Firstborn

Wait. Wait a second.

No class. Oh, yeah?

I saved some for you, that's class.

Did you spit in it?

No, I forgot.

Hey! Where'd you get those batteries?

What batteries? The ones that you're using.

I had 'em. You didn't have 'em last night.

I found 'em. You found 'em?

Yeah. You found them right out of my Walkman,

that's where you found 'em. Now give me those!

Don't break it. If you ever come in my room again,

then I'm gonna cut off your feet. No, you won't,

'cause then you would have to carry me to school.

Don't try and find out.

- Morning. - Morning.

Can I get you something, Bri?

- Wet Willie! - What's going on?

- Wait a minute! - What you gonna do, huh?

You're gonna drink this, pecker-head.

Booger brains. Oh good, nice talk, very descriptive.

Stop it! or wear it!

Oh, cool it. Would you guys get back in here?

Animals.

Brian, you didn't eat anything.

Yes, I did. No, you didn't.

At least have some milk, okay?

Uh, Brian, here, eat this on the bus, at least.

You eat it for me.

Come on, we're gonna be late.

You got it, you got it.

- What's up, boys? - How's it going?

Hey, Lee, the hell is in your ear, Lee?

Oh, no, did you do it?

Oh, my God! Oh! Did it hurt?

Oh, no. No. Did you get it in the right ear?

I hope.

Tasteful. What did your folks say?

They were happy. Happy?

Yeah, I told 'em I wasn't getting a Mohawk.

Hey! Hi!

I wouldn't be seen with this...

Hey, you know what my dad told me?

My dad said that we're gonna have, like,

undercover cops in every high school.

Oh, he should know, because he's a doper, I guess?

Shut up! Yo, I wonder who it is.

I was thinking it was you.

Morning, class.

Hope all of you have had a nice healthy breakfast

to fortify those active little minds of yours.

Books under your seats, pens and paper out for a little quiz.

Quiz?

Yesterday's assignment, remember?

You said it was optional.

Right, the assignment was optional.

You didn't have to do it, but I didn't say we wouldn't have a quiz, did I?

Well, you tricked us. Yeah, I tricked you.

But it's not fair!

Big news, Jill, life isn't always fair. That's part of the lesson.

Uh, this isn't supposed to be life.

How are we supposed to know what's what?

I mean, if you don't tell us.

You wouldn't have to worry about it, Beckman,

if you spent as much time studying

as you do stuffing your face.

Beckman.

Any other complaints?

Good. Let's take the quiz.

It's good.

Stay low. Stay low.

Bend your back! Bend your back!

Keep your hands on that stick!

Keep it going, guys! Keep that ball down.

Good scoop! Good scoop!

That-a-way! Play it out.

- All right! - Good scrimmage.

Take your time.

Look up, Field, there's an open man!

Come on! Keep it moving!

That-a-way. Good pass. Good pass.

Goal. Nice shot.

Not good enough, Why not?

Cause I wanna see it in a game!

- Yeah, come on. - Dude...

All right, food time. Ooh, yeah.

Hey, so what happened?

Yeah, so, Melanie's sporting a tube top, right?

And I go up to her, and I'm like, "'Sup?"

And she's looking right at it.

What? Oh, give me a break.

The noodle, the beef noodle.

The one-eyed snake with a turtleneck.

Yo, Brian, my man, what's up?

Hey, sit a little closer, huh, Brian?

Eleven-year-olds into heavy metal!

They don't even know. By the time they're our age,

they're gonna be biting the heads off chickens

and listening to Barry Manilow.

Barry Manilow? Will you explain that, please?

No, thank you.

Oh, God, they're closing in on us.

What do you want? Get outta here.

Chocolate chippers.

Here.

Well, Jeffrey wants one. Well, make him do a trick.

Yeah.

Make him speak.

Here, Jeffy.

Hey, can I have a hand out here?

Hi. Hi.

Hey, I thought we were going to get your learner's permit.

Yeah, right. You forgot?

Forgot? I did not forget.

Oh? till I get mine.

My parents will never sleep again. Hello.

Oh, looks like the Russian army stopped by for lunch again today.

Glad I went to the store.

Things got a little out of control.

Things got totally out of control.

Hey, let's go if we're going, huh?

Oh, yeah. Guys, I gotta split, okay?

Later, Chief.

All right, man. Thanks a lot.

Bye, boys.

Bye.

So, where to? Where are we going?

We'll go to your house.

Well, can I come?

Put on a clean shirt, huh?

- Can Jeffrey come? - No.

Guess not.

I can't believe it.

What's that? What?

You!

When did you get so big and good-looking?

And how'd you get so smart, huh?

Not from me.

My God, you're gonna be driving.

You're just gonna come home to change your clothes and eat, huh?

I'm never gonna see you again.

Don't get nostalgic on me.

Come here, hon.

Come on, let's go. Oh, too uptight to give your mom a hug, huh?

Who's uptight? Are you too cool for this stuff? Is that it?

What are you doing? Oh, I'm getting my hug.

Oh. Oh, come on, Jake.

Listen, this is the real stuff.

And don't you forget it.

Hmm.

If they're gonna be driving, I'm moving to Idaho.

So, what if I just wanna drive around the neighborhood?

Well, you can't drive without me in the car.

You can ride a motorcycle with a learner's.

Oh, they're too dangerous, honey.

Not a real big one, just a dirt bike.

Well, we'll see.

Yeah, that means "no way." Shut up.

Hey... Look, you're doing just fine.

Just take it easy, okay?

You take it easy.

Yeah, he drove all that summer; Dad let him.

Colorful guy. Yeah, and on the highway.

You little narc! Hey, stop it, both of you!

Both hands on the wheel!

All right. Look. Look. Want me to drive this car?

Jake, you can drive!

Ta-da. He can even drive with one hand.

I could ask him to turn it up.

Ask him to turn it up, maybe he'll turn it down.

Jake. Lisa.

Oh, Mom, look, uh, one sec.

We just have to put on our clothes.

Huh? Jake!

Shh.

Very funny.

Dinner's ready.

Now, not too much parmesan cheese on that, Bri.

How's your pasta, Jeffrey? Good.

You're not eating? No, I'm going out later.

With Russ?

Bri, I don't go out with Russ anymore.

Come on, you know that.

People can always change their minds.

Jake, I wish it was that simple.

So, who are you going out with?

Just some friends.

Oh, no, no, no, not all the windows, just in there.

Okay, still extra $25.

Just for the front? Great!

Hey, Bri, will you stop fooling around and clean your room, please?

Your dad's coming in town.

He is, today? Yup.

Here, you want windows, okay?

Yeah, yeah, that's okay.

Yeah, he called this morning. He sounded good!

Well, when's he getting in?

Hey, Dad's coming to pick us up for dinner,

and then he's going to Montreal.

Montreal?