! - Hey, man, what about

my mama's money? Man, these drawers tight.

Something stinks.

Aw, man.

- Fool! - Pendejo.

You got nothing to say today? Hey, watch where you're going, fool!

Enano.

Hola, tenants Como estas.

Hey, check it out. It's Run DMC.

Míralo, trader Jesus's.

Pretty impressive. Now only if there wasn't like a

million other places to buy vegetables, you'd be rich.

Guys, you know why we're here, right?

- Rent's due, mother - $600.

Hey, look, homies.

It's my bad, man. It's on me, man, but we a little

short right now, man. You got to...

Short? How short?

Like him short? I'm 5'8", but that's

- beside the point. - Man, this is my last

- two dollars, man. - I got 12 bucks.

Look, look, look, man. We don't want no trouble.

We don't want no problem about it, man.

We trying to get it together, man.

Please, just bear with me, man. We gonna get it as soon as we

can, man. I promise, brah.

Well, shoot. A promise from Jesus Negro...

that's got to be worth something, right?

You know it is, fool... your eternal salvation.

It don't get no better than that, man.

All your boy needs is like a couple more weeks, man.

Couple weeks, huh? That sounds reasonable.

- What's a couple weeks? - What... what's the catch?

No catch.

It's all love, peace, and jheri curl grease.

Maybe we're just feeling a little, uh, forgiveness.

For real? You bullshitting.

- Serio. - Al rato, Al rato.

See you all later... a couple weeks.

What'd I tell you? God is good, ain't he?

Man, God ain't good, man.

God sucks right now!

Oh, negro of little faith, isn't the miracle

of the forgivin' cholos enough proof to let your disbelieving

ass know that God want this shit to go down, man?

This is ordained, pimp.

Man, what about my mom?

You think she gonna blame you for this?

Jesus, God damn! She gonna blame me!

Look here... you don't trip, 'cause if there's

something to be said, I'm gonna take the heat from Ms. Tudi.

And she gonna listen to me. Ms. Tudi gonna listen to me.

Shut up, Jesus. I already know this is Boonie's

God damn fault. I know because his father was

- always shit up, too. - We don't know

what went wrong. I mean, every day, we prayed, we

gave the plants the water and nutrients it needed.

You trying to tell me that God can't grow no

goddamn weed plant? Is that what you're saying?

He made heaven and earth, but his only begotten son can't grow

a weed plant to save his life. I can't believe I go to church

every Sunday for this shit.

You about to make a bitch lose her religion.

There's also the cholos.

What about the cholos?

- The rent is due. - Ho-ho!

Whoa, whoa!

I know you not about to ask me for some more money.

I know you ain't about to ask me for some more money!

Ms. Tudi, look, we gonna do whatever we can to

make this right, but right now, we just need a little more time.

And a little more money. Look, now, I'm serious.

- God got a plan for us. - Is that my car?!

What they doing?!

Hey! Hey!

Boonie! Boonie, get your ass back in here.

Boonie!

I'm sorry, Ms. Tudi.

Well, I don't like it.

A garden? There's no telling what they're

doing over there, and if this crazy fool really thinks he's

- Jesus, well... - Jesus?

- Jesus? - Oh, yeah.

He thinks he's Jesus. And so does his little followers

that trail him wherever he go. I'm gonna tell you like this...

that whole garden thing... That's just some Jim Jones cultness.

So what are we gonna do about it?

I'll tell you what I'm doing about it.

Right now, I got one of my best men on it.

Welcome... Maggie, where everybody at?

Don't worry, Jesus.

Look, people are gonna catch on, okay?

Remember... belief, belief, belief.

Welcome and bienvenidos friends and

neighbors to the Compton community garden... our garden,

your garden... where we've been blessed with a variety of fruits

and vegetables for your gastric pleasure.

I'm talking about so much stuff, you ain't got no choice but to

be thankful. All we ask is that you pay what

you can and only take what you need.

Amen?

"Take what you need" don't mean shoplift, Lloyd.

Jesus, I got a bone to pick with you.

Man, give me one of those plots, man, so I can turn my life

around! Come on, man!

- I want to work the land! - Look, Lloyd,

there's a lot of stuff going on right now.

I can't play with you, bro. But here... take this salad,

enjoy it, and tell people about the community garden.

- Thank you. God bless you. - Community garden, my ass.

More like a selfish nigga garden.

Man, you really about an ungrateful mother huh?

And he didn't even say thank you.

Ha! Jesus has his way of handling

- shit, and I got mine. - That's what I'm talking

about, Ms. Tudi! Store-bought guns.

It's about time.

Mom, what the hell are you doing?

Oh, what a surprise! Boonie's scared.

Well, of course you're scared, because you a fat, scared

mother like your father. But I'm gonna tell you

something... I'm not gonna just roll over and let somebody take

what's mine. So you coming whether you scared

or not. Grab the damn gun.

- Come on! Let's go. - Exactly!

We let them damn cholos push us around for too long.

Bring the gun, fat-ass!

We rolling! Boonie! Come on!

Lloyd? Lloyd, pick it up.

Whoo!

What are doing, man?

Hey, Vic, how you doing?

What you doing with the beach cruiser, man?

Oh, this is beautiful. Beautiful.

Whoo! Oh, this is so beautiful.

- What you on, nigga? - I'm on a pink bike.

Look at that.

- You on the pipe, Lloyd? - No.

Look it . Look at it, look at it.

Ah! Look at that!

Nigga done lost his mind.

Hello.

No, I...