Bloody Nose, Empty Pockets

Doors are open, you know the deal.

Come on, I'll get you a little pick-me-up.

This isn't good.

Well, this is.

Best part of waking up, bourbon in your cup.

-There you go, brother. -Thank you.

Get any sleep last night?

Tomorrow, tomorrow...

tomorrow,

creeps in this petty pace

from day to day.

On this spot in 2016, Michael slept it off.

Last day with him.

What's he gonna do, where is he gonna go?

-I mean, come on. -That's actually a very good question.

I can't imagine that dude functioning without this place, but...

guess he'll have to figure it out.

All right.

-I'm sorry. -Aw.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

Come here. I'm sorry.

-All right, buddy, no worries. -Thank you.

Glad to see you among the living again.

You look much better.

You feeling any better?

Sure, let's say yes.

That's good. I didn't touch any of your stuff.

I--I know, I didn't--I know.

All right, buddy.

-See you tomorrow. -I probably...

That's a lot more sun than I usually see.

-What's the--um... -Sorry.

Fucking last day in paradise, huh?

Honestly, what does this bar make?

So you're going down--so you're going down to $85 a day, who cares?

-Stay open. -Probably gonna turn into a CVS anyway.

All right, anyway.

I'm going to go get the decorations.

All right, please do.

-Oh, lookie-lou. -Good morning.

I can't believe John's here, I can't believe it.

What are the odds? Oh, and he has doughnuts!

Look at that! Ask and ye shall receive!

-Forget the sandwich. -Fuck the sandwich!

-Give me the fucking doughnuts! -Good man.

John, just in the nick of time, coming through with doughnuts.

Oh, God, this thing weighs about 40 pounds.

I really do have to go get the decorations.

Try not to hurt yourself.

-How are you doing today, man? -Good.

Can you put that somewhere?

Yeah, yeah, will do.

-Do I want to know what's in there? -Nope.

You know what they say at the airport?

If you see something say something?

The whole, like, unmarked bag situation?

See nothing, saw nothing.

For more on what's gonna happen, we go to Yasmeen Hassan.

Now we are just a few hours away from Carnado.

If you're heading south on the 15, and you need to head off in that general direction,

I would hop off at Lake Mead and then take MLK over

and then that'll connect you over to 95.

So, all of this starts at 10 p.m. tonight

and it's going to stay in place until February.

You really hit the ground running today, Michael.

I--I know we're making fun, but...

-Aren't we always? -I pride myself...

I pride myself on not having become an alcoholic

until after I was already a failure,

because alcoholic failures are boring.

That's actually...

And I ruined my life sober,

and then I came to you.

We got you at the prime-- we got you at the prime of your life, man.

So you're saying the alcohol didn't ruin your life.

Keith Richards looks at you and wonders how you're still alive.

That was the sound of your point being rejected by the judges.

-That is... -We're going to have to go to the judges.

-Hello! -Brothers!

You're just in time for the not-party.

We're not having fun in celebration of not closing.

Hey, I'm leaving, I'll catch you all later.

Like, what else is new? Welcome to the rant.

-Michael's just getting started. -Oh my God.

All right, this is--this is--this is--

I'm really almost done.

-You look good. -Not yet, but I wish I was.

Success is not something that you're responsible for.

You know, success will happen or it won't happen,

largely due to forces outside your control.

-Really? -Largely, not exclusively.

There are people who can bull their way through to success.

-But by and large... -Hard work and all that.

By and large, it's a matter of luck and timing and...

All right, thank you, at least there's one point.

So all you can do,

all you can be responsible for,

is not becoming a joke

before you go.

And...

Oh, shit.

Jesus, Lowell. Fuck you, man.

Fucking asshole.

A new car!

Thank you so much.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar...

Y'all remember Wolfman?

Hell yeah.

-Oh my gosh. -Oh, look, we got the--

Can I get--can I get some more coffee, please?

-Michael. -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're a man of small--little words.

Well then string up some goddamn tape, you got the party shit right there.

Here, blow some of these up.

Ain't gonna happen. I got no lungs.

Well, I don't scare easy, but God dammit, that Carnado is scaring the piss out of me.

-I don't mind... -I heard that.

You know, I woke up this morning, it was like, it's a nice sunny day.

-It's on its way. -It's like we're all fucked, man, you know?

And the world's largest gift shop just got sold.

This place is fucking shutting down.

Well, they saw Carnado coming.

That's it, yeah, yeah, that's it. You got it.

The Bonanza Gift and Souvenir Shops sold.

You know, I don't even care about this town anymore.

-They're losing their character. -I hear you, I hear you, dude.

-The world, it's... -Fucking Celine Dion can have it, I'm moving.

Stay right there.

Stay right there.

I'm gonna--I want to see if they'll come here.

I know, I'm working on it.

I'm sorry.

Listen to this, Michael. Write it down in your precious little notebook that I won't touch.

Yeah, yeah!

-All right. -I did, I listened to every bit of it.

Thank you, 20's, it's been a good God knows how many fucking years.

But I'm out.

I'm gonna take this here guitar,

go out to Reno and make dozens of dollars.

-Well, that certainly helps. -Did you bring your cello?

No, you know I don't bring that shit near you animals.

American Pie!

So, Marc, when you become rich and famous, you gonna share?

-Huh? -Yeah.

-You gonna share? -Share what?

-When you become rich and famous? -Your money.

-Yeah, I'll bring you guys a couple bucks. -Hundredaire?

Don't forget, that's all I'm saying.

You're the man, you're the man.

It's another word for a crucifix or cross.

-Good. -What the fuck is that?

like "Cactus Makes Perfect."

-Yes. -Three of a Kind for $800.

You got me there.

-Oh! -...appear in this book of the Old Testament.

-Daniel, right. -Three of a Kind for $1000.

Are we the smartest people alive?

The pop music needs to come back on.

-...who determined human destiny. -He picked eight.

-The muses? -The fates.

What are we watching this for, to feel stupider?

I already had to deal with these clowns.

Alex Trebek, you smug son of a bitch.

Sherwin-Williams Fireweed is close.

-Yes. -Native Americans for $200.

The name of this tribe, the USA's largest,

comes from a word meaning "planted fields,"

since they were farmers.

U.S.'s largest tribe, the Navajo.

I know you gotta shave in the sink in the morning,

but make sure you rinse down the hair.

-It's okay! -No, I'm sorry, man.

That's all right, man, you look good, you look good.

I finished my sandwich, I'm saving a little bit for later on.

Okay. Jeez, you guys are really knocking these signs out the park.

We're gonna have a lesson in handwriting as soon as we're done.

I never thought I'd say it, but Lowell's got the best handwriting so far.

You know what, I'm gonna tell y'all a little joke.

Alright, tell me your joke.

-Ready for it. -Okay.

I'm gonna tell you something.

You can root high and die a poor pig.

And a heap see, but a few know what's going on.

Now listen to what I said.

A heap of people see,

but a few know what's going on.

-A "frew"? -We know what's going on.

-A fruit? -The Carnado's...

I ain't said no fruit.

You--you act like you got carbonation milk behind your ears.

I said a few.

-A few. -Okay, okay, is this like a riddle?

Uh, no.

F-E-W.

A few know what's going on.

-A few know what's going on. -So could you say the whole thing again?

A heap see but a few know...what's going on.

A heap of people see but a few people know what's going on.

A heap of people see, but a few know what's going on.

-That's sage wisdom. -Yeah, say it inside out, then it will be like Yoda.