Good Luck Girl! (貧乏神が!)

Narrator: FROM THE BEGINNING OF TIME,

THIS WORLD HAS BEEN CONSIDERED DIVINE.

FROM THE MOUNTAINS TO THE SEAS, DOWN TO EACH SOLITARY TREE,

IT IS BELIEVED THERE DWELLS A DEITY

WITHIN EACH AND EVERYTHING.

WHAT IS NOT KNOWN, HOWEVER, IS THAT AMONG ALL OF THESE DEITIES,

THERE IS A POVERTY GOD REALM,

WHEREIN DWELLS THE GODS OF DESTITUTION.

- UNFORTUNATELY, THE BALANCE OF FORTUNE WITHIN THE HUMAN REALM

IS CURRENTLY ASKEW.

IT IS OUR ROLE, AS POVERTY GODS,

TO PRESERVE THAT PRECIOUS EQUILIBRIUM.

MOMIJI, PLEASE GO TO THE HUMAN REALM AND FIX THIS AT ONCE.

( groaning )

DO I HAVE TO? SOUNDS LIKE A PAIN.

SHE CAN NEVER JUST SAY YES.

WELL, THAT MAY BE THE CASE.

BUT, IT'S STILL YOUR ASSIGNMENT TODAY.

( gasps )

RUDE.

WHY DOES THIS GIRL HAVE WATERMELONS IN HER SWEATER?

I MEAN, THOSE CANNOT BE REAL.

THEY'RE RIDICULOUS. THEY'VE GOTTA BE FAKE!

I HATE THIS GIRL AND HER STUPID CHEST!

OH, STOP BEING JEALOUS.

JUST SUCK IT UP, GET DOWN THERE,

AND TAKE CARE OF THE SOURCE OF ALL THIS MIXED UP FORTUNE.

HER NAME IS ICHIKO SAKURA.

- FINE, I'LL GO. I GUESS I DON'T HAVE MUCH OF A CHOICE.

- THANK YOU FOR YOUR POSITIVE ATTITUDE.

OH, YEAH.

HEY, WHILE I'M GONE,

TRY NOT TO FORGET TO RECORD ONEGAI RANKING FOR ME, OKAY?

QUIT PROCRASTINATING AND GO!

HAVE A GOOD DAY, MISS ICHIKO.

THANKS! WELL, I GUESS I'M OFF!

- All: HEY, ICHIKO! GOOD MORNING!

- MORNING, BOYS. - All: HAVE A GREAT DAY!

- Both: WE HAVE YOUR SLIPPERS FOR YOU!

YOUR BAG, MISS?

THANK YOU.

THAT'S CORRECT!

( all gasping )

- ( screaming ) - ( all exclaiming )

( laughing )

Ichiko: SO TRUE.

- Akane: GOD, I CANNOT STAND ICHIKO SAKURA.

- Ai: YOU MEAN TIT-CHIKO? TALK ABOUT OVERBOARD, RIGHT?

IF SHE'S GONNA BE THAT STACKED SHE SHOULD AT LEAST BE DUMB.

SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL?

I WISH SHE WOULD DO US A FAVOR AND DIE ALREADY.

- Ai: GETTING POSSESSED BY A DEMON WOULD BE FINE, TOO.

( girls laughing )

( laughing loudly )

COMMONERS PATHETICALLY LOOKING UP FROM BELOW

WILL NEVER CEASE TO CRACK ME UP!

MY FAVORITE PART IS THEY DON'T EVEN REALIZE

THEIR PETTY JEALOUSIES ONLY END UP SERVING AS MY DRIVING FORCE!

I CAN'T BLAME THEM. JUST THINK ABOUT IT.

I'M 16 YEARS OLD,

MY LIFE HAS NEVER BEEN ANYTHING LESS THAN LUCKY!

I'M PRETTY, I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY,

AND I'VE NEVER HAD TO WORK FOR ANYTHING, LIKE, EVER!

EVERY LIGHT IN FRONT OF ME IS GREEN!

EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE IS COMING UP ROSES, AS THEY SAY!

NOBODY EVER SAID LIFE WAS EXACTLY AN EQUAL PROPOSITION

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

BUT IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S MY FAULT

THEIR FORTUNE MAKES THEM ORDINARY.

