Carry On Cruising

Well, gentlemen, here we are just

about to set sail on another cruise.

For ten years we've run this ship together,

steadily increasing our reputation as the most efficient crew afloat.

Together, that's the word.

We know each other.

Ten solid years of mutual knowledge, and

that in itself makes for efficiency.

And enables me, as I look at all your familiar

faces, to come to the point and say...

- Who are you? - Your First Officer, sir.

You're not. Foxton is. What's happened to Foxton? Is he ill?

- What's he got? - Eight draws, sir.

I should be so sick.

I'm your emergency replacement, sir.

Marjoribanks.

On transfer from the Wrens?

They told me you were a pretty wit,

sir. It's pronounced Marchbanks.

At your service, sir.

What are you laughing at?

Nothing.

- Who are you? - Marjori... The ship's doctor.

- Impossible. - It's not impossible at all.

I have certificates to prove it. Have I not?

- I'm certified, I am. - You look it.

- Thank you. - A wit. They were right.

- Shut up. - Sir.

- Binn? - No, that's the trouble.

Well, I haven't been regular, lately, you see.

So, therefore, I prescribed myself a sea voyage and the exercise.

That's why I'm here, actually.

- Say "sir". - You say "ah".

Good gracious me. I do not like that green fleck in the eye.

Never mind about his eye. Where have you sprung from?

Oh, er... Consolidated Marmalade.

I was the factory's Medical Officer, you see.

- Where's Dr Jepson? - Consolidated Marmalade.

This eye? Is it this eye? Are you sure?

Yes, that's the one.

You see this here, sir? Green as grass in there.

Too much chlorophyll in the toothpaste.

Watch it.

- Sir. - It's all very unsettling, this.

All these changes made behind my back.

Pardon?

- My back. My back. - Probably overdoing it?

- I'll massage your clavicles. - You will not.

Now, where was I?

You were getting to the point, sir.

Oh, yes, yes.

Now, if this voyage turns out to be

as successful as all the others,

don't be surprised if, after our return, I ask each of you to...

Excuse me. Could you direct me to the kitchen?

I'm new, you see. Sorry to interrupt

you, but I've been all over the boat.

- Ship. - Who cares, as long as it floats?

I've been down the sharp end and the blunt end,

and I've been down as far as it's possible to go.

But I keep on finishing up ankle-deep in mucky water.

- Bilge. - Ooh. No need to be rude.

- Who are you? - Well, make a wild guess.

Wilfred Haines, Captain. You'll find me on the list.

What happened to our regular ship's cook?

Perhaps he got fed up.

- Fed up. That's good. - Belt up.

- What's your story? - I'm the son of a sea cook.

The original one, to look at you.

Thank you.

No, I've always wanted to go to sea.

Thought I'd follow my father's wake, as it were. See?

All I want to see is that this crew finishes

up the most efficient that we've ever had.

If it is, when we return, I expect to be given

command of the company's new Atlantic liner.

Which means I will have to select my own

crew, and that could be you. All of you.

- All right, dismissed. - Oh, good.

Except you, you and you.

Now, then. I am going to be blunt

and make some very cutting remarks.

On the face of it, that's a contradiction in

terms. But English is a very curious language.

If you interrupt me once more, Mr... Mr...

Marjoribanks, sir.

Thank you. If you interrupt me once more, mate,

you'll hear some really curious language.

Now, then. I have slugged my way up

from nothing to get where I am today.

But there are some copper-bottomed gentlemen on the board

who still think it's dead wrong for an

H-dropper like me to be a ship's captain.

And they would scuttle me if they had half a chance.

And that is why I have built this whole crew

round me, so they don't get the chance.

That is also why I get nervous when I see new faces.

Your faces are new. So I'm nervous.

To me, you look like disaster on six legs.

Prove I'm wrong. That's all I ask.

- Clear? - As day.

- As an X-ray. - As soup.

- Who are you? - Me, sir? Turner, sir.

- Turner? - Turner, sir.

- What are you doing here? - Head barman, sir.

You can't be head barman. Angus is my head barman.

- Not any more, sir. - Not any more?

They can't do this to me. Changing the

barman? It's like ripping out the engine.

What has happened to Angus? Don't tell me

he got married and swore off the booze?

- How did you guess, sir? - Oh, no. Not Angus.

He's the only one... Do you know how to mix my favourite drink?

- What's that, sir? - The Aberdeen Angus.

No, but you've only got to tell me...

But I can't tell you.

Only Angus knows it. Didn't he tell you the secret?

Didn't he give you the recipe for the

drink that's got a kick like a steer?

No.

The whole cruise... without an Aberdeen Angus

kicking about inside me. I'll go barmy.

Hello, hello. Well, this ain't the kitchen, is it?

I should say not. It's the Captain's night cabin.

Oh. Cosy.

Distinctly cosy, yes.

Er... Do you know where the kitchen is?

Afraid not, sir. I'm a stranger round here myself.

Another new face? Poor fella. You'll cop the lot.

Oh. Morning, sir.

Don't tell me. You're my new steward?

Lovell has broken his leg?

You've only done three trips.

All from Tower Bridge to Margate.

You're dead right, sir. How did you know?

I'm psychic.

- Tom Tree, right? - That's right, sir.

Branches everywhere.

I twig.

We're moving.

- Oh, Glad. - Oh, Flo. We're moving.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Who are we waving to? - I don't know.

- Oh, Flo. - Oh, Glad.

- Let's go up the other end. - Right. Oh.

Sorry, ladies. I didn't look where you were going.

Do you think he drives the boat?

He looked more like the conductor.

- Ooh. - There, ma'am. Is that better?

Yes, thank you. What is it I'm standing on?

A bollard.

Oh. Fancy.

- Hey. Are we moving? - That's right, chief.

Yeah, you know I thought I felt so...

Here, is something up, chief? Surely you're not seasick?

But, chief, we've hardly left shore.

Yes, yes, yes.

Ah. Now that looks very comfy.

Yes, just the sort of thing I need for the exercise.

Right. Never too early to start.

Argh.

Help. Help. Doctor. I want a doctor.

I could use one myself.

What's the trouble?

- Seasick? - Terrible.

- You don't look seasick. - Well, I'm not up here.

- Where are you seasick? - Down below.

- What do you mean? - Out of sight of sea and sky.

Doctor, could you look at my green eye? I'm worried.

- No, don't. Please. - Don't be silly.

Don't shut the door. As long as I can see the sea, I'm all right.

It's only when I go down below my tummy starts doing the twist.

For Mrs Beeton's sake, please help.

Marjoribanks, shut the door, will you?

- No. No. - Be quiet, you gastronomic goon.

Do you want the whole ship to know you're seasick?

Doctor, you must do something. I mean, what a start,

if the cook can't cook cos the quack can't cure him.

I'll cure him or kill him. Ooh.

All right, come here.

No, let me see the sea, please.

All right, have a look at the sea, then.

- I hesitate to interfere... - Go on hesitating.

I was going to suggest a traditional cure for mal de mer.

I don't happen to be treating a mare.

Excuse me.

- Here, cooky. - Thanks, cocky. I mean docky.

That'll soothe your nerves.

Water, nurse. I mean Marjoribanks.

Was that the kill or the cure?

This happens to be the first of three stages.

Three stages?

I'm all right now. Ooph.

These tablets will counteract the somnolent

effect of the mixture and give you energy.

Now er... just a little shot er... to...

increase the value of both treatments.

- Roll up the sleeves. - No, thanks.

I can't bear to see the needle going in.

Oh. Well, there's only one other place available. Drop 'em.