Anger Management

Okay, in the last five minutes of group today,

I'd like to ask Nolan what we've all been too polite to bring up...

who did your hair?

And what time is the yearbook photo?

Well, I did it.

And I think it looks terrific.

Nolan's meeting my parents this week.

Wow, well, that's big.

And I hope they like him because...

and I'm really proud of this...

Nolan is the first man I'm introducing to my parents

who I'm not using to cheat them out of money.

Round of applause, everyone.

I don't know what you're worried about, Lacey. Parents love me.

Especially when they understand I'm only hanging around the playground

because the slide is awesome.

They're not going to love you and they're not supposed to.

First time I met my father-in-law,

he punched me right in the face.

I thought it went pretty well.

Don't worry, Nolan. It can't be worse

than when my last boyfriend took me to meet his dad.

- He didn't like you? - No, I didn't like him.

He lived in a trailer.

He punched me right in the face... with his poverty.

You're gonna do great, Nolan.

Just be prepared to answer a few simple questions

like, "Where are you from?"

"What are your hobbies?" "What do you do?"

Well, I'm screwed.

All right, maybe this will help.

In a thing like this, you're dating the girl,

not the mom and dad.

Unless the mom's crazy hot,

in which case you have my summer of '93.

Hey, guys. Sorry to interrupt.

No, it's fine. All right, that's time.

See you all next Monday.

Charlie, I want to talk about the budget again.

I told you, we are not using government money

to send out Christmas cards from our office. We work in a prison.

It'll be fun,

you, me, and a prisoner playing Santa.

Oh, that'll be great.

"Hey, kids, who's that coming down the chimney?

Oh, it's Santa Claus and he's here to kill us in our sleep."

Oh, my God, I am so tired

of arguing with you about everything

from scheduling and protocols to where we're ordering lunch.

Well, we wouldn't argue if you'd just agree with me

and realize that all your opinions are wrong.

I wish there was someone in the office who could act as a tiebreaker.

Fine, then let's hire somebody...

another psychologist to help us out.

We have a backlog of prisoners to see anyway.

Great. We'll post on the psychology job boards tonight

and we'll start interviewing people tomorrow.

But I will need a picture of you, me, and a prisoner to show what we do.

Oh, come on. You're just gonna Photoshop a white beard

and a red suit on the prisoner, aren't you?

How dare you accuse me of...

something I was gonna do?

- Hey, Charlie. - Oh, hey.

Oh.

Hello, Jordan.

Hello, Sean.

Well, this is awkward.

I take it you two haven't seen each other since the breakup?

It's not awkward at all. How are you, Sean?

I am well, Jordan. How are you?

I am also well, Sean.

Yep, not awkward at all.

Well, I gotta go.

- So over that girl. - Me, too.

You know what? I'm actually gonna hire somebody

just to agree with me so she loses every argument.

That's a very orderly sense of revenge.

And it creates jobs.

Well, it seems like all of your qualifications are in order.

And it says here you've even done some anger management work.

Yes, when I was completing my clinical hours, that's correct.

So what we're looking for is someone

who's not afraid to voice their opinions.

Oh, I can do that.

Okay, as an example,

I prefer to interview the prisoners

inside the cubicles for privacy.

I absolutely agree.

See, I feel that small spaces make prisoners feel tense and guarded

because it reminds them of their cells.

You're completely right.

Okay, we could do sessions out here.

I just think we need

to paint the walls blue to make it more calming.

I think blue is the best possible color.

- I prefer yellow. - Even better.

Well, this has been a really terrific interview.

Just one more thing. We are looking for someone

who isn't afraid to voice their opinions.

And you think you can do that?

Voice my opinion?

Yeah, okay.

All right, yeah, I was hoping you would say that.

I've been sitting here for the last hour

wondering how is it you guys are interviewing me.

I mean, look at you. You in that dress,

you in those shorts.

What is this, an English day school?

And, are we gonna do dressage, on one of your little plastic horses?

You know what? I think this entire program

is ridiculous and unnecessary.

So you know what? Why don't you be honest with me?

Did I get the job?

And, no, I'm not the least bit hesitant to express my opinion.

And when I worked in that minimum security prison for two years,

I was very vocal about possible improvements to the program.

And you're a doctoral candidate.

Plus your dissertation is on anger in the workplace and productivity.

- Yes, it is. - So why did you get into psychology?

And if you say, "To help people," that's gonna blow my mind

because that's why I did it.

Thank you so much for coming in.

We'll be in touch before the holidays.

- Hello? - It's so nice to meet you.

You have a great resume and you're really smart.

And I'm sure you realize that in office politics

it's best to align yourself with the top person.

I hear you loud and clear.

Let me ask you something.

You don't think that sending out Christmas cards

from an office like this would be appropriate, do you?

Absolutely not.

I think we're gonna get along great.

Me, too. As long as you understand

that I don't date people I work with

and any unwanted advances will be met with a lawsuit.

Well, that goes without saying.

I mean, now it goes without saying.

Let me go make this happen.

Well? I think we found our new associate.

Okay, now I know what your penis thinks. What do you think?

I think we should hire her.

And for the record, she doesn't date people that she works with.

And my penis and I talked, and we don't want a lawsuit.

My penis and I are saving up for a boat.

All right, fine.

- We can hire her. - Great.

But, you know, I have had some thoughts on how we could redo the office.

Well, you should write them down

and when Brianne gets here, we take a vote.

Anger Management 2x89 Charlie and the Sexy Swing Vote

So this new girl, you're gonna get with her, right?

No, Ernesto.

Women were not put on this earth so we could use them for things.

I just want this woman to agree with me

so I can crush Jordan's spirit.

You know what, Charlie?

I was just looking at our schedule and something just occurred to me.

If we came in half an hour earlier every day,

we could see five extra prisoners a week.

Yeah, and if we got here at sunrise, we could paint the barn and milk the cows.

I have other therapy groups. I have a life.

What do you think, Brianne?

I agree with you.

You hear that, Jordan? We hired an objective voice

and the objective voice agrees with me.

Except I also think it's more important

to get through this terrible backlog that you have built up.

So I'm gonna have to go with Jordan on this one.

Told you... what?!

I'm sorry, I agree with Jordan, Charlie.

Okay, we are hopelessly deadlocked on this one.

No, we are not. Brianne and I agree two to one.

And while we're talking, I think we should stay open late on Wednesday nights.

Why, so we can get all the after-theater traffic?

This is a prison, not an ice cream parlor.

Right, Brianne?

Sorry, you guys do have a backlog.

I'd like to vote on something.

I vote that we never use the word "backlog" again.

You're kidding me. I'm losing on "backlog"?

Charlie, here are your reindeer ears.

Adorable.

Brianne and I decided that we're gonna shoot the Christmas card photo today.

- What? - I'll be right back.

I have to go get our Santa look-alike.

He's in the infirmary with a shiv wound,

but he can stand long enough to take a photo.

Christmas miracle.

Brianne, you said you agreed with me about the Christmas card.

Hey, Jordan had a good argument.

Besides, I only agreed with you to get the job.

I just did what I had to do.

Thank you.

I'd fire you, but I don't think I have the votes.

Don't be nervous, Nolan.

I already told my parents that you aren't rich,

successful, cultured, educated or anything.

Hope I can live up to that.

But just so you know, I'm not nervous.