Please Like Me

- So, who is this guy? - Ben.

Huh?

I used to drive Ben and Josh to swimming club.

- Not that Ben. Different Ben. - Ah, it's... Oh.

Get out of the way!

I don't understand why you want us to come.

- I just needed a lift. - What is Tom doing?

- He's busy. - I don't believe that.

So what's wrong with Ben?

He's having surgery on his brain.

You know, I think maybe you called us because you need us.

- Just a lift. - No, you need your dad.

Did you call us because you need me, Josh?

Yeah, you love your dad.

Ah, is this... Is this the right level?

I think so.

I think I saw Day Surgery was on Level 4, though.

- This is Level 4. - Yes, it is.

Josh, why don't you admit you love your dad?

- I love you, Dad. - I love you too, Josh.

Just let me know if you need me to sign anything.

Please sit down.

Hi, I'm looking for my friend's room. Ben Robinson.

Oh, lovely. What's your name?

Josh?

Sorry, I don't know why I said it like I was checking with you.

It's Josh.

He has some family in there with him at the moment.

Of cour... yeah, of course, he has a family.

Yeah, and his family is probably really cherishing this time.

Shall I let them know you're here?

No, that suddenly feels a little bit silly. Um, we have to go.

- Josh! - What?

- Why can't he? - Alan!

Help your son!

Josh!

- Josh? - Ok.

Ok, you need to explain who Ben is.

No, I don't. He's a boy. He is just a boy.

Oh, ok, fine.

But I still think you should be brave and go see him, though.

Yeah, what's the worst that could happen?

He could die and then every time I have two white wines I'll get sad,

and then nobody'll invite me to parties.

I haven't told anybody.

Not Tom, not Claire. I don't know why.

Josh, mate, I think you need to go back and see him.

Yeah, listen to your dad.

No. No, no, no, thank you.

Alright, alright.

- Hi. - Hello!

Uh, Josh, these are my parents.

- Mum, Dad, this is Josh. - Oh.

Hello, Mr and Mrs Ben, hello.

Hello, Josh. Um, we were just going to get a cup of tea.

- Did you want one? - No, I don't like tea.

- Oh, alright. We'll be back soon. - Thanks.

I love tea. Yeah.

I don't know why I was just a bit weirdly aggressive about the tea.

Is it weird that you just met my parents?

Mm.

So I forgot to get you anything, and then I got you this ice-cream.

Then they told me you're not allowed to eat.

But I wanted you to see that I tried.

- Did you get yourself one? - Yeah, no.

- Do you want to eat it? - Fuck, yes, I do.

You look fine.

You sound annoyed about it.

Mm, well, I was all mentally prepared to see tubes and things going...

going inside you.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, that all comes after, that stuff,

and you look pretty awful, actually.

Yeah, well, I thought it'd be rude to turn up looking healthy,

- so I didn't moisturise. - Yeah, right.

Yeah, I'm gonna go now. It's just nothing...

It's just maybe your parents like you more than I do.

Well, I'll call you when I get out of here, ok?

Mm. Yeah, obviously, obviously.

If I don't die.

Yes.

Yeah.

- Oh, I'm pooped. Oh, Hannah! - Yeah?

Did you sneak liquorice into the shopping? Oh, it's yucky!

Three?

Yeah no, I'll definitely be home by three.

Yeah, it'll be good to see you too, yeah.

Yeah, life certainly does get busy, yep.

No, you hang up first.

Hannah, there's no more room for thegroceries in the kitchen.

- We're losing the blender. - Huh?

- My ex, Debbie, wants it back. - Oh, shit.

Oh...

Oh! Oh!

That's been there since your green smoothie phase... day.

Nuh, we can't possibly let her see the house.

We want to trick her into thinking you're a big success.

Right.

- Josh? - Hi.

Are you hiding?

- Yep, yeah, I'm hiding. - From me?

- Mostly. - What did I do?

Nothing.

Actually, I did do something,

but I'm not sure now's the right time to talk about it.

Ok, go.

- Um, I washed John. - Great.

