What Planet Are You From?

At the far reaches of the universe...

... Iies a planet of men who have advanced technologically...

...beyond the realm of human comprehension.

There is no breeding. They are a product of cloning...

...and their reproductive organs have shrunk and disappeared.

All emotions have been bred out of this race...

...and each succeeding generation...

...has become more ambitious and driven than the previous one.

They want to rule the universe...

...and now they are planning their next takeover from the inside.

This planet is four solar systems from our own.

Across the Sea of Vell, at a fixed position of 1 3-6-90...

...on the subset grid 4-1 0.

It is a solid, rigid mass...

...with a dense core of magnetic, metallic liquid.

The atmosphere is composed of nitrogen, oxygen and argon...

...in amounts of 78, 21 and 1 percent by volume.

This is our target.

This is Earth.

This is where one of you will serve your planet...

...to the act of procreation.

Your training will be extensive.

The Earth woman's reproductive organs are located here.

The access point is here.

Insertion in any other access point will not result in pregnancy.

To get the woman in a receptive mood for insertion...

... compliment her on these areas.

She will also enjoy being told...

... that she smells nice and that her footwear is stylish.

You will spend many hours in study...

...trying to learn all you can about the females of this planet.

It is important to a woman that she feels you are listening when she speaks.

This is most easily achieved...

...by repeating the phrase, "uh-huh, " when the woman is communicating.

I went to the store this morning.

Uh-huh.

On the way, the car started making a funny noise, so I pulled over.

Uh-huh.

Then I couldn't hear it, so I started driving again.

Then it was fine.

You will familiarize yourself with her predilections, her customs...

...her ranges of temperament.

Her smiles, her frowns. Her ups and her downs.

Your footwear is quite fashionable. -Thank you.

May I insert my penis in you?

Yes.

Ten seconds. This time is your personal best.

Congratulations.

You all have performed admirably...

...and your concentration has been exemplary...

...but one man has been chosen.

This man has excelled in his training...

...and we are confident that women of Earth will be both interested in...

...and willing to experience insertion with him.

This man...

...is H-1 449-6.

Congratulations, H-1 449-6.

Or, as you'll now be referred to, Harold Anderson...

...from Seattle, Washington.

We've given you a wealth of information about Earth...

...but her people are unpredictable.

As with all alien cultures, there will be subtleties...

...which we couldn't prepare you for.

However, given your adaptability and your capacity for learning...

...we're certain you'll achieve your goal with ease.

The success of our planet's domination of the universe rests in your hands.

Thank you, sir.

If you go with these men, we'll arrange your transfer...

...and attach your penis.

We will begin our descent into the Phoenix area in about 30 minutes.

Flight crew will be by shortly to pick up all food and beverage items.

Thank you once again for flying Arizona West.

What is that?

What?

There. Inbound at our 2:00.

It's moving. -Tell me where to go.

Hydraulics?

Landing hydraulics okay. Wing and tail hydraulics okay.

We're losing altitude. -Air speed is dropping.

What the hell is this?

Collision alert. Collision alert.

It's on us!

Simple people. They're 1 000 years behind us.

They haven't figured out that round is the most efficient way to fly.

This will be a snap.

Remember, get a woman pregnant. -Give me two days.

Wait for the baby and then come back.

Whatever you do, don't let anyone know the truth.

We don't want another Roswell on our hands.

That happened because you made the mistake of sending H-228-J.

That guy was an idiot and not as handsome as me.

Nowhere near.

Hi. Hi.

Hey there. Hey, I like your shoes. -What?

Let me give you a hand.

Take your seat and fasten your seat belt.

" Rebecca."

I always wanted my children to have a mother named Rebecca. Interested?

Are you all right?

Well, to be honest, I am a little lightheaded from that perfume.

You smell nice.

Sir, if you don't take your seat, I'll report you when we land.

Ouch. Kitty likes to scratch.

Anyone sitting here?

Well, there is now. Hi.

You're shaking. -I thought we'd crash.

I like it when a woman shakes. Turns me on.

What?

I like your shoes. -Thank you.

And you smell nice. -Thank you.

Going to Phoenix on business or pleasure?

I'm going to see my husband.

He's a pharmacist. He works in the pharmaceutical industry.

We had a fight before this flight.

You shouldn't fly without saying "Sorry" or " I love you."

If I'd died, he'd still think I was pissed off.

Hey, watch the cart, man!

Do you want me to get you a copy of the FAA rules and regulations, asswipe?

I do my job, then you do yours. Stay out of my way!

They'll give anybody a fucking badge.

Hello, Mr. Jones. -What we got?

It could be bad air, but judging from what I've heard from the crew...

...it sounds a little out of the ordinary.

How long you been with the department? -Three months.

I'll do you a favour. It's never out of the ordinary.

It's either a flock of geese, a weather balloon...

...or if it's Friday, the crew is drunk.

Nadine, what'd I say about using this number?

I said never to call this number unless the house is on fire...

...and I don't hear a siren, so this better be good.

Yeah, I know today's our anniversary. What makes you think I forgot?

How do you know I'm not coming home with a bunch of flowers or something?

How do you know that?

Nadine, don't cry.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

A passenger shot some video when the incident took place.

You might want to look at it.

Get a list of passengers and crew. Check the cabin, write your report.

And if you see anything at all interesting, just remember:

It's not.

Well, Christmas is early this year.

You guys twins?

Asshole.

Can you contribute to the mission?

What can I get for 1 50 bucks, gorgeous?

What's that noise?

I don't hear anything.

It's coming from your pants.

There's something else that comes out of my pants. Want to see?

Keep the change.

Can I have your autograph? -What?

You are Miss America, aren't you? -Yeah.

Who are you? Mr. Universe?

Hey, where you headed?

Chicago.

That's attractive.

The Windy City. So what time's your flight?

Forty minutes.

I don't know what you're doing until then...

...but there's a Hilton across the street.

I don't know if they have a 40-minute rate or not, but...

...maybe we could--

Taxi!

I know who you are. -You do?

I know where you're from too.

Really?

New guy from Seattle. Commercial and home loans.

How did you know? -My gut.

Perry Gordon. Commercial and home loans too.

Nice to meet you. Harold Anderson.

Word is, you're some big banking kahuna from up north.

Your letters of recommendation were unbelievable.

They're not that great.

They were. I snuck into Mr. Fisk's office, read every single one.

Who's that? -That's Rita.

Office manager. I got her a job.

Smartest thing I ever did.

Is she-- -Too late. All mine.

She's a noisy one too. Thank God we work in a bank.

Close the vault door, nobody hears a thing.

She have a friend?

Don't know. When you want to hit the nightspots, call me.

Thanks. Great. How about now?

You're kidding, right? -No.

It's 1 0 a.m. You haven't met the boss yet.

So?

You got some balls on you. -I sure do.

Two of them, below my penis.

Listen.

I've gotta have sex right away.

I'm really, really horny.

I'm getting that. -Anderson?

Yes, sir?

I've been waiting for you. Don Fisk. Come on in.

Good morning, Mr. Fisk.

This way.

-as long as the contractionary British fiscal policy continues.

I can see we don't need any time to get acclimated.

Pretty girl.