2 Broke Girls

Earl, can I borrow your paper?

I want to check my horoscope

to see if I'll still be a whore in the future.

All right, who wants to go first?

Ooh, do me. Do me. Do me.

Can we have one night at the dinner

that doesn't end with you yelling that at a woman?

All right, I'll go.

“Gemini, The Twins,”

and they're both doing fine, so let's move on.

Han, what sign are you?

I'm guessing the 40-year-old Virgo.

Max, you don't need that paper.

I'll tell you what's in your future...

Using my name as a reference at Chipotle.

You guys really believe in that crap?

They just tell you what you want to hear.

“You will be rich. You will be famous.”

You'd think I'd buy a newspaper if it said,

“you will be a 75-year-old cashier”?

2 Broke Girls - 04x04 And the Old Bike Yarn

Okay, ready to open?

Never have been, never will be.

Let's do this.

Wait.

We have to do our business affirmation.

Please, God, don't let us be murdered in here.

All right, let's open 'em up.

- Oh, hell no. - Max.

Hang on. I wasn't done.

Oh, hell no!

Oh, she's yarn-bombing that bike.

It's whimsical. It's new.

It's stupid.

Graffiti, I get.

I see, “die, bitch. Die,” on a wall,

I think, “okay, this gentleman wanted to get that off his chest.”

but this yarn-ival is pathetic.

Yo, yarnie.

I have a name.

It's Guinevere.

Yep, that checks out.

What's happening over here?

Why are you molesting that poor bike?

Well...

I am beautifying the city

one living, glorious work of art at a time.

And tips are always appreciated.

Here's a tip:

Go back to school and learn a trade

before daddy's money runs out.

Well, I never...

Worked a day in your life, we know.

You think this is artwork?

Artwork is a Garfield mug, sweetheart.

You got Garfield in a hammock, saying,

“I'm not overweight. I'm under-tall,”

I'll build you a gallery right here.

Look, you should move on.

My friend doesn't want you...

How shall I put this?

Taking a giant knit in front of our shop.

What is the problem? It is not even your bike.

It's been chained here for, like, four months.

Oh, yeah?

Maybe it is our bike,

and we use it for deliveries

and to trap nerds.

Peace out, ganja beer,

before I knit you a noose.

Max, that was a great idea.

What, that she go back to school?

I know.

At least a couple night classes, right? Get around some people.

She's a lost cause. Let's move on.

I'm talking about us doing deliveries.

Why do we never deliver?

Speak for yourself. I've delivered.

Seriously, Max, those delivery services...

Eat24, Grubhub... do big business.

No one wants to go out now.

People are so lazy.

I don't really feel like it.

Seriously, Max, all we have to do

is slap a delivery charge on that product,

and suddenly, a $5 cupcake is bringing in more money.

And do you know what more money means?

No. How would I know that?

Okay, question:

Which of these goes better with no pants?

I don't know. They're both timeless...

As in, there's no time you should wear those.

You can't be objective.

You're like a kid in a candy store.

I'll ask Max.

Uh, well, the red one kind of matches your rash.

I think we have a winner.

So why are you trying out the fancy mesh tonight?

Well, even though Sophie and I are getting back together,

we wanted to make it special and hold off on the sexual part

of the relationship until tonight.

- That is so sweet. - I know.

I haven't even masturbated since right before I came in here.

So, Chestnut, I was buying some rolling papers

at the Bodega,

and I hope this is cool, but I said they were for you.

Max, I have good news and bad news.

The bad news is,

this is the only good news I've had in three years.

And the good news is...

You found yourself a new apartment?

Don't toy with me, woman.

Speak plainly and clearly.

Did you find a new apartment?

Close your eyes. I'll give you a hint.

Last time I was told to close my eyes,

I woke up in a bikini on a garbage barge.

P.S., closest I ever got to a vacation.

Oh, you're dating a clown?

Please, you know I would have told you

if I was dating someone who had a car.

Look, it's the abandoned bike from in front of the shop.

It was the bike from the front of the shop.

Now it looks like a contestant on RuPaul's bike race.

We're gonna use it to make deliveries.

I already signed us up for three delivery services.

Still crazy smart.

Waste of time.

Amazon's got drones,

and we've got one gay bike.

I don't want to do deliveries.

I got this. You bake, I'll bike.

And while you bike, I'll get baked.

I'm just gonna knock out these three “delivs”"

and I'll met you at the cupcake shop.

- “Delivs”? - You like “delivs”?

It's an “abbreve” I made up for “deliveries.”

You like “abbreve”?

It's an “AB” I made up for “abbreviation.”

I'm gonna make this short. Get out.

Hey, everybody.

Sophie, what do you think?

Aw, good for you, Caroline.

I've been saying that you should hop on something

pink and ride it since I met you.

Ah, Max, I'm so glad you're alone,

'cause I need some girl talk.

Okay, but the last time I did girl talk,

I got $3 for the first minute

and $1 for each additional minute.

No, it's about Oleg.

Last night, he was unable to...

Oh, what's a nice way to say this?

He couldn't get his soldier to stand at attention,

and his penis wouldn't work either.

Well, uh, have you tried buying

a Cosmopolitan magazine or something?

They usually have advice on sex stuff

and how to hate your body.

Max...

You don't think it could be me, do you?

No way, Sophie. You are hot.

Ah.

The first time Oleg saw you, his soldier not only saluted.

It exploded.

You're right. I am hot.

It's all him.

Remember when I said you didn't have to do deliveries?

You're gonna have to do deliveries, 'cause I only went two blocks,

and I'm sweating like Shia Lebeouf

at a dui checkpoint.

Okay, you deliver. I'll open the window.

But first, business affirmation.

Please, God, don't let us get pistol-whipped in here.

It's either that Guinevere or spider-man came out.

Caroline, can I talk to you about a private matter,

by which I mean the matter is my privates.

Okay, but hurry, Oleg.

I'm in the middle of a dream catcher situation,

and it's a nightmare.

And why me?

'Cause I trust and respect you

and I feel like you know your way around a limp penis.

Maybe.

I talked to my therapist...

Roy, you know, down at the Starbucks.

He told me it's all mental.

We didn't get much further than that.

He spilled a grande mochaccino on his sandals.

You're probably just scared.

Intimacy is so hard for some guys,

it's not hard for some guys.

Yeah, that's all over my head.

Oh, no, Max forgot the order slips.

Oleg, I'm sure it'll all work out.

Good luck getting your penne al dente.

Again, over my head.

Max, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

What am I doing?