Bruce Almighty

- Ally, recap? - Remember the Kowolskis?

They want to set a record by making Buffalo's largest cookie.

- You have to wear this. - A hair net?

Health Department. If you're near the cookie, you have to wear it.

I just did the hair. The hair is perfect.

All right, give it to me.

God... Why do you hate me?

We're rolling. And speed.

For three decades, the Kowolski Bakery

has been a mainstay in Buffalo,

known for their sweet, cream-filled Polski pierogies,

and the sugar-induced coma that follows.

In honour of their 30th anniversary, they've invited us to ride along

as they go for the record on Buffalo's biggest cookie.

Vol? Do you need a tissue or something?

Can we get Vol a tissue? Or a spoon?

Good thing we're wearing these.

I wouldn't want stray hairs to fall into the booger.

- We doing this again? - No. We'll cut to B roll.

Moving on!

Tell me, Mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?

Man from Health Department say he find rat pellet in our pastry.

But I say, no, is big chocolate sprinkle. But he shut store down.

So, we clean up, make big cookie to bring customers back.

I admire your candour. Let's try that again, shall we?

Tell me, Mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?

So the children of the neighbourhood will be happy?

It must be wonderful seeing the smiles on their little faces.

I work in back. I see no smiles.

The previous record was 8 feet, 7 inches, baked by Gladys Pelsnick.

If this cookie is larger, it will prove

the Kowolskis have much more free time.

And the cookie is... 10 feet, 4 inches!

We have a new record!

Cue the cheesy inspirational music!

But what are we really looking at here?

Is it just a big cookie?

Or does this cookie represent the pride of Buffalo?

Its hardworking citizens the key ingredient,

with a few nuts thrown in.

And finally, the love of our families,

which provides the warm centre,

making our beloved Buffalo

the sweetest place to live.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

I'm Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness News.

And cut.

So, what do you think?

It's really good.

It sucks. It's a story about a cookie.

The Pillsbury Doughboy will be riveted.

It made me laugh. Nothing wrong with making people laugh.

I'll never be an anchorman. The job's there, but I can't reach it.

They make me do this kind of stuff and I have to act like a goof.

I have no credibility. Not good.

- Now you just sound silly. - Forget it.

It's not important. Let's watch it once more.

- No. - Once more? Please?

No! You promised to help me with this photo album.

Get your goofy butt over here.

Go through this stack and pick your favourites.

Come on, this is fun, right? It's nice.

I bet Evan gets the anchor job.

- Bruce! - He's the favourite.

Just forget it. This is just our life.

We can always have some kid do it for us.

Hold the phone.

I like this one. Our weekend at the lake.

That should be in our private stash.

- Perky. Must have been cold. - Give it to me.

I can use this as wallpaper on my computer.

- Give it to me. Come on. - No!

Fine. Do with it what you will. I don't care.

I will do with it what I will.

I may send it in to Playboy. I hear their layouts are quite tasteful.

Give that to me right now!

- Rough stuff. - I will hurt you.

Sweetie? Time to get up.

Good dream. No.

The Buffalo Sabres lost again last night to the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Of course they did. They're my team.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

There might be something to this cookie line.

All the greatest anchors had a signature sign-off.

Like Walter Cronkite.

"And that's the way it was."

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it.

- The dog! - I'm in the shower!

No, Sam. Bad dog.

Inside, bad. Outside, good.

You're done now. Great.

B-E-A-utiful.

Let's go back in and have a shit.

- What is the dillio? - We are having a blood drive.

- Creepy. Needles. - They need my blood.

I have a very rare blood type. I'm AB positive.

Really? I'm IB positive.

"I be" positive they ain't touching me with no needle. It's just so...

- Helpful and life-saving? - No. It's blood.

Blood is supposed to stay inside the body, where it belongs.

They stockpile it in a warehouse and tell everyone there's a shortage.

Not true. Where did you hear that?

From a friend of a friend

of a girl whose sister is dating someone in government.

For your protection, I cannot discuss it.

Get out, before they see us together.

Here. You need these more than I do.

What is these?

Prayer beads. The kids made them for me.

- They will keep you safe. - I hope they're powerful.

I'll need a friggin' miracle to get to work on time.

This isn't happening. Not during sweeps week.

Not during sweeps week!

God.

Yup, meeting started without me.

This is my luck!

Come on!

Jesus.

Get out of there!

"Are you blind?" No, but I'm late.

Is your child in dire jeopardy?

Find out tonight after the game.

Promos are approved.

Jack? Shouldn't we be focusing on Pete's retirement?

- This is his last week. - Any word on the anchor position?

Evan, when I know something, you'll know something.

Sorry I'm late.

The traffic was...

Did you already play the spots?

Nice story, but we're going with Evan's piece.

The mayoral sex scandal, for sweeps.

Yeah...

Sweeps.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Just messing with you, Bruce.

You just gotta remember that the newsroom is like a big cookie.

Do you like jazz, Evan? Let me play something for you.

- I can hold that note all day. - Knock it off.

Bruce, we'll keep your story in reserve.

Can we work on getting something to put on the air today?

Great choice, Jack. The Cadillac of bolognas.

Jack, can I talk to you?

- Sure. What do you need? - Sweeps.

Jack, hear me out. I'm getting desperate.

I'm pushing 40 and what have I got to show for it? I've hit a ceiling.

There's an anti-Bruce barrier I can't get past.

And Evan is loving it.

He gets the stories. Maybe I should be more like Evan.

Don't be like Evan. He's an asshole.

- I can be an asshole. - No, Bruce. You can't.

- You going to pick that up? - Yeah, I'm sorry.

This anchor thing opening up has got me nuts.

- Hey, Susan. - Hi, Susan.

Hi, Jack.

You're a good reporter. You make people laugh.

I'll tell you what.

Today is the 156th anniversary of the "Maid of the Mist".

Be in Niagara Falls in an hour.

The "Maid of the Mist" is always live.

- Evan does the live feeds. - Now you and Evan do them.

I'm going live? During sweeps?

Watch it. I've seen your outtakes.

Jack, you will not regret this.

I won't forget you when I go national.

Can you...?

Thanks, pal.

Can I have your wish now? I'll put it in the wish jar.

Put your wish in.

- Me, too. - Put it in.

That looks like a big wish.

No, Martin, don't eat that.

Don't put that in your mouth. That's paste, honey.

- That must have tasted awful. - Mommy!

Did you have fun with Aunt Gracie today?

See how nice this is? Baby on hip.

It's amazing. You've become Mom. The transformation is complete.

I'll get it.

- Small Wonders Day Care. - Grace?

No, Debbie, the sister whose life you're not wasting.

Sorry. Debbie forgot to take her meds today. Where are you?

A little place called the winner's circle. I'm at the falls, doing a live report.

Live? That's great!

It's happening. I got sweeps and I'm live.

They're seeing if I can think on my feet.

Like I might have to do in a live anchor situation.

My gosh.

Yeah! Jack practically came out and told me.

Practically?

He didn't spell it out. Legally, he can't.

This happened to Susan before they bumped her up to the desk.

It's good.

Honey, I don't want you to get too ahead of yourself.

- I gotta go! They're calling me. - Good luck, honey. I love you.

Love, love, love.

Let's do it.

- They want you close to the falls. - I'll get soaked.

That's the point. Put this on.

A condition for us getting the exclusive.

You know what? Nothing can bother me today.