But I ran out of dog shampoo and I used your shampoo instead,

- so you're out of shampoo. - Ok.

Why are you hiding from me?

I had sex with a guy. A guy that is not you.

That's allowed. You know that's allowed.

Ok, I have to tell you the story, because I'm me, right, this fella,

so he turned out to be a real weird, annoying freak boy.

Exactly the type of person who gets excited to see my penis, right?

No offence. He's not in there, is he?

Funny. So freak boy and I, we had the sex, right? Mediocre.

And then he decides to tell me all about his big aneurysm in his brain.

You know what that is, but I didn't, but you would.

It's bad, yeah? It's shit. It's real... it's real bad.

A few weeks later, this guy, his name is Ben, he calls me and he says,

"I'm getting an operation on my shit brain and I might die.

Please come and see me."

At first I was a bit confused at why he'd ask me,

but then I remembered what a weird freak boy he was,

and it made a lot of sense,

and he has no-one in his life to call except me,

the other weird guy from the internet whobriefly touched his penis once.

Ok. Are you done?

This morning I went to the hospital, right, because I am a nice guy,

when I go visit someone to say hi

a few hours before they maybe die in surgery.

Ok.

Do you like him?

Yes, but not romantically. Look, it's going to be a weird day, ok?

Waiting for a hospital call to tell me if this boy is alive or not.

You're going to see a lot of concern in my eyes,

but I need you to know that while it's all a bit much,

I'm not romantically interested, no matter what happens today

- with the life or death. - Does he like you?

Yes. I love you.

Why won't you tell me what happened between you and Josh?

Because it's nothing.

Are you guys going on The Amazing Race without me?

No.

Guys, I've been thinking about the massive Ferris wheel

and how we should go on it today.

Is it that you're jealous of my career?

Yes.

I just don't know what you two would keep from me.

I know everyone thinks it's lame

'cause it's just a copy of the one in London,

but we aren't in London, so will have to do.

Ella, we're not going on the Observation Wheel.

Ooh! Too fancy to say 'Ferris wheel'?

Big Tom with his big, fancy terms.

- Are you guys having a baby? - Please shut up!

Oh, my God, I nailed it. They're having a baby.

Tom. I promise you, you want to shut up.

- Why? I just... - Because I had an abortion, ok?

It's not something you do on your own.

I don't have a partner, and I had to take Josh. Fuck!

- Oh, Claire, I'm sorry. That's rough. - No, it's not, it's fine! I'm fine.

I'm just glad I got him to shut up.

Why didn't you tell me?

- Ohh! - Tom! She doesn't have to tell you.

- She told Josh. - So?

- Yeah, I can tell whoever I want. - Yeah, what the hell?

It's our choice what we do with our bodies and who we tell.

You're such the patriarchy.

Yeah, I really hate how you're always such the patriarchy, Tom.

I'm not the patriarchy.

I'm not gonna let the patriarchy tell me

that I can't go on the massive Ferris wheel.

Ugh, they're having sex! We're not having sex.

- Are you guys having sex? - We aren't having sex.

Oh, I wanted to see!

Ah, Tom and Ella and I are gonna go to the Ferris wheel.

- Do you want to come? - Um...

Are you up to going on the Ferris wheel?

- Um, ah, yeah, I could. You? - Yeah, yeah, I could go.

- That would be fun. - Are you sure?

Oh, my God.

What the fuck type of attitude is that for a Ferris wheel?

That is not theright tone for a Ferris wheel.

Why are you doing that? Oh, why did you pick that?

They were in the cupboard.

I want to tidy the cupboard so we can fit things in.

Oh. ok.

Get your own cupboard!

Oh, nyeeeh!

Cheers, guys!

Um, ok, so I know you don't want to talk about it.

I just want to make sure that you are ok.

Yeah! Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm drinking champagne in the sky on a Ferris wheel. I'm ok.

Meanwhile, what's going on with you two?

- Nothing. - Something.

Definitely something.

So, Josh's friend, Ben, is in the hospital.

What happened to Ben? Ok, so you guys know Ben?