IT'S GONE!

WHAT THE... WHAT WAS THAT?

- FORTUNATE GIRLS WHO HAVE SUCH LITTLE CONCERN FOR OTHERS,

NEED A LESSON IN MISFORTUNE.

I HAVE COME TO THIS REALM TO FORCE YOU BACK

ONTO EQUAL FOOTING WITH THE REST OF HUMANITY.

DOES THAT WORK FOR YOU?

( bell ringing )

WHERE'D SHE GO?

- WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT THE... WHAT WAS THAT?

- HEY, SLOW DOWN THERE! NO RUNNING IN THE HALL!

- I'M SORRY. PLEASE, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME, SIR.

THERE IS A MAJOR PERVERT IN THE GIRLS' BATHROOM!

All: WHAT!

GET BACK TO CLASS, NOW!

SEE, THERE'S NO PERVERT IN HERE.

OKAY, YOU GUYS, GO BACK TO CLASS.

- Suwano: GOOD EVENING, MISS ICHIKO.

THE BATH IS EXACTLY THE WAY YOU LIKE IT.

YEAH, COOL. THANKS, SUWANO.

I WONDER WHAT ON EARTH THAT THING COULD'VE BEEN.

IT WASN'T MY IMAGINATION. I'M NOT A CRAZY PERSON.

( water bubbling )

- ( chuckling ) IS THIS CLICHE OR WHAT?

( grunting )

- HUH? - ( Ichiko screaming )

- DON'T WORRY, MISS ICHIKO! I'M HERE FOR YOU!

NO SICKOS IN MY BATHROOM!

AND STAY OUT!

ALL RIGHT. I CAN PLAY.

( banging on door )

- Momiji: KNOCK KNOCK. WHO'S THERE?

THE QUEEN OF THE POVERTY GOD REALM, MOMIJI!

PLEASE, COME IN! WHY, THANK YOU!

- ( making spooky sounds ) - ( gasping )

GET OUT OF HERE, JERK MONSTER!

OH, NO, BUMMER!

YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME WHEN I'M IN MY SPIRIT FORM!

BUT THEN AGAIN. I CAN'T REALLY DO ANYTHING, EITHER.

( panting )

WHAT THE HELL?

OKAY, WHO EXACTLY ARE YOU?

- MY NAME'S MOMIJI, AND I'M A POVERTY GOD.

I'M FROM THE LAND OF THE GODS. LIKE, YOU KNOW, FROM ON HIGH.

YOU'RE A GOD OF POVERTY?

I AM.

- SO. WHAT DID YOU COME TO MY HOUSE FOR?

WELL. I'M HERE FOR YOU.

I'VE BEEN ORDERED TO TURN YOU INTO A REGULAR PERSON.

- MORE LIKE HERE TO MAKE ME LOOK STUPID.

- OH, YEAH, THAT LEVEL IS OUT OF CONTROL.

WHAT'S WORSE IS YOU'RE ABSORBING HAPPINESS ENERGY

FROM EVERYONE AROUND YOU.

NOTHING YOU SAY MAKES SENSE!

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT WITH THIS ANYWAY?

- ONLY HAPPINESS AND UNHAPPINESS ENERGY LEVELS, DUH.

GROSS, THIS THING IS FILTHY.

YEAH, I KNOW.

ALL RIGHT, NOW LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY.

EVERY LIVING THING INHERENTLY HAS A QUANTITY OF ENERGY

THAT BRINGS THEM GOOD FORTUNE,

WHICH WE CALL HAPPINESS ENERGY.

BY CONTRAST, ENERGY THAT BRINGS ABOUT CALAMITY TO ONE'S SELF

IS UNHAPPINESS ENERGY.

CURRENTLY, THE BALANCE OF THESE TWO ENERGIES

IN THIS PARTICULAR TOWN IS RIDICULOUSLY OUT OF WHACK.

THE CAUSE OF THIS, ICHIKO SAKURA, IS YOU.

- SORRY. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT.

I'M NOT SURE HOW IT HAPPENED,

SO WHY DON'T WE JUST CALL IT A DIVINE MISHAP?

