Russell Peters: Act Your Age

And now ladies and gentlemen,

Canada's own and the pride of Brampton, Ontario,

Etihad Arena, give it up

for Russell Peters!

Hey, hey…

…Abu Dhabi!

Give it up for my DJ, Starting From Scratch,

the one and only.

Give it up for that guy for never giving up a buffet.

Give it up.

I mean that respectfully, I mean.

I mean they're called skinny jeans is all I'm saying.

Good to have white people in the middle.

That's nice to see.

This is how you know the Arabs didn't wanna sit right there.

They're like, no, please.

I'll be like, please, take this seat.

Best seat, best seat.

No, I love you.

I want you to have.

I want you, please, enjoy.

Please, please.

Where are you guys from?

UK.

UK, I'm fine, thank you, but where are you from?

Where are you from?

You don't like my answer.

I'm from Russia.

You're from Russia?

That's okay.

I'm not Ukrainian. It's fine, you can be Russian.

I don't give a shit…

…and you're from the UK?

-London. -Good, London, and you?

Dubai.

Dubai, no, that's what I thought when I looked at you.

Look like a bootleg Dubai,

maybe like the karama version of Dubai.

I don't know, man…

…and what's your name, Russian guy?

-Your name? -Tim.

-Tim? -Yeah, Timor.

Tim, Timor?

Timor, Timor.

I'm actually also from Dubai, but.

I know you all think you're from Dubai,

but if you don't have an Emirati passport,

you're just visiting like the rest of us.

What are you doing out here, Tim?

What made you invade?

I mean, come, come here.

Here, I'm laughing, having a good time.

You're having a good time.

You living out here or you live out here?

-Yeah. -Is your hearing bad?

Were you on the war front

and the fucking explosions got to you?

Boom, bliat, I don't know what is happening.

Do you know that brown kid beside you, that one there?

Do you know him?

Just checking.

I mean, it's Dubai.

Everybody owns an Indian somehow.

I don't know.

We all check.

I dunno if there was a group on or something, but.

Well, it's nice to see white people at least, you know?

And then people in white.

I don't like the term.

I want to let you guys know. What's your name, English guy?

-Martin. -Martin?

Yes, right.

Be honest with you, Martin, you sound like a bit of a cunt.

I say it with respect, mate, all right?

And who's the ginger bastard with you?

Hey, the big guy's like, thank God the heat's off me.

It's better to get it first,

then the rest of 'em take it after.

You know what I mean?

-My boss. -That's your boss?

Oh nice, are you the boss?

He's like, don't enter anything either.

Are you Arab, sir?

No, what are you?

-From Pakistan. I live in. -You're from Pakistan.

So you're Indian.

Listen, if you did some DNA tracing, surprise.

I don't like the term white people, Martin.

That's what I was trying to say.

I'll tell you why I don't like the term white people,

because you hear white people,

you automatically assume color,

and that's just not the case with white.

Anybody could be physically white, really.

Anybody, like you can go to India and go to the north,

and you'll meet a guy with white skin and blue eyes.

You'll be like, you white?

He'd be like, not even a tiny bit.

Like white's more than the color.

You know, like look at some of the Asians.

Look at some of the Chinese, the Koreans, the Japanese.

They're physically whiter than white people,

but somehow, white people got the title of white.

Obviously, you know, when you look at the other Asians

that they're not white, you know, for obvious reasons,

'cause they're good at math, you know?

So, but even though white people got the title of white…

…like there's a lot of people that are like,

look at the girl behind you.

She's very light skinned, right?

You're a light skinned lady, but I could tell

that you're not white, but white people wouldn't know.

You know what I mean?

Are you Pakistani?

I could tell right away.

You guys gave each other some sort of weird look like.

I dunno, some sort of weird Pakistani hand code…

…but physically, you're very fair-skinned.

You know what I mean?

Like would you have known, Martin,

that that lady wasn't white?

I mean, obviously 'cause we're here,

but if we were somewhere else, you might have thought,

you know, this is what happens to like non-white people

that are very light skinned.

We have this identity crisis.

So we'll try to pass ourselves, not me but them.

They will, I don't fucking pass off as anything, you know,

other than, you know, what you see,

but you'll meet like people that are very light-skinned

and they'll pass themselves off as white,

and the only people that believe them are white people.

The rest of us can see right through them,

and like, I'm like, dude, I know you're not white.

How do you know I'm not white? Don't I look white?

I go, you're very fair-skinned, but I know you're not white.

Well, how do you know I'm not white? Don't I look white?

I go, you look pale, but I know you're not.

How do you know I'm not white?

Because your fucking name is Gerbreet…

…and when you're not actually white

but you're just physically white,

like you're not an actual white person,

your body will remind you.

You know what I mean?

Like, you sweetheart, you're very fair-skinned, right?

But I bet you your nipples are chocolatey as fuck.

You know what I mean?

Like just, you know what I mean?

Like show me one real quick, just one, just one.

It's not for me.

It's for science, it's for science.

I don't want to see it like sexually just, okay, white lady.

There's a white lady.

White lady, show her one of yours real quick.

I want you to see what they look like when they're raw.

It's like uncooked.

White women have nipple tartar.

It's amazing.

You gotta see this.

Okay, take me, for example, right?

I'm a medium brown, right?

There's darker brown than me.

There's lighter brown than me, right?

But even though I'm medium brown, my junk black as fuck.

I don't understand.

I'm showering, I'm uncomfortable.

Like who is this?

Somebody just got the joke.

Backstage, they're like, there might be a delay

with the translation.

I didn't know the delay was gonna be fucking two days later.

I didn't know that.

I got kids.

I know.

You got kids, Timor?

How many you got, four?

Jesus, you're just like the Russians.

You won't pull out of anything.

Okay, your is Ukraine, okay?

I will not pull out.

Four from one woman, one woman?

Nice, congrats.

It's honorable, 'cause I have four kids…

…but I only made two of them.

I made two, and then my wife, she has her own two

that she made before me, 'cause you know she's a whore.

I'm kidding.

She's here.

Babe, I love you, don't leave me.

I don't know where they put my wife,

but hopefully not near an exit row.

I got two kids that I made, but like I said, Muhammad,

I grew up with Jamaicans, and so I got some good habits

and some bad habits.

I got rhythm, but then I got bad habits, you know?

So I got two kids from two different women.

Thanks, Jamaicans, and both of my kids are mixed.

Both of my kids are half Hispanic.

I dunno if there's any Hispanic people here tonight,