Richard Pryor - Live and Smokin'

I'm very happy to be on film,

and a motherfucking live audience.

I'm really nervous, 'cause I ain't had no cocaine all day.

Love cocaine.

I don't know what I'm going to talk about, but I have a list.

No, it's exciting.

I'm very excited and stuff, I'm glad y'all didn't move,

a lot of y'all.

But I imagine a lot of y'all will be leaving during my shit,

but that's cool, too.

'cause that shit'll be in the film.

And, I'd like to... I hope I'm funny and shit,

you know, 'cause, you know, just to be a nigger

standing up here and just be sayin' nothing...

ain't shit.

But, I hope my shit is funny.

And I like to.

I always wanted to do that, man.

No, white dudes used to do that in gym class after they

take a shower.

They come out of the shower and be going,

"Hi, Dick. Can you do that?"

"No, but I will tomorrow, motherfucker. "

You gotta process and shit, you know.

Be Puerto Rican.

You can be Puerto Rican with a process in the Midwest.

Puerto Ricans was famous.

Not like in New York.

No, 'cause they got a lot of Puerto Ricans in New York,

but in the Midwest they don't have many Puerto Ricans.

They have, like three, in the whole Midwest.

I was one of 'em.

I was jivin'.

But I had my shit together, man.

Got some pussy too.

Only thing that gave me up when I was coming,

"Oh, shit!"

"That's not Puerto Rican. "

I always wanted to be something.

I never wanted to be white.

Hope not out of line.

No, I always wanted to be something different, you know,

than a nigger, 'cause niggers have it so rough.

I tried to be, you know, a black cat with neat hair.

I thought that was the problem, the hair.

I said, if my hair was straight, then whitey'd dig me.

So I got a process.

Wrong.

I lived in a neighborhood with a lot of whorehouses.

Ah, not many candy stores or banks.

Liquors stores and whorehouses.

You know, niggers love to drink.

They say.

No I went through, like, white neighborhoods,

you have banks and shit.

You have to go four miles to get some liquor.

Niggers can get liquor, just walk outta the house,

"Oh, this a liquor store. Eh, OK."

And I remember tricks used to come through our neighborhood,

that's where I first met white people.

They come down through our neighborhood

to help the economy.

Nice white dudes, though.

'cause I could have been a bigot.

You know what I mean?

I could have been prejudice.

I, I could have been prejudice.

I could've been, man, but I met nice white men,

"Hello, little boy. Is your mother home?

I'd like a blowjob. "

I wonder what would happen if niggers go through

white neighborhoods and doin' that.

"Hey, man, is your mama home?

Tell the bitch we wanna fuck. "

"Ah, I'll see.

She says you have to come back after lunch. "

I got get my belt.

I gotta be cool when you be on film.

Nigga gotta have belt in loop.

Above suspicion.

Is my make-up looking OK?

I think it's very exciting.

I don't know about you all but I like being on film.

I always wanted to be in the movies myself.

Like Johnny Mack Brown.

Y'all don't remember Johnny Mack Brown?

You ever saw Lasch LaRue?

Dude was cool for a faggot.

Fuzzy Cool Jones was his main man.

It was exciting.

I saw them at a state fair in Springfield, lllinois,

that's why they...

Why you lookin' at my dick, man?

Oh, you're not... ah you're certainly not looking that long.

I mean its not true what they say about colored guys.

People believe that.

"You colored guys really have big ones, don't you?"

"Yea, wanna see, it's... "

I'd expose myself but too many white ladies in the audience.

They'd be goin',

"I thought colored guys were built better than that. "

I always wanted to get some 'cause I like watchin'

the tricks getting' pussy, right.

I use to peek through, like, the keyhole.

You can't peek through a keyhole, right,

'cause your head keep hittin' the door.

Ya have to look over the transom and shit, right.

And the tricks would be fuckin', right.

They be "Oh, oh, gosh, golly ma'am, it's really good,

it's really good. "

And the whores be going, "Ah-h, shit baby.

Ah-h, god damn that.

Ah-h, shit.

Yea, honey, ain't no white man ever fuck me like you, baby.

Ah, goddamn. "

It was weird.

I remember white dudes used to come down,

"Do you have any girls here that cover you with ice cream?"

"And little boys that lick it off?"

He was the mayor.

I lived in what you call, the ghetto,

as Elvis Presley "In the ghetto.

I may look white but wait till tonight, I'm a nigger. "

But I grew up, ah, I learned about white folks.

'Cause I use to eat with a white friend of mine,

Dickey Lemon, had a white friend.

White folks eat quiet.

I learned that.

No, they do.

"Pass the potatoes, darling. "

"Thank you, dear. "

"My, that smells scrumptious. "

"Here you go, young fellow.

And how are you doing in those grades, Dickey?

Well, you must keep your marks up, you know. By gummy. "

"Are we having sexual intercourse this evening,

darling?

I was hoping I could insert my penis into your vagina.

Well I can't?

What the heck. "

Niggers made noise when they ate.

My daddy, man, he pitched a bitch,

"Say bitch, where the food?

Well goddamn, I'm-a come on.

Shit.

What, you wash your hands, boy?

Yea, the nigger's hands wash, mamma.

Shit.

We're ready t'eat.

Damn.

I'll git.

All you motherfuck.

Goddamn. Goddamn.

Shit, ya pass shit nigger go for yourself.

Motherfucker.

Motherfuckin' shit. "

My daddy suckin' a bowl and shit,

"Oh, goddamn,

nigger you better get that meat outta there, motherfucker.

Look-it, look-it, there's some meat in there, nigger.

Shit.

Look down in there, boy.

Look-it there.

Mother. Shit. You can throw shit away, nigger,

shit, better eat with your white friends. "

It was exciting. HA-HA-HA.

It was, though.

It was exciting.

I'm glad I'm black, 'cause, I'd hate to be white,

'cause y'all got to go to the moon.

Ain't no niggers going to the moon, you know that.

First of all, ain't no niggers qualified, so y'all tell us.

So we ain't go to be worried about that.

Niggers was hip, they'd help y'all get to the moon.

"Hey, man, let's organize and help them white motherfuckers

get to the moon so they'll leave us alone... "

But I don't hate white folks.

No-siree-bob.

One of my great-great grandparents was white.

I'm sure of it.

'Cause I know I didn't look like this when I came from Africa.

You know what I mean?

I'm afraid you do.

But I like white women.

That's my only... I have a white women disease.

I could be a revolutionary.

But I like white women with big titties.

You know, 'cause they have titties that have skin

when you rip their clothes off,

"Bitch!" rip.

You know, and their titties pop out.

And they come so loud.

That's great.

"A colored man, what have I done?"

And you can do your black shit,

"This is for the Congo. "

Then, ah. Fuckin' was always the thing, you remember that?

You could never get no pussy in the 50's,

'cause all the girls had the disease call "the virgin. "

"I'm a virgin!" DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DAAA!