BASICALLY, SOMEONE SCREWED UP ALL OVER YOU

AND GAVE YOU TOO MUCH HAPPINESS ENERGY.

WAY MORE THAN NORMAL, AND, AS IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH,

YOU'RE ABSORBING THE ENERGY OF THOSE AROUND YOU,

WHICH IS CAUSING TROUBLE FOR EVERYONE.

- SO, AFTER MY HAPPINESS ENERGY GOES DOWN TO NORMAL

AND THERE'S NO MORE FORTUNE TROUBLE OR WHATEVER,

LIKE, WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO ME?

LET ME SHOW YOU.

HELLO, THIS IS YOUR NEWSCASTER, MOMIJI.

ICHIKO, WHO FAILS TO BE ACCEPTED

INTO ANY OF THE COLLEGES TO WHICH SHE'S APPLIED

WILL, IN THE NEAR FUTURE, LOSE HER HOME,

FINDING HERSELF OUT ON THE STREETS.

LUCKILY, SHE WILL BE TAKEN IN BY A KIND MAN,

PARENTHETICAL SNICKER, WHOM SHE WILL LATER MARRY.

TOGETHER, THEY WILL HAVE FIVE CHILDREN

AND BUILD A WARM FAMILY, PARENTHETICAL GUFFAW!

- Ichiko: I LOOK LIKE A DISASTER!

- OH, YEAH, YOU DO. THOSE KIDS ARE GONNA TAKE THEIR TOLL.

- THAT'S WHAT I'M HOPING FOR. - WHY DO YOU WANT THAT FOR ME?

- MAYBE NOT EXACTLY. BUT SOMETHING CLOSE.

WE HAVE A DIFFERENT ISSUE AT HAND, THOUGH.

IT MAY NOT BE ON PURPOSE, BUT YOU NEED TO KNOW

IF YOU KEEP ABSORBING HAPPINESS ENERGY FROM OTHERS,

YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE PEOPLE AROUND YOU MISERABLE.

- ESPECIALLY THE ONES YOU CARE ABOUT.

( gasps )

- MY OBJECTIVE WITH YOU IS TWO-FOLD.

ONE, TAKE AWAY THAT NASTY HABIT YOU HAVE

OF CONSUMING EVERYONE ELSE'S HAPPINESS ENERGY.

AND TWO, REMOVE YOUR RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF FORTUNE.

THEN, EVERYTHING WILL RETURN TO THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

- OKAY, I THINK I'VE HEARD ABOUT ENOUGH OF THIS!

YOU THINK I WANT MY LIFE TO SUCK

SO EVERYONE ELSE CAN BE HAPPY INSTEAD?

HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE, POVERTY GOD?

YOU MAY BE A GODDESS OR WHATEVER.

BUT ARE YOU SURE YOU HAVEN'T CONFUSED

BEING A GOD OF FLAT-BROKENESS WITH FLAT-CHESTEDNESS?

( laughing maniacally )

I CAN SUCK ALL THAT FAT OUT OF YOUR CHEST, IF YOU WANT.

OOH, SENSITIVE!

YOUR CONSENT IS NOT A FACTOR.

I WILL EXECUTE MY DUTY BY FORCE IF I HAVE TO.

- EW. DON'T POINT YOUR CREEPY PLUSHY AT ME.

- THIS IS AN OFFICIAL POVERTY GOD ITEM.

UM, HELLO! MISS SAKURA?

IT'S ABOUT TIME FOR YOUR DEATH INJECTION!

- YOU JUST MADE THAT UP, DIDN'T YOU?

- SO I'M GONNA USE THIS TO SUCK OUT YOUR HAPPINESS ENERGY.

YOU WHAT?

HOLD ON, YOU CAN'T SERIOUSLY BE PLANNING TO STICK ME WITH THAT!

OH, NOW, CALM DOWN, MY DEAR.

THIS THING IS DESIGNED TO GUARANTEE

THAT YOU FEEL THE PAIN!

TAKE IT! - WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?

IT'S ALIVE!

- NICELY DONE, KUMAGAI! HOLD HER DOWN!

LET GO. NO!

OOPS.