Norsemen (Vikingane)

...:::"NORSEMEN":::... SEATON...01 EPISODE...0

What the fuck is...

Inbred bastards!

Come on.

Turn that frown upside down.

Smile to the world. That's all there is to it.

I was awakened by two filthy men relieving themselves in my mouth!

I think I may have swallowed some of it.

Number two?

What? No!

Then you've got nothing to be down in the mouth about.

Pee straight from the source is perfectly sterile.

Doesn't taste half bad either.

It actually does. It tastes extremely bad.

You'll soon learn to love these small gags.

You have to take your hat off. The Vikings are real creative in that area.

I'm not taking my hat off to being pissed in the mouth!

I'm not doing that.

OK, keep it on, then.

You cheap whore!

-No! -Stay down!

No, you killed my husband!

Just penetrate me, but spare the children!

I think I need a break, or something.

A break? I didn't even know we had started.

Grab some water or something, I...

OK. This is just stupid. Huh?

I started thinking too much and got all stressed.

OK, everyone just get up! The new husband is failing as usual.

It just hangs there like a snail.

I'm really sorry. As I said, I started thinking too much.

I forgot to feel, and got all stressed.

I mean, everyone here at the farm is doing everything they can to accommodate you.

And it still isn't enough. What's wrong with you?

I was just trying to get in the mood. It was an experiment, you know.

I know that your sexual experience only consists of brute force and rape.

So why this isn't good enough, you really have to explain.

Well you know, with them it was...

They meant nothing to me, so. And with you, we're married.

And I suppose we are, well, we are very much in love.

-I think you're so pretty, and... -That's really sweet.

-You think so? -Yeah.

You want to know what I think?

I think it's extremely embarrassing.

For everyone.

And it's all your fault.

You're not running off to the archery field, Arvid!

There's a lot to do on the farm today! Arvid!

Imagine, guys.

My last day as a slave.

I've toiled for over twenty years.

And today, once I return my ax to the toolshed,

I'm a free man.

-What are you planning on doing? -Where should I start?

I want to sample everything life has to offer.

Soak up impressions.

Especially visual impressions.

You've always been an aesthete.

I love looking at things.

To stare.

Glance. Gaze. Squint.

Glare and gawk.

Ogle.

Study. Observe. Eyeball.

And finally learn to read.

These two eyeballs sure are going to be used!

Arvid!

Hey, what is that?

I don't see anything.

Yeah, yeah. There are two very sharp objects

zooming towards...

You have to learn how to communicate!

-That's what you do in a relationship! -

They were arrows!

In the name of Loki!

Do something.

Pull them out.

No, don't pull them out!

-They have barbs. -You can't know that.

Anyway, you can't walk around with two arrows sticking out of your head.

Listen to him. I mean, it'll be too much of a hassle.

Imagine sleeping on your stomach. It would be impossible.

A lot of things would be impossible.

They have to come out, OK?

Just take it easy, now. Take it easy. Take it easy.

We're going to save your vision, OK?

It'll be easier if you stop squirming. Trust us now. On three.

One, two, three!

I...

I can't see anything.

Was the operation a success?

No, it wasn't a success at all.

It's awful. I can see straight into your head.

You were right about those barbs, though.

Did you just come from the forest?

-All alone? -Yeah.

-No guards? -Nope.

-Why didn't you run away? -Run away? Why would I run away?

I'm here of my own free will.

What do you mean?

I was freed in the mid '80s, I think. '86.

Huh?

It just felt so wrong for me out there. I mean, everything goes so fast.

It's just a totally different pace out there.

OK.

I feel better in the strict confines here.

-So you've been institutionalized right? -Yeah.

I mean, there's no better feeling than doing

backbreaking work for someone else without pay.

-So a lot of things feel better than that. -I seriously doubt it.

Anyway, just give this time. I guarantee you're gonna love it.

Yeah?

Where's that miserable slave who's responsible for my fireplace?

It's freezing in here! I prefer it more temperate.

Yes.

Find him immediately!

This is gonna cost him an ear!

He's gone!

-He's gone? -Nowhere.

-Can't find him. -Blow the horn.

Ragnar, Frøya, look for tracks on the north side.

Viljar, you bring two guys, see if there are any boats missing.

Arvid, you stay with me. Let's find this miserable slave.

Arvid?

What in the name of Loki do you think you're doing?

-Going on a raid. -Going on a raid?

Not a real raid. It's kind of a mini-raid.

A slave has escaped, so we have to find him and bring him back.

So that date we set up ages ago

to share a horn of mead with Ansgar and Lone

to discuss odes and poetry suddenly isn't important anymore?

-Was that today? -Yeah, that was today.

So you can just forget about this sword fight or whatever it is.

But Chieftain Olav needs me. You need me.

Olav, seriously?

Look me in the eye and tell me you can't find one puny little slave without Arvid.

Of course we can. Of course we can. No problem.

But Ansgar and Lone are the lamest couple ever. I don't even know them!

That's kind of the point. That you get to know some of my friends

so we can find some couples to hang out with.

This is actually quite important.

Finding couples to hang out with is important!

To do something social together.

And now you're going to mope

and you're the one who broke the agreement!

We found his tracks! He's heading north through the forest!

From below the dragon

dark comes forth,

Nithhogg flying from Nithafjoll;

The bodies of men on his wings he bears,

The serpent bright: but now

must I sink.

Look, goose bumps.

That was lovely, Orm.

That was so powerful. I'm totally spent.

Cheers, everyone. So glad you could all make it.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

Everyone was supposed to bring a poem special to them.

So, maybe Arvid you can read yours? Do you have a poem dear to your heart?

I don't know that many poems, but I have written one myself.

-Oh, good, good, good! -I don't know if it's any good.

-Don't sell yourself short. -We're looking forward to this, Arvid.

I'll bet there's a real poet hidden under that rough surface.

Give us some poetic fodder to chew on, Arvid.

Show us there's something going on inside that warrior skull of yours.

-Here goes. -When you're ready.

One, two, three

Take out your wee-wee

Four, five Grab your bride

Six, seven, eight

Open up her gate

I think maybe I'll just stop you there.

Nine, ten

Fuck her then!

Help!

Help!

I've been held captive by barbarians on the other side of the mountain.

You wouldn't believe what kind of people they are. They keep slaves!

-Really? -Yes.

And not just me. There are many.

-The sanitary conditions are terrible. -You are safe here.

Thank you.

Come with me. I'll get you some warm food and a nice bed.

...on men's lives.

The wound-sea roared on the headland of swords.

The flood of barbs fell down on the shore of Stord.

That's lovely.

That's what I call true poetry, Arvid.