Married... with Children

Hey, Chicago,

what a day for a daydream.

Show me an unhappy man today, and I'll show you a...

A shoe salesman, Jim.

Twentieth-century blacksmith, a working man,

an idiot.

I'll feel better after I have a nice cup of coffee.

Life is good.

Hi, honey.

Heh-heh. Did you miss me?

With every bullet so far.

Well,

maybe you need a bigger gun, sweetheart.

Not that I don't love your itty-bitty one.

What got you up before noon, Peg?

Oh, a foul, evil wind.

You were snoring through your nose, mouth and ears.

But I forgive you because today is the day

the new fall preview issue of TV Guide comes out.

Oh, look at it, Al. It's still warm.

Mm-hm.

Well, pass it over my coffee.

Are you so jaded that even the new TV season

doesn't get you going?

I mean, look at these new shows.

"Everything's Comin' up Maggie.

High jinks ensue when Maggie..."

Chastity Bono.

"Accidentally becomes vice president

of the United States."

Saturdays.

Ooh, and look.

"We Are Family.

A Chinese family with three children."

Oh. I get it.

We Are Fami-Lee.

Ah, Jesus.

It's here! It's here!

My high school diploma.

I couldn't wait for the mailman to come,

so I just took it out of his truck.

I am a high school graduate.

Read it to me, Mom.

What does it say? What does it say?

Oh, Al, isn't this exciting?

Oh, leave me alone.

Good morning, everybody.

Any chicks call for me this morning?

Yeah, the, uh,

Malaysian mail-order bride company called.

No takers.

Apparently, even poor, hungry women

from the Third World think they can do better.

Yuck it up, future welfare mother.

The babes will be calling aplenty soon.

I'm a senior now.

A mover. A shaker.

I'm the man.

I've got the juice.

Yup.

When I was a freshman,

they flushed my head down the toilet.

When I was a sophomore,

they flushed my head down the toilet.

When I was a junior, I was getting cool,

so they let me flush it myself.

But now, I'm a senior and ready to rule.

This year, he's back.

He's cool. He's dry.

Until he goes to sleep.

Oh, Al, our little man. Heh-heh-heh.

Go away.

I'm home!

Marcie, you don't live here.

I know.

No one actually lives here.

I meant I'm back from my two weeks' vacation.

You didn't know I was gone?

So you didn't remember to air out my house,

or water the plants, or feed the goldfish?

Oh, well. At least my life is back on track.

I spent my two weeks off at a seminar:

"You Are What You Were."

So you are a chicken.

With a bad haircut.

You know, that would have bothered me before,

when I was what I'm not.

But now that I am what I was,

I was what I am.

Stand back, she's getting ready to eat spinach,

and then her tattoo will get all big.

You moron, it's not I yam what I yam.

That's '80s.

The point is, I'm confident

and renewed.

So confident, in fact,

that I stopped by my bank and demanded my old job back.

And after 20 minutes of frugging on my boss' desk in my slip,

while the other tellers tossed quarters at me,

I am once again what I was:

a dignified bank manager.

Ah, gee, Al, isn't this great?

Everybody has the start of a whole new life,

except for you and the dog.

Well, that all but throws the dirt in my face.

Everybody, I have an announcement.

Your happiness

sickens me.

Everybody but me is looking at good times.

But for me, it's been one

long continuous year since I got married.

Actually, one long month.

Helluary.

But I'm not bold enough to expect happiness.

I know that wasn't meant for me.

But what I'd like one time in my life

is for something new to happen to me.

Something special.

You're right, honey.

You know what you need?

A good night job.

Is that all I am to you?

An oxen to be worked in the field

until he drops dead?

Well, gee, honey.

What did you think you were to us?

Well, perhaps husband,

perhaps father.

Perhaps the man who's about to run amuck

with a meat cleaver if he doesn't have any fun!

Now, family, I've just made a decision.

We're going on a Labor Day vacation.

Oh, no way. Aw. Aw.

Shut up.

But, honey, what about the new TV season?

I do not want to miss the special premiere

of Grandmaster and the Gopher.

"It's an hour drama with comic overtones

"about a rapper who goes to the center of the Earth

and raps with the mole people."

Oh, and look. Sally Struthers is the queen.

Oh, Mom.

I am talking about vacation,

litter of my loins.

Now, I shall tell you where we will holiday.

We're gonna go where people pretend they want to go

when they can't afford to go someplace good.

We're gonna see America.

We take no map, we'll follow the sun.

We'll stay in cheap motels

and steal what we need along the way.

We go west,

past the cheese factories, where the air is fresh,

sky is big,

and a man can still kill his dinner with his car.

Guys, tomorrow, we put the pedal to the metal,

and we ride with the wind.

Gee, Al, uh, think you could slow down?

My hair is just whipping in the wind.

He's not scaring you, is he, kids?

Sorry, Mom.

I couldn't hear you over the roar of the engine.

Come on, leave Daddy alone.

I mean, how could he possibly know

that there would be a traffic jam on Labor Day?

Shut up.

Al, we have not moved an inch in two hours.

Peg, I can hear that in our bedroom.

Now, just shut up and let me enjoy myself.

I could hear that in our bedroom too, honey.

Ah, I'm not gonna let you ruin this for me, Peg.

Yep, this is my vacation, and I'm havin' fun.

I'm lovin' this.

Move! Move!

I can't take anymore.

Oh, God, you're killing me.

Move! Move!

Daddy?

What?

Are we there yet?

If you don't shut up,

I'm gonna put the car in park and just sit here.

Oooh!

Peg, could you control them? I'm trying to drive.

Will we be back by next Thursday, honey?

Look.

"Nun of This."

"About a nun who's had enough."

"Karen Valentine is Sister Lash.

Your worst nightmare: A nun with a gun."

Enough, woman!

Now, I know what'll take our minds off this.

How 'bout a family sing-along?

Well, I don't know, honey.

You sure you can sing

and pay attention to the road at the same time?

Don't make me pull over, Peg.

Okay. With me.