The Wonder Years

What would you do if I sang out of tune?

Would you stand up and walk out on me?

Lay out on me your ears and I'll sing you a song.

I will try not to sing out of key.

Oh baby, I need a little help.

I need a little help from my friends.

I said I'm gonna give you half.

I need a little help from my friends.

We'll be right back.

There's a lot of great records in sports.

Rocky Marciano fought to victory in 49 straight heavyweight prize fights.

The University of Oklahoma won 47 college football games in a row.

But in the annals of sports, there was one record that surpassed them all.

One destined to go unbroken for time immemorial.

Arnold wins!

The crowd's going...

I had beaten Paul Pfeiffer at basketball, as near as I can remember, 788 times in a row, give or take 100.

Want to play again?

Sure.

Loser's out.

It was a streak that went all the way back to kindergarten, maybe even before.

Hondo's bringing Paul up court.

He's looking good, folks.

He goes left.

He goes right.

He goes left.

Not that I was some kind of all-American.

It's just I was me, whereas Paul, Paul was Paul.

One zip.

OK, no more Mr. Nice Guy.

Really?

Count on it.

But we both knew better.

We knew some things never change.

And in basketball, as in our friendship.

Jumper from the corner.

I called the shots.

Men, let's talk about opportunity.

The opportunity to be part of something big, really big, bigger than all of us.

Gentlemen, basketball tryouts begin this afternoon.

Who'd like to play?

Now, ordinarily the chance to play varsity ball is something any kid would jump at.

Hands.

In any other school.

Anyone.

In any other town.

For any other coach.

He must be dreaming.

He had no way on playing for that joker.

Kissling.

How about you?

Agh.

But in the world.

Arnold, according to Ed Cutlip, volunteers weren't born.

What about you, Hill?

They were made.

Martinson.

Steel.

Made you wonder if this is how they pick teams in Russia.

Who else?

What are you doing?

Shh.

Call it wisdom, call it cowardice.

All I knew was I was going to dodge this bullet.

Pfeiffer.

Unfortunately, the bullet hit Paul.

Me.

Why me?

I don't know.

Maybe he thought you were someone else.

Huh?

Poor guy.

He'd become a victim of the system.

But don't worry.

There's got to be some way we can get you out of this.

Ah, men.

Men.

Uh, hi, coach.

So, Pfeiffer, see you at tryouts this afternoon?

Okay, it was clear this kid needed help.

Uh, he can't make it.

He's busy with bassoon lessons after school.

Huh?

Hmm.

Didn't know you were a bassoon man.

I'm not.

I'll be there, coach.

Atta fella.

Paul, why'd you do that?

Well, I don't know.

He asked me.

Oh, come on, Paul, get serious.

What do you mean by that?

Man, you don't actually want to go to those tryouts, do you?

Oh, trust me, you don't want to do this.

I mean, let's face it, the whole idea is a joke, right?

Maybe you're right.

Maybe it's stupid.

Of course it was stupid.

Paul Pfeiffer on a basketball team was like Barney Fife working for the FBI.

I don't believe it.

Paul, where have you been?

I was... I was doing something.

Uh-huh.

Like trying out for the basketball team?

Well, yeah.

Really?

How'd it go?

As if we couldn't guess.

Crash and burn.

I think it went pretty well.

At least Coach Cutlip thought so.

You're kidding.

Well, I mean, I haven't made the team yet or anything, but so far, so good.

Well, I think that's great.

I'm so proud of you.

Aren't you proud of him, Kevin?

Uh, sure.

Of course I was proud of him.

That went without saying.

I was proud enough to say... Paul, how about getting us another pitcher of soda?

You got it.

This one's on me.

Hey,

Woody, can you fill that up for me?

Thanks.

Good old Paul.

Yeah.

But suddenly, Paul was Paul wasn't quite Paul.

Something was different.

Something was...

wrong.

Come on.

Let's play.

Now?

Yeah.

Why not?

Well, I thought we were going to study American history.

The War of 1812 was fought in, uh, 1812.

There.

We studied, okay?

Actually, as it happens, it was fought in 18... Get your ball out.

Okay.

Of course, I was only looking for a friendly game.

And maybe a few answers.

So how come you didn't tell me you were trying out for the... Well, I did.

Kinda.

Yeah, but then I thought we agreed that it was a bad idea, didn't we?

You know the whole thing about cut-lipping.

Hey, he's not so bad.

What?

Well, he isn't.

Really?

What was this?

Heresy?

I just thought I'd, you know, give it a try.

Paul, you don't think you're actually gonna make the team, do you?

Well... I mean, come on, that's ridiculous.

Can't even beat me.

You know?

I don't know, Cam.

I just thought maybe I'd give it a shot.

One-nothing.

So we played.

And for the first time ever, Paul didn't do a running commentary on the action.

To this day, I don't know if I was really hot or if Paul was really cold.

But what I did know was...

I was teaching Paul a lesson.

A lesson... A lesson he'd never forget.

And it was for his own good.

Swish!

21-3.