Here and Now

Ramon.

She looked like she was in some old Mexican movie,

but she wasn't speaking Spanish.

I don't know what language it was,

but she says my name... Uh-huh.

...and then she just rips her fucking face open.

Wow. Wow, you're way deeper than I am.

I just dream I'm at work with no pants on.

Yeah.

Do you have a boner? In the dream or right now?

Either. No, sadly.

You're a tease. You're a tease.

You wouldn't know what to do with me if you had me.

You're probably right. You give up to easy. You give up to easy.

That was weird. What?

That was really weird. I just felt like something grabbed my head

and turned me, so that I would look at that clock,

like it wanted me to see that clock.

What wanted you to?

Wait. 11:11, doesn't that mean something?

Uh, yeah. I mean, it sounds like it should,

right, because of 9/11, 7-Eleven.

Yeah.

My pants are vibrating.

Now who's the tease?

Hmm?

- Hey, Mom. - Sweetie.

I need you to do me a big favor today.

Mom, put him on speaker. I... I don't, uh...

It's this new phone. I... I have to...

You don't know how to connect to Bluetooth.

Okay, this is why millennials are so angry.

You're not a millennial. They haven't even named your generation yet...

Hello?...although I have a couple of suggestions.

What, "stupid cunts"?

Hello? Ramon, Ramon, on your way over tonight,

I need you to stop by the dry cleaners

and pick up Dad's gray silk blazer I want him to wear.

Mom, seriously?

Please don't make me bring up who pays your rent.

Mom, can you at least put him on speaker?

You're about to get a ticket!

You want me to bike four and a half miles with the dry cleaning?

Of course not. Take an Uber, use my account.

- Okay. Ram? - Yeah.

Can you come like half an hour early?

I need to talk to you about something. It's really important.

Why can't you talk about it in front of me?

Uh, because I am my own person who's not you

with my own boundaries and everything. We actually exist.

Can you do it? Please say yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Yeah. Yeah. I will. I will.

Ah! Okay. I love you. Bye. Oh, oh, oh!

What if I wasn't done with him? You were.

Sorry. It's okay.

Where were we? Oh, we were flirting...

like we've been doing every day since I started working here.

Right. Right.

Um, what are you doing tonight?

I get off at 5:00.

My mom is actually throwing a birthday party for my dad,

and I have to be there. Can I come?

That would be weird.

Why?

Mm-hmm.

Brian, customer needs assistance with the piñatas.

Ta-dah!

You're going to make us eat with wooden forks?

Bamboo is sustainable. The world is bigger than us.

Oh yeah, we've fucked that beyond repair.

It is too late to stop climate change. That ship has sailed.

Thank you for that, by the way. Sweetie, remember,

thoughts create reality.

Mom, we should all wear horse heads tonight,

like the entire family,

but then act like it's totally normal.

If anyone asks us, just be like, "What?

What horse heads?"

Are you high?

Sweetie.

Mom, you should be glad that I smoke pot,

because if I didn't, I would be bipolar, and I'm not kidding about that.

Sweetie, your brain is hardly even formed yet.

Did you smoke pot when you were my age?

Ah... I also did LSD,

which can actually trigger psychosis in rare cases.

Does that mean you should do it?

Maybe.

You know how much I regret smoking pot.

I'm sure it's the reason for my compromised attention skills.

Mom, you do not have ADD.

Let's leave any diagnosis to me, okay? Fine.

I'm the professional.

You just try to do more than one human could possibly do,

so of course you're overwhelmed.

But it's not a condition. Not everything is a condition.

It's too late for any of it.

It's too late for me to have children.

I mean, I know I could adopt, but...

it's too late spiritually.

It's too late for me to leave Carl,

even if I knew that's what I wanted to do,

because it's much too late

for me to meet a man I might actually be compatible with.

Because even if such a man did exist, he's...

married and old, and probably dead.

But, Lydia, you're alive.

And is this how you want to live?

Mourning imaginary lives you'll never have?

No.

Can you change the past?

No.

Does the past exist? Here, now?

No? What exists?

Right now?

Precisely. Um...

Right now. Okay, I'm thinking.

No, right now, that's what exists.

Right now is all that ever exists.

Well, my old therapist told me that...

grieving was important. Yeah? When did she tell you this?

Well, I quit seeing her about three years ago.

And how has three years of grieving worked out for you?

Oh my God.

Those three years I could've been doing...

Those three years are never coming back, Lydia.

Never. No matter how much you cry.

What exists?

Right now.

Right now.

So, until next week...

See it, want it, have it.

Good.

Oh.

Ready, Brandon?

I'm on time this week. I appreciate that.

When it becomes the norm,

that's when it'll be an accomplishment.

Great.

What do you notice about this picture?

Um...

Men do not like to look other men they don't know in the eye,

so on male models,

everything above the mouth is cropped out.

It's so the male consumer doesn't feel challenged.

Okay. Now, how much time did it take you

to decide to put this hat on Randy?

I bet you went through a lot of options.

I understand you were in the accessories vault for half an hour.

- I'm a good stylist. - You have potential,

but you are slow, and you waste time...

like with this hat thing today.

Well, if they're not supposed to wear the hats,

why are there so many of them in the accessories vault?

Because we sell them.

But hats, gloves, belts, socks

are shot off-figure,

not on models.

Have you seen the web site?

Yes.

Okay, go back to work.

You just destroyed that poor girl.

If that's all it takes, I'm sorry, she needs to be destroyed.

She'll probably end up giving blow jobs for meth money

trying to erase the pain of this day.

Let me know if she does anything else stupid,

and help motivate her to be faster if you can.

I'm sure you can.

Oh. Duc.

Hey, want to go out for drinks before Dad's thing tonight?

Oh God, yes, let's get fucked up.

Cooper's Hall, 5:30?

You're on.

I have blow.

Michael. Doc Boatwright.

Recognize this?

I always wanted a first edition,

and I finally found one on Bonanza.

Look at that.

Hmm. Will you sign it for me?

Of course.

You're, uh, well, my biggest inspiration,

which you already know.

The way you marry Epicureanism with presentism,

and then reboot them both into something so deeply, deeply moral...

As if morality matters.

Fuck those idiots who called it an ethical defense of hedonism,

which... wow... it boggles my mind

anyone would ever interpret it that way.

You are a rock star.

I'll let you get back...

You know, it's my birthday today.

I'm... 60.

No way.

There's a party later. You... you got plans?

Kristen, come down here and help me!

I would certainly fuck me.

Kristen, now!

I didn't understand a word.

Are you making them leave because you don't want people to know the party's catered?