Sorry For Your Loss

Yeah?

Hey, did you get my text?

Uh, I did.

Essentials, is that okay?

Anything's fine.

- Okay, perfect. - Actually, no. Get, um...

Promise Ultra. Promise Ultra.

Uh...

Okay.

You know, they say it's normal,

But I've had some crap come out of my vag'.

That's some real sci-fi shit.

- Are you trying to get me aroused? Because if you are, erection accomplished.

Hmm... sexy.

- How is he? - Almost out.

Dear Jesus, let him be out.

Oh, hang on. - Yeah, yeah.

Oh... what did she say?

Purpose... promise!

- Ken? - Yeah.

That was your mom.

It's your dad.

Why would my mom be...

Okay, Mom. Alright, me too.

Bye.

Did she say what happened?

Yeah, he has a... aneurysm.

- Ah! - Oh, sorry.

Boobs.

Do aneurysms hurt?

I have no idea.

You didn't pump?

- I fell asleep with the milker in my hand like some narcoleptic cow.

- That was my band's name in high school.

The Narcoleptic Cows.

I know you didn't talk much.

Or ever.

You think I should go?

To your dad's funeral?

Your... your dad's funeral.

- I know, but I mean, it's a last-minute plane ticket and--

- Who gives a fuck? It's your dad! It's your dad's funeral!

Yeah, you have to go! What are you, dead inside?!

Oh, hey, hey, hey...

It's alright.

It's these fucking hormones.

Is your mom gonna go? - Um...

I don't know. She doesn't really go anywhere.

- Promise me we'll never get divorced!

- It's a big ask, sweetie. - Promise me and when I die,

you fucking make our son go to my funeral, even if I was the worst mom in the world!

- There are a lot of assumptions there.

Ken, you listen to me, man!

I'm still as big as the house, and my boobs feel like cement and--

- Whoa, okay, okay, I promise. We'll go.

I'll bring my hot new girlfriend and... you know... what's his name, in the crib?

We really have to name him!

Are we like the worst parents ever?

Maybe top ten.

- Hey... - Mm?

Did you get diapers?

Did you ask me to get...

What are you doing?

- I don't know. It's been a while and...

I thought maybe this could, uh...

...cheer you up.

Oh...

Are you sure?

There...

Oh... a little cold.

- Ow, no! - Sorry. I forgot.

God, I...

...love your dick.

- Maybe we could, uh... try something a little more fun.

And time.

Wait, oh...

- Would you please get that, babe? I have to go swap out my pad.

Yeah, on it.

Okay, coming, you little... cock-blocker.

Ken?!

Listen, about that, um...

Ah, there's the little one!

Right where the corporate screen saver should be, huh?

- Yeah, I realized I didn't have any pictures on my desk, so...

- Ah, well, at least, it's not a YouTube video of the actual birth, am I right?

I guess.

- God, you know, I remember our first...

Up every 15 minutes, couldn't get any sleep,

the wife and I are at each other's throats...

- Yeah, I know what you're saying.

Sometimes, I just... wanna hop in the car

and drive till my whole life is just a memory fading in the rearview.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Ken, this is a... family company.

- Right, no, I just thought we were... uh...

Speaking of families, would it be okay if I took a couple of personal days?

I have a funeral. - Oh...

I'm sorry, who? - Uh, my dad.

- Bring it in here. Come on. - What?

- Come here. Come on! - Okay...

Okay.

- What happened? - Um... it's an aneurysm.

Those are awful.

- Yeah, I've heard they're-- - So when do you think you'll be back?

- Um... I can probably be back by Monday?

- Oh, well, at least, you're not gonna miss the wine and liquor convention, right?

God, doesn't it seem like we just had WIZDIC the other day?

Hey, listen, how's that PowerPoint coming?

- Good, good, good. I thought I'd just finish it on the plane.

- No, no, no. You are going to grieve on the plane.

- Right. - Of course, we do need it, so...

- Yeah. Do we need it, though? Just...

because, I feel like I... I do one every year.

And it seems like the client never actually looks at it.

- And the one time you leave your house

without your spare tire... - Is the time you get a flat.

Alright.

So look, do we send flowers

or is there some kind of aneurysm fun run?

The flowers works.

I'll see you in two whole days.

- Hey, and I sent you that list of names, just so you have it.

- Alright. - Oh, my God!

You're finally throwing him out!?

- He's just going on a trip and I'm seeing him off 1950's housewife style.

- Well, when the husband's away...

What time should I come over? - Any time is a good time.

- Okay... - You better hurry home, Daddy.

- Alright, try to get some sleep on the plane.

I should go.

- Okay. - Love you.

Um, hello!

Dad?

It's fine. He's not yours anyway! So...

Hi, are you here for Ken?

- Are you sure you're doing okay?

- Yes, you don't have to ask me that anymore.

It's not like you can miss something that was never there in the first place.

- Don't start. - I'm not starting.

- I did the best I could. - I wasn't talking about you.

- I worked incredibly hard to give you a good, normal home. Don't be so sensitive.

I'm not being sensitive.

You're being defensive.

So, how are the bar plans going?

Gastropub, watch out.

Uh... kind of on hold. I had a space picked out,

but money's a little tight since the baby came.

- It's a shame your father never got to meet his grandson.

Dare I hope there's a name?

- Working on it. - For the love of God!

- Okay, look, it's not like you come to visit anyway.

- Maybe if I were invited. - I shouldn't...

How about next month?

- Next month? It's our busiest time.

- Ah... busiest time in office management?

- Ah, it's pre-pre tax planning season.

Plus we have two birthdays and a retirement.

Can't imagine the mess I'd come back to.

Can't imagine.

Oh!

Wow, my ex-husband is dead.

Guess it's my turn next.

That's a happy thought.

Are you still... seeing that guy with the thing?

What's his name? Oscar.

- Oscar? No, he and his wife moved to Florida.

- Huh... - I'm joking.

He had a stroke. Everyone's dying.

- I think it might be... - Motherfucker!

So, where's the service?

Or should I guess?

- Welcome to Niakwa Golf and Country.

Would you like to sign the condolence book?

Oh, uh... sure.

Who gets this after?

Uh...

It condoles the family. Are you related?

- I am, yeah. I'm his son. - Dude.

- Oh, thanks. It's always nice to... hear...

Someone wanted to talk to you.

Mr. Kendall?

- I'm guessing you're Ken? Andy's son, hi.

Vince Kendall, your dad's attorney and part of his Friday foursome.

I guess not anymore, though.

I don't know why I said that.

- Your dad always told me about your great sense of humour.

Oh, he did?

- Hey! Why don't we go talk in the Hazelton room?

Yeah, the Hazelton room, named after Vic Hazelton,

great, great golfer, but an even greater alcoholic. And a mean alcoholic.

- Really? - I was afraid of him.

He once killed a horse with a 9 iron.

Well...

So I assume this is about my dad's will?

- The vultures are three deep at the bar, passed apps are almost gone.

I swear to God. Half those guys never even met Andy, but you put a pig in a blanket...

- Ken, Jeff Stedmon. Jeff's the executive of your dad's will. Jeff, Ken.

Ken, nice to meet you.

I'm sorry about your dad, but if I know Andy,

he's trying to dig Jesus for a 50-dollar Nassau as we speak.