House of Lies

Ooh. Stop it! Stop it!

Okay, let's rally.

Previously, on House of Lies:

Who's the best engineer that's ever worked here?

Maya Lindholm. Boom. There it is.

"Gage Cofounders Reunite in Historic Partnership."

Now we just have to get them to officially come to terms.

I have an idea for an app. It's basically Uber,

but with doctors. With doctors.

Kind of brilliant, Kelse.

What if I came on board?

Oh...

I made a solemn vow, like, six months ago not to date

any assholes for a year, so... mark your calendar.

With this Gage account coming in, all this attention,

we're gonna be fucking huge.

When are you gonna rape and pillage my company?

I think I'm gonna stick to raping and pillaging you.

Kiddies.

I want you all to be sure to thank Auntie Denna

for sponsoring our table today.

Thank you, Auntie Denna.

That was a little creepy, but you're welcome.

Hey, uh, any chance of Auntie Denna bidding

on that Aspen ski trip in the silent auction

for destitute little Dougie?

No. That's too far. I get it. I'm sorry.

You know, we should be holding a fundraiser for us.

No. We'll be fine.

As soon as this merger goes through,

we will be back to buying our own caviar

in support of starving children everywhere.

I'm eating for two now, asshole.

Two what?

Hey, Marty, you made it.

And you brought Denna Altshuler.

Wow, I am impressed.

Any chance you'll be donating

some of last year's crude oil earnings to the kids?

Ah, gosh, kind of got that money earmarked

for this giant blood diamond

that caught my eye, but... we'll see.

Jeannie,

wow, you are absolutely glowing.

I'm a bloated sack of meat

stuffed into a cocktail dress, but thank you.

Mom!

You know, I envy you.

Becoming a mother for the very first time.

Wow, your heart is just about to open right up.

It-it makes you selfless

in the most... beautiful ways

you never dreamed possible.

Num num! Hey, sweetheart!

All righty!

Whee!

Good job! There you go. Ew.

Some num nums.

That's nice. Yeah,

it is.

Speaking of selfless, where the fuck is Ellis?

I thought I made it clear I expected his support today.

Oh, you did, you did, and, uh,

I assure you Ellis is

fully supportive.

Well, Ellis saying he supports me

is one thing, but actually

showing up is quite another. Hey, Jeannie, can you...

Yeah, I'm gonna make a phone call right now.

Uh, excuse me.

I hope nothing bad happened to him.

Trust me, it hasn't.

Oh, I'm sure he's on the way.

Awesome. And if things

don't work out with Ellis, maybe you can find me another one

of your prison buddies to partner with.

Okay, Maya.

Wow.

Earth Mother's got fangs.

Nice tits, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just thinking that.

No way around that.

Hey, Ellis, it's Jeannie again.

Please give me a call when you get this.

It's very important. Thanks.

Bye. Anything?

Let me call from your phone.

I guess I did slap him around pretty good.

You think?

Yeah, I, uh, meant to mention that to you.

You do understand that's not

an acceptable parenting technique, right?

Didn't you hear Maya?

My heart is about to open right up.

Plop. Yeah.

Marty, you need to call off your dogs.

Ellis, it's the dog.

Listen, we're all at Maya's charity event.

Yeah, I'm not coming to that.

Kind of swamped with work.

Well, we talked about this.

Maya really wants you here.

And I want to be able to run my company

without her interference, but that's not happening.

I'm letting her come back, so I think I've done enough.

If anything, she's the one who should be

bending over backwards to support my charities.

You don't have any charities.

That's because philanthropy is bullshit.

Ever heard of H.L. Mencken?

He said, "The urge to save humanity

is almost always a false front for the urge to rule."

Ok... oh, listen, Ellis, that's not anything...

No, you listen! I've done enough

Maya ass-kissing for one lifetime.

If anyone's ass here deserves to be kissed, it's mine.

Not her ass.

My ass. Mine!

You know what, your ass is not gonna be kissed, Ellis.

It's not. Do you know why?

Because there is a crisis of confidence at Gage.

Maya is the solution.

Do you have any idea what would happen

if she decides not to go through with this merger?

Your stock prices will plummet,

your board will revolt,

and you will be voted out of your own company.

Because, as much as your fragile fucking ego

hates to admit it,

you've never been more successful

than when the two of you have worked together.

So, please, stop being a pussy,

and put the bullshit of the past behind you, and just get here.

And I promise I won't hit you again.

I'd like to talk to Marty, please.

Subtle.

Hey, hey, buddy.

Marty, what the fuck?

Okay, listen, listen.

That was Jeannie with the bad news.

Now, are you ready for the good news?

Because it is very good.

We are on the verge

of getting everything that you want.

Everything that you deserve.

We just need to keep Maya happy

until those merger papers are signed.

So please, just get down here.

Shake some hands.

Make a big, fat contribution.

And, you know, just do what you do best.

Impress the hell out of everybody.

I'll be there in 20.

Oh, he's-he's coming.

Okay.

Let's just stay positive.

Oh, positive? He's coming!

He's coming! He's coming!

How much more positive can that get?

So I'm gonna start saying numbers,

and you tell me when to stop, all right?

Clyde, I stopped breast-feeding at an appropriate age,

so let's drop it. Of course, of course, of course.

One? Two?

I'm not engaging in this conversation.

Three?

Four? Doug, were you four? I'm not...

I'm not engaging. Five?!

Were you breast-feeding at five years old? Oh, my God.

Of course I wasn't breast-feeding at five.

That's insane. Of course.

So it was four.

Oh, my God! I'm not engaging in this conversation.

I told you that. That is so old.

That's ridiculous. Hey, sorry I'm late.

Flight was delayed. What'd I miss?

Bully just tricked the gullible one

into admitting he breast-fed till he was four.

I'm Kelsey.

Denna.

That's a Chanel dress you're wearing.

Least it used to be.

Okay. Why would you spend thousands

on a dress just to cut holes in it?

I didn't spend thousands. My mother did.

Ah.

This dress really cost thousands?

Fuck.

So, Denna... Okay, Marty.

- Oh, my God. - You're probably wondering what Kelsey is doing here.

Well, as you know, we're exploring the possibility

of a telecommunications venture...

Kelsey's here to help us secure seed money for our start-up. Okay?

Why do you two idiots keep bringing this shit up?

I'm not bringing it up. I could give a fuck. Get out of here.

I got to talk to Denna privately. Go away. Okay.

Put that to bed. Make it faster.

You're not doing it fast enough.

Sure. Sure. Go away.

Okay, I found out something very interesting on this consult.