It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

So Dennis hasn't even seen the apartment yet?

No. No. Yeah, Dennis lost a bet, and I got to redesign

our old apartment. He is gonna flip!

- Ooh. Nice. - Ah. - That's great. I'm just

excited to have my old place back to myself.

And guys, after the grand opening,

we finally get a chance to fire...

...the rocket launcher.

- Ooh. - Yes! - Nice, dude! You got a rocket!

It finally came in the mail, and now we have

- the perfect opportunity to celebrate with it. - Oh.

- Yeah, that will be good. - Fire in the hole.

Guys, guys, guys, listen, listen. There's a girl.

She's coming, okay? There's a girl... Mandy.

Okay, she's here to stay, all right?

And-and-and you guys have to take my lead because

I'm-I'm another guy, so don't address me

- as me because I'm somebody else. - Are we us?

Well, yeah, of course you are.

I don't want to be me. Can I be someone else?

No. You have to be you, okay? All of you are yourselves,

- except for Dee. - Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Are you right-handed, or left-handed? - That won't come up.

- Well, it could come up. - It won't!

Okay. I'm gonna go with left then.

- I'll go with left. - Cool. Left.

Let's go with the hand that I am, for Christ's sakes.

Hey! Mandy. Hi.

Hey. Ooh.

Why'd you run up ahead of me there, Brian?

Oh, I had to use the bathroom super bad.

Oh.

So, this is the hangout spot then, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, these are my friends.

Oh, so that

- must make you Prudence then. - Yes.

- Uh-huh. Yes, it does. - Yeah.

- Oh. - He is Prudence,

- and I'm Griffin. - No, he's Mac!

He's just Mac, so don't... Yeah.

And that's Charlie, and that's Frank.

And he's left-handed.

- Yeah. - Oh.

I suppose I didn't know that about you.

Yeah. No, well, there was

- really no reason for it to come up. - Mama.

Uh, guys, this is, uh,

- Mandy. - Hi.

And this is, uh... this is little Brian Junior.

Oh.

Yeah. He's my son.

Well, I'm gonna go with left-handed.

- Left-handed or right-handed, man? - What's going on here, dude?

All right, look, you guys remember when we did that Boggs thing.

We flew out to California? Well, if you recall,

I actually got off in North Dakota.

Right? Being out of town, I thought, naturally,

I'm gonna have a little bit of fun, you know, so,

I picked up Mandy there at an Applebee's.

- Oh. - I was pretending to be

an airline pilot who flies out of Philly named Brian LeFevre.

I went to an old character.

I needed a complete back story for the manipulation.

- Of course, of course. - Yeah, but wasn't Prudence Brian's wife?

Yes, but in this scenario, she's my sister.

See, I'm always tweaking things based on the situation.

And needless to say, it worked like a charm.

But, uh, five months later,

she calls me up, tells me she's pregnant.

- Oh! - Mm.

Christ, what am I gonna do here? And need I remind you,

once she finds out that I'm not who I said I was,

and that I don't have any money,

- she could come after the bar. - Ah.

- She could be entitled to that? - Ah... shit. - All right, guys,

guys, everybody just calm down, all right?

Maybe it's not about money for her. Look, as we all know,

everything is about emotion with women.

- Right, Dee? - What?!

- Whoa. - Whoa. - Oh, my God. Whoa!

- All right, Dee, relax. - Oh, whoa.

- Rrr. - We're trying to have

a rational conversation, okay?

- Yeah, we're trying to help our friend here. - Look, I think the point is,

maybe we got to close the emotion door

for Mandy by telling her that you're gay.

Yeah, right, but I already had sex with her.

How am I gonna convince her I'm gay?

Just go with me here.

Brian's not above having a one-night stand with a woman,

but he's got no room for her emotionally

- because he's in love with me. - With you?

- Well, yes, the lover is me, of course. - Mm.

- Next plan. - That plan

stinks, because it's always about money with women.

That's all there is to it.

So I think the best thing to do is

to find a guy who's got more money than you,

like in that movie, uh, Indecent Proposal.

You get a millionaire to bang her for a million bucks.

She takes the money and runs.

Would you sleep with her for a million dollars?

No way. It's too much money.

All right, next plan. Dee.

Yeah, no, I've got a great plan,

but, uh, I'm thinking that this isn't my problem, and, also,

you guys wouldn't listen to me no matter what I said.

Good point. Charlie, plan.

I got it. If I just get

the waitress pregnant, she's gonna be tied to me for life,

so, I got to do that.

He's already on to another thing.

All right, Christ, uh, I got to do something here.

- Fine. Mac, we'll go with your plan. - Yeah!

- Yes! Yes. - Mm.

- Is the apartment ready? - Yes. You are not

gonna believe what I did to it.

Surprise!

Huh. It looks, uh...

Exactly the same.

I was able to track down versions of our old furniture,

and even found replicas

of all the knickknacks that burned in the fire.

- It's bizarre. - Bizarre in a good way.

- No. - You don't like it?

No.

Hey, so, I don't mean to interrupt here, fellas,

but I'm a little bit confused.

You never told me you had a roommate.

It's time, Brian.

Here's where things get a little bit tricky.

Um... there's really no easy way to say this,

but, um, Mac and I aren't just friends.

- He's actually my, uh... - Lover.

- Partner. - Yes, well, we do make love.

- We don't actually make love... - He's the power bottom.

- Now he generates a tremendous amount of power... - Yeah. No, I...

- ...from the bottom. - I don't. I don't, actually.

- Don't sell yourself short. He does. - No, no. It's not that I...

It's just that we don't have sex.

Yeah, I, uh... I sleep with women,

but I'm emotionally involved with Mac,

which is why...

and this is the hard part... I...

I don't really... I don't have room emotionally

in my life for you.

Okay. Uh... Wow.

Well, I'm a little bit shocked here.

Sure.

- Mm. - But I guess the most important thing is

for Brian, Jr. to have a relationship with his father.

And you know, Mac, you seem like a real stand-up fella,

so, if you boys are open to it,

the only thing I can think of better

than Junior having one dad is, well, him having two.

Ee.

- Yeah. No. - Wow. I wasn't expecting that.

We're the type of guys that, um...

Who would love this.

Oh!

Yeah. Coming.

Hey, come on in.

All right, Charlie, you got 15 minutes,

and it's a dollar a minute starting... now.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no. No, we're not doing this. Uh-uh.

Uh, now hear me out. It's not about sex.

- Okay, good. - It's about having a baby.

- And I'm gone. - Uh, no, no, no, hang on.

Hang on, one... Just one second. Come on.

Look, I know you've always wanted a baby, right?

I see you. You poke around the preschools

and the playgrounds, and you got that longing look in your eye.

Oh, God, that's so creepy.

Well, look, I can tell you this.

It...

It's not gonna happen for you.

Excuse me?

Yeah, you ain't gonna have a baby. Check this out.

Your life has been on a slow, but steady decline for years.

You were a coffee shop waitress, right?

On-again, off-again troubles with alcohol.

Living in a women's shelter.

And finally, all women's Achilles' heel... time.

Okay. Are you done?

- Because I feel like there's more. - No.

- I'm seeing, like, a whole... - Yeah, this is... I'm getting to the good part.

Look. Frank will provide for us.

- Right? He's got tons of money. - Mm-hmm.

You're never gonna have to work another day in your life. See? Zzz.

All the way to sitting on the beach in Rio de Janeiro.

Driving the lane to fame.

Okay, so...

the point is this, life with Charlie and a baby...

...looking pretty good.

Did you really think that this was gonna work?

- Did you really think that... - Well...

...you would just have me in here and you could just...

hurl insults at me.

- Huh? - I've tried everything for years with you.