The High Schooler's Guide to College Parties

You're a generation of lazy.

You haven't done anything for yourself.

But I'm gonna teach you how to do...

Chelsea...

Chels.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Mom and dad are outta town.

So you get me.

I don't need a babysitter.

Whatever.

Get ready for school.

Shaq...

This is the best vacation ever.

I can't believe you own this whole island.

You have to be the hottest,

most successful,

smart and funny guy I've ever met.

I'd do anything for you, Shaquille Horowitz.

And I mean anything.

I'm here to save you

from yourself

now, in the comfort of your home,

you can have...

"The winner's win, the losers whine" seminar.

Leaders of men, leaders of countries,

have taken the dynamic, fantastic course.

"Winners win, losers whine."

They've changed the course of countries.

Winners win.

You're the man. No...

No, you're the man.

Is that chest hair?

I think it might be.

I'm the only one in control.

I'm the only one in control.

I'm Wilford gates,

and I'm passionate about your success.

Gates?

You wanna give me the scholarship?

Shaq.

Uh, hey dad.

Hey. What...

What's going on with you?

Nothing.

Yeah, well, you look like

"honey, I shrunk my accountant."

Look dad, in order to be successful

one has to dress successful, so.

That depends on your definition of success, really.

Well, speaking of that, how's the job hunt going?

Oh, it's going... It's going...

Cause, you know, just got a couple of leads, but-...

I mean they're all- you know, they're all

multi-national corporations and things...

You know... It's-— I can't-

that's not-

you know... I mean seriously,

where are all the locally-owned companies?

You know, like, family business, you know.

Where are those things?

I can't... I can't...

I mean, you know me,

when I'm... when I'm looking at the...

And I see the- I can't...

So I'm just... I'm gonna keep looking.

Just keep- you know, like...

That's a good plan.

Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty good, pretty good.

I should go.

Yeah'? Oh yeah, you got school.

- Good... cool. Go. - See you later, dad.

Shaq, thanks. I'm glad we had this talk.

You can't be running around wearing skinny jeans,

having a haircut like a bad dyke from the '80s,

you have to embrace change.

You have to embrace the new you.

Otherwise you're gonna end up living under a bridge.

Do you wanna end up living under a bridge?

'Cause that's where you're headed,

unless you're ready to be successful.

You can't become successful by hating successful people. You have to embrace them.

You have to go out there, and you have to get what you want.

You have to live your life like you're...

Butt-faced again.

Woo-hoo.

Christ, you get a government job I don't know about?

Uh, no, I have a meeting with brew today.

Oh, yeah? Where at?

Cock in the box? Cock fillet?

Kentucky fried cock?

McCockles? McCockles, really?

Oh, I should've stopped at cock in the box, huh?

Yeah. You need to be nice to him.

Dude, the guy's a cock gobbling tool

who thinks he's better than everyone else.

- No, he's successful. - Yeah, at gobbling cock.

Seriously, don't fuck this up for me. Please? I really want this scholarship.

I thought you were going to community college with me and Chelsea.

Well, I was, but that was before

I could afford to go to SMU.

With the scholarship, I can afford to go to SMU.

Dude, I can afford it, but you don't see me

running off to some fancy college

to get with a bunch of pod people

and leaving my friends.

You have a 1.75 GPA,

you're lucky to get into community.

I don't test well. And you know that.

Did you at least remember to get the costume?

Yeah, it's in the back. You?

Yeah. What's yours?

Oh, man. It's a pussy magnet.

Wait till you see.

What the fuck?

Hey, I picked up a shift this morning.

Can you take Sage to school?

Yeah, no problem.

Okay, don't let your retard friend say anything

that's gonna scar her, all right?

She's only 11.

They're not retarded. Shell be fine.

Who's retarded?

Hey, sweetie, you need to ride with Chelsea

to school today, okay?

What?

I don't wanna ride her and her freak friends.

You don't have a choice, babe.

I can ride the bus.

Not in this neighborhood, you can't.

We learned about self-defense in gym class.

Testicles, throat, eyes.

You're riding with your sister today. Deal with it.

But sideshow smells like spoiled lunch meat.

Hey, this should go without saying,

no smoking weed with her in the car.

Weed? What is this weed you speak of?

Seriously, a joint'?

It's like 8:30 in the morning.

All right, first of all,

it's medical.

I have anxiety issues and you know that.

Whatever, I just don't wanna smell

like that stuff all day.

Hey, is that Van Horn?

Yeah, I think so.

What's up fellas?

Whats up?

You bussing it'?

Yeah, uh, my car is in the shop

till this afternoon. It's a long story.

Fucking stop sign was behind a tree.

Nice mouth. What's up with the Amber alert?

That's chin chin, she's my girlfriend.

Chin chin, say hi to my friends.

Nice. Where'd you pick her up, a "Harry Potter" book signing?

Man, fuck you, sha-queer.

She's hot as fuck, man.

And you're just jealous 'cause the last time you felt vagina.

You were being born out of your mother.

And that's disgusting.

Nice car.

- Thanks. - Can I drive it?

- Uh, sure. - No, no, you can't.

- What's the big deal? - Megan's law.

We should really git going.

Okay, can we at least get a ride? You got room.

Seriously?

Fuck you, sha-queer. Fuck you, too.

He's a douche bag.

Dude, whoa. Be cool.

I won't be cool, he's a douche bag.

- Yeah, but you know he's... - He's what?

- He's got the... - What?

He's kinda... He's handicapped.

What? So he gets a free pass because of that?

That guy walks around like he's king,

but he's really just a douche bag.

And by the way, they don't say, "handicapped,"

they say, "physically challenged."

Are you sure? I think handicapped is okay.

No, it's not okay.

- Th ey still call it "handicap parking." - No, they don't.

What up. Peeps?

Shaq, can you check out my printer?

Uh, sure.

You told Chels to get Shaq out of the way

so we could be alone, didn't you?

You know guys hit their sexual peak at '18, right?

I'm sitting right here, moron.

I can understand every skeezy word you say.

Sweetie, you understand

many, many more words than Marion.

Marion?

It's sideshow.

The name's sideshow.

- Hey... - Hey.

You.

Uh...

Scene of the crime.

- Yeah... - That's nice.