Mike Epps: Only One Mike

What's up, D.C.?

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

-Don't slow down. -

What's up, D.C.?

Yeah.

You motherfuckers!

Where the sexy ladies at?

Where the sexy ladies?

[à la "If You're Happy and You Know It"]

Meet me behind this curtain right here for about five minutes.

I seen some guys clapping over there when I said that shit.

Yeah, D.C. up in the house!

Yeah, y'all got some sexy ladies up in this motherfucker tonight.

Yeah, there's a lot of ladies wearing them bodysuits on

and ain't got no body in here too.

You're looking like a wrestler around here.

You see when them big girls get out the car, the whole car get up like...

Wham!

Fellas, brush your teeth before you suck a girl's titties.

Now, I'm tired of it.

You done let a raggedy mouth nigga lick your titties.

Now your titties stink.

You're at work, don't know where you smell doo-doo at.

It's your nipple, bitch!

Fellas, cut your toenails.

You're trying to be sexy with a bitch and then cut her foot.

Fellas, stop putting that Bigen in your hair,

like these young girls can't tell you did.

Ain't y'all tired of these old motherfuckers trying to trick y'all?

I went to see Ginuwine. By the time he got to "Pony,"

I seen some black shit dripping right here.

By the time he got to the end of the concert,

he did a 360 and three Adidas stripes right here on his forehead.

Motherfuckin' hairline done changed too since we've been up here.

All these sexy ladies.

I like coming to D.C.,

looking at all these beautiful ladies sitting in the audience.

Yeah.

I go to some cities, it's hard to look in the fucking audience.

'Cause all the werewolves buy all the first front-row tickets.

Three rows of werewolves right in a fucking row.

And they in the front, "Woo!"

"Mike Epps!"

I'm like, "How'd these ugly ass bitches get front row seats like that?"

All the fine bitches in the back,

"Mike!"

Poorer than a motherfucker, "Mike!"

Yeah, I was just in Arkansas. Shit!

I don't know what the fuck. They ain't drinking water down there.

And two of the girls got backstage, they was like,

"What you doing after this?"

I said, "Going to bed.

I'm not fucking neither one of y'all. Security!

Two circles is back here bothering me.

Two Cheerios with legs and arms,

is back here fucking with me right now.

A grape and a marshmallow just left."

Ladies, stop putting them eyelashes on your car.

You want a motherfucker to respect you, but your car look like a ho.

Your car riding around trying to give that pussy away,

just blinking in the hood.

Niggas be like, "Man, I'll fuck that car when I get a chance."

Yeah, women ain't right.

They'll let you put your whole face in their ass and then say,

"You a nasty nigga."

You're like, "Hey!"

Now you're riding home smelling your top lip, mad.

You got a booty-hole mustache.

Spitting out the window.

I ain't never did that. I seen it on Lifetime.

I seen it-- Shut up, motherfuckers!

I seen it on the Lifetime channel. I ain't gotta sit there and lie to y'all.

Y'all looking at me like, "Oh, you done had your face in an ass or two."

Yeah, man. Shit.

It's cold outside. It's cold as a ho's heart outside.

Hell, yeah. I seen Ice-T and Coco. Man, I love Ice-T.

I've been looking at Ice-T since six in the morning.

You know what I'm sayin'?

I'm a big fan of Ice-T.

I seen him in the airport with his girl.

He's like, "Mike, we need to do a movie together."

I said, "All right." But in my mind I said,

"Man, they only give you two lines on Law & Order."

It's fucked up how they do Ice-T.

They done cut his ponytail and his lines.

I seen him on there the other night. He came on there,

"Homicide called this morning, said three kids missing."

I said, "Goddamn." The man said two words on there,

and then they cut him off.

He leaned over a dead body the other night and said, "Yep, that's him."

I said, "Oh, man. His ass is out of there."

Yeah, there's a lot of old men in here

'cause there's a bunch of Chryslers outside.

They've got Chryslers and Polars and Cordobas.

Yeah, I can tell I'm getting old

'cause I used to be able to piss from here to that wall right there.

Now I pee on everything...

toilet seat, floor, leg, foot, hand, wall.

You know, the older you get,

you get a built-in sprinkler system in your dick.

The hole be open, but it come out five ways.

That's why I tell fellas, "You'd better use your penis as much as you can

'cause it's gonna die before you."

Yeah, man, you keep living if you want to.

You gonna be by your motherfucking self.

Your dick gonna die, fellas.

So if a woman get mad if you ask for some pussy,

so fucking what!

I'm working on borrowed time down there.

Yeah, tell her. Shit. And women tell each other.

If your dick don't work,

they'll tell another woman in the community,

and the whole place--

Yeah.

And you can tell the women that heard about it

because they'd be looking at you going like that, "Huh!"

And you go, "Hey, that's the third fucking woman

that done said 'huh' to me. What the fuck is going on around here?

You didn't say something, Barbara?"

There's some old women running around and hate on each other,

hate on other old men and shit.

You be in the gym. You see them old men in the gym

trying to still keep it together. Got their little cocoa butter on.

I know y'all seen them little old men walking around.

Always got a saying.

"Life is not a rehearsal."

Get your old ass-- I ain't seen you lift shit.

And you know, other women come to the gym and they new, you know what I mean?

Here come one of them hater old women.

Woman talking about, "Girl, that's a nice looking old man right there."

And another woman walk up and say,

"Girl, you know his dick died two years ago?

Yep. I read it in the paper.

They said he beat it to death.

That's what they saying. I don't know. That's what I'm hearing."

Yeah, shit.

And, ladies, I know y'all--

Y'all don't even understand. Y'all pussy gonna live forever.

Long live-- Yeah, the pussy gonna live forever.

I seen it on 60 Minutes. They said--

Yeah, they said your pussy gonna live forever.

Long live the pussy!

But ain't no guarantee it's gonna look the same.

Now, ladies, do not fucking panic.

When you pull your pants down

and see that little man from The Lord of the Rings down there.

"Hello, hello, hello.

It is I, little precious."

Look down there and see a catcher's mitt and don't know what to...

You think your pussy gonna look young forever like you?

Cut it out.

It's gonna age like you, ladies.

I can tell I'm getting old

'cause I was playing ball with some young dudes the other day,

and somebody said, "Get Old School."

I said, "Who the fuck you talkin' to?"

They was talking to me.

Age is a motherfucker, ain't it?

'Cause you be looking in the mirror like, "I look good."

And when you go outside, they go, "You getting older than a motherfucker."

"I don't know what the fuck I seen this morning. Shit!"

I was playing ball with some young dudes. Man, we were playing and shit.

They don't like playing with older guys

'cause older guys like me, you know what I mean,

we don't play no defense 'til we hit a shot.

Soon as we hit, "Get back. Get back. Get your man. Get back."

"Man, get the fuck out of here. That's your first fucking shot today.

You telling a motherfucker to get back?

You get your old ass back."

Get back.

Every now and then, I have celebrities come to my show,

you know what I mean, support me.

You know what I mean, whether I like them or not,

but they be in the house.

Ladies and gentlemen, give a round of applause...

give a round of applause, let's clap it up.

Donald Trump is here tonight, y'all.

Niggas are like, "What? Where?"

There's some white people in here like, "Oh, God. For real? Serious?

He's